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when I get drunk before 12 a.m. people tend to,
leave because I keep repeating how much I miss my ex girlfriend and her ******* amazing brown eyes and how,
much I hate how my sister is so **** perfect when I'm not. she must have forgotten to give me the recipe.
I hate when people brag about their new boyfriends and how many times their,
parents have caught them having *** because it's not me and I'm so ashamed.
I hate that if people beg me long enough I'll,
do as they please because I need the affection and the,
attention I never had because I was abused for 10 years by the people who was supposed to give me attention,
love,
support. I guess they were never meant for loving. maybe that's why divorces are always an option and I'm so glad that I don't even have the ******* opinion to,
marry all over the world yet. but what if I fall in love with a country through a person,
again,
who gets down on,
one knee with a beautiful ring, and asks me if I wanna spend forever with them,
as if forever even ******* exists?
then I'll at least forget my ex girlfriend and her ******* amazing brown eyes and my sister's recipe for the perfection I craved but never got because my happiness rely on the people,
who tend to leave when I get drunk before 12 a.m.

(e.k.j.)
right now there's no air I can't breathe and for once,
it's not because I'm heartbroken. well a part of me is but I learn to live with it. people can learn to live with a lot of broken bones. too many.
I can feel every single bone in my body and break them with a touch even,
if I want to heal. but I like being broken. it kind of feels like sky diving even though I have never,
tried it and I probably never will.

sometimes I like to stab myself just for fun because it feels good. it's a great reminder that some people actually have to stab themselves just to,
stop feeling. a year ago,
one of them was me. now I just laugh and wipe the blood off while my father is yelling at me that I'm gonna die. he tells me that too when he has to buy me a new pack of cigarettes after only 48 hours but what if I don't mind? what if I actually don't mind dying?

(e.k.j.)
No one loves me
I'm not worth a single drop of blood

It would be wasted
If you spilt it for me

And dry your tears
For I'm the only one that has to cry

This time,
So there's no use shedding them for me

Sometimes, I wish I knew
How to disappear completely

So no one would remember my voice
Have no memories with me

I feel like life
Would merrily move along

If I were just simply
Gone
                     Gone

    Gone.
The titles also a radiohead song. But it doesnt seem like a bad idea. Erase everyones memories of me and just leave. Fall back into the everlong seas of black unconcious and then hopefully to the end of time- the extraterrestrial, super inconcievable meaning of life. I believe we find it when we die. I dont even know, I dont think anyone loves me so its about that time.
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