a bitter exhaustion grips you by the throat
fear languishes your bones like lead upon your skin
a dark cave dripping numb from within

do i dare to look up again?
do i dare to give my heart as the bargain?
are you gonna break my fall,
or will you tell me you can't handle this all?

i dont want to start new anymore than you
for loving, feels like the flu
but maybe you’re the vaccine
ill take a shot of you, hoping then         i would feel              brand new
tell me, do you feel like this too?

I miss the old me
Old old old old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent me
Now I don’t like me
I let you take me
let you break me
I still can’t face it

I miss the old old old old me
Old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent me
Now I got scars on me
Scars on my heart
Scars on my eyes
Scars on my brain me
What do I see?
I miss the old old old old me
Old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent me

What do you see?
See I can’t see me
Too in the dark type
Never turn on the night light
Always assume the worst type
I miss the old me
old old old old me
Old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent Me.

There is no heartbreak like the heartbreak from loving someone who you can’t fully express it to.
You’re stuck, hanging, dangling from a rope.
Your palms are torn apart from grasping the rope so tightly.
Your fingers, purple from your blood.
Your emotions, blaring loudly cascade over you in flash floods.
Everything around you seems to be falling apart.
And you’re praying the only person you feel that can make it fall back together doesn’t let go of the rope.
Because the cracks in the sidewalk will swallow you whole.
Swallow you over and over until you are dust settled atop tectonic plates.

‪I was just a temporary relief,‬
‪from the places you really wanted to be.
An escape,‬
‪but it never set you free.‬
It turned out to be a place,
that chained you and me.
Only it chained us separately,
confining you and me irreparably.

Waking consciousness only deepens the breadth of the sickening settling confusion that blossoms so heavily in thorny crowns around my hands so that they are pinned to my thighs like how beauty marks litter your skin from too much time spent in the sun. I spent too much time basking in your black hole confused about how the light wasn’t shining on me...instead my light was being ****** in. ****** from my veins so that eventually every inch of my body was decorated with black vestiges of the rivers that once flowed blindingly white. It’s been six months of half a year, and my body is still sectioned out in slippery squares that feel so impossible to stitch back together. How can I still drown in the valley of our broken love if the pitcher that filled it has crumbled into tiny grains of sand, that I cannot hold with my hands? Oh Lord, won’t you reconcile this desert that settled on my heart? Oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord. I want to be found. I want to be found. Can you hear all the sounds that ricochet like tennis ***** against the tennis court? Oh Lord. It’s deafening from down here.