He said that he wasn't good enough for me, and I think that's what set me over the top. Because all my life I have never been good enough for anyone: friends, parents, boys, anyone. And finally I had met someone who I thought didn't take me for granted. Someone who I believed loved me. I thought that he honestly believed he wasn't good enough, which in turn made him the perfect fit. But I was wrong. What he was really saying was that I didn't deserve what he was giving me. I didn't deserve being walked all over, the lies, the secrets. I think he was genuinely saying that I deserved better then what he was ever going to offer me. And after five months I still don't know what to do with that.

I woke up Saturday morning and with one glance of my phone, I was bawling. No one died, no one was hurt. I simply go the message that I had been waiting for for four months. He apologized. For everything, he apologized. Finally he honestly acknowledged that I was worth more than what he gave me. I deserved better. It was surreal. Numbing. It woke me up. I had been living in a daze for months, wondering what was sincere and what was a show. I was right all along. But, there was something about hearing it from him. Hearing him say: "If I could take back how I treated you, I would". He broke me for the last time.

Baby, listen please.
I'm not in love, I'm just on drugs.

It happened in waves.

The first wave simply brought confusion. A state of denial, a hope that none of it were true. For the first time my heart stopped and I thought the world would stop spinning around me, but it didn't.

Second, came hatred. Self hatred, hatred for others, hatred for love happiness and affection. It's consuming - the self loathing. Questions like "why wasn't I good enough", "will I ever be good enough" , "I am too damaged to be loved", "was anything he said true or was it all just an act". For thinkers such as I, this wave is the most dangerous. Often I was left to ponder my actions, reactions, memories. Which brings the next wave.

The third wave: memories. Memories of both the good and the bad. Memories of the smiles and the tears. It hurts, it's confusing. I was fire and he was gasoline, we were made to compliment each other. Yet somehow, we caused destruction instead. How did we go so far to simply crash and burn? Was it my fault? Was he genuine at all? Memories grab you and keep you in the past. They take away all opportunities at a future. Do not stay in this all consuming wave.

Next was the bitterness. Bitterness against him, myself, my family, love. Everything. Much like hatred I held onto the wrongs done to me. I kept them close, in the front of my mind. As if remaining bitter would change the past.

Fifth was when the burden began to lift. Suddenly he wasn't the only thing occupying my mind. Our love, mistakes, and lies - it all began to fade. I couldn't remember his smile, the warmth of his touch, the sound of his laugh, the security of his embrace or the comfort of his voice. They were gone. I was full of a complex feeling of both freedom and suffocation. I didn't know how to react to this loss, but suddenly it became real. I didn't go to sleep dreaming of him, nor wake up longing for him. I simply... existed.

In this sixth and final stage I am content. I can breathe, dream, love, laugh. He is no longer the center of my universe, but simply another planet in my galaxy. I feel a sense of freedom. I am no longer bound by his lies, burdens, restrictions, deceit, or display of love.

It happened in waves, but I've weathered the storm. It's time to rebuild.