I feel trapped
Like I can't reach
The peak of who I am
Of who I'm meant to be

Everything becomes an obstacle
My hair
My voice
How I dress

They stop me
Stop me from being perceived
As the gender I feel
The gender I am

If gender dysphoria was a weapon
I would've been shot down long ago
With my brothers, sisters, and siblings
Who died from the never-ending torture

All I want is my name
All I want is for others to use my pronouns
But that's too far away
So I'm waiting for the torture to finally

End me

I'm sorry ...
Sorry for letting everyone
Walk all over you
Like a piece of trash

Sorry for making you feel like trash
As if you're nothing more
Than a slave
To the life I've made for you

Sorry that you cry
When the anxiety becomes too much
But sorry that I hide it
The second someone comes that could help

I'm sorry
That I made someone like you
Not want to live
With anxiety
Like a slave
Like a piece of trash

Like a human being

Even though the New Year just began
I fear that I won't make it to the next
That my mind will swallow my body whole
And never let go

I have a routine.

Every morning
Wake up but stay in bed
Because I like to wallow in my sadness
When the sun is at its brightest

When/If I get out of bed
Walk to the scale and check my weight
Because nothing's more important than drowning
Drowning in the repercussions of last night's stress eating episode

After looking at my body in the mirror
Disgusted at my form
I walk back up the stairs to my bedroom
My own walk of shame

From there I stay in my bedroom
Contemplating my day
Of darkness surrounding me
In a room that is my prison

I only leave for bathroom breaks
And am forced to eat dinner
Not saying much, escaping to my room after
Stirring over whether throwing it up would be worth it

I stay in my room
Until 2AM, 3AM
Where my mind is in a drunk state
Where anything is reality

Where I can pretend I'm happy.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Just because I'm suicidal
Doesn't mean I want to die
I can't imagine myself
Giving the final blow

But **** do I want to be gone
Nothing seems worth it
Nothing was ever worth it
But I don't want to die

Dysphoria is melting my brain
While my eating disorder tells me I'm ugly
My anxiety telling me that picking up a hot pan
Is "just an accident"

I want to let go of all my pain
Of all my disorders
But to do that
I'd have to be dead

All my mental disorders talk to one another
Causing the perfect mixture
The perfect suffering
That makes me think I'm better off dead

I haven't had a crush
In a long time
Thinking I wasn't worth
Anyone else's eyes

I've been tainted over the years
Other people's mistake
I doubt anyone would want
Someone else's seconds

I tried to keep you away
Because I like being friends
Love being friends
And I don't want that taken away

I have this crush
On you of all people
And even though I may hate it
I think I've just fallen a little more for you

When an attack hits
I become still
Trying to find shelter and isolate myself
In fear of hurting those around me

I become violent
Using my fists as my defence
Using my words as a warning
Using my brain as my weapon

They turned me into this
A dissociated being
No longer able to act
No longer able to live

But why would I apologize for being a monster?
Had anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?