I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

I'm scared of being a disappointment.
I'm scared of being vulnerable.
I'm scared of what people really think of me.
I'm scared of breaking your heart.
I'm scared of not being enough.
I'm scared of saying "I love you."
I'm scared of being complimented.
I'm scared of people smelling my breath when I don't brush my teeth.
I'm scared of using public toilets.
I'm scared of what parents say about me.
I'm scared of what teachers say about me.
I'm scared of the truth.
I'm scared of not having friends.
I'm scared of breaking the rules.
I'm scared of acting.
I'm scared of having regrets.
I'm scared of my past affecting my future.
I'm scared I'm not worth the trouble.
I'm scared of choking on a necklace in my sleep.
I'm scared of communicating deeply about my feelings with others.
I'm scared of doing something wrong.
I'm scared of not going to a good college.
I'm scared of talking about religion.
I'm scared of talking about money.
I'm scared of causing anyone unneeded grief.

But, I'm brave too.

Give me your time,
I'll give you my word.
Give me your love,
I'll give you the world.
Tell me your dreams,
I'll help make them come true.
Just have faith in me
and I'll take care of you.

recently
I got a little older,
learned a lesson or two,
like how loving someone
could never be as poetic
as I wanted it to.
like how nothing
would ever be as poetic
as I wanted it to.
how can I accept
that the miracle of love
isn’t really a miracle at all?
how can I wrap myself
in someone’s arms
when I know
that there isn’t any sort
of poetic loving involved?
how do I unlearn
the romantic thoughts
that taught me
about the fireworks,
the butterflies,
and the fluttering fingers
in the dark.
and accept that
maybe kissing
won’t be as spiritual as I thought.
maybe it’s really just a mouth on mine.
how do I unlearn my innocent heart
who lulled me into a false sense of hope
for a lover who would call
the way my body moves
art.
a lover who would feel
the poetry
in every word
I spoke in the dark.

In your eyes, who am I ?
A friend, a brother or just a passer-by

Is there someone you want me to replace?
Or im here just to fill up your empty space.

Im afraid, I will just be treated the same
As if this was a role playing game

I don't have the courage to confess
As im scared that you will not say 'yes'

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm blinded
But I love you, and that's what I have decided

I am still
In deep thought-
Wondering, how easy I’ve let you slipped
From my hands
And from my heart

--

Let’s take a step back
And recount the moments
Recollect the memories
Reminisce the good old days
And reassess this overnight decision I’ve impulsively taken

Let’s take a few more steps back
And remember the first time I met you
Back in high school
The first time I said hi
And thought you were cute

You were a plethora of my firsts
The first boy bestfriend I’ve ever had
The first boy to ever ask me out on dates
The first boy to talk to me on a daily basis
The first boy I ever liked…. Who actually liked me back

Undoubtedly,
You were my first love

I thought I loved you like I’d never love anyone else
I told you everything
Wrecked these walls I’ve sheltered from for so long
Just to hand you this little fragile heart of mine
Through the cracked linoleum and the broken glass windows
I gave you a golden ticket and an aerial view
To my world

And after two years,
In the end,
You did decide to return the favour
You trusted me enough
To let me enter this mystical world of yours
These two dimensions you seem to always get lost in
Those two roads diverged in a wood
That you can never seem to wrap your head around
and choose

As I write this,
I start to realise why and how I stopped loving you

I think I got tired
Of trying to pull you up
As you let yourself drown in the seas
of your undecided thoughts

I stopped loving you
The moment you say “I’m going to change”
But the next day you woke up
You put on the same old clothes
You took the same route
To the place that led you exactly back to where you once were

I got sick of
Saying the same things
Over and over again
Asking you to change
Only to expect nothing in return

Truth be told
As similar as we are as people
We live in worlds too distant apart
Your world is too foreign for me, too fast and scary
Whereas my world is too small and tightly guarded, all child’s play

As much as I’d want to love you
I can’t seem to do so
And if I could, I'd say this a million times to you

I truly am sorry.