Sitting in a room
Surrounded by my friends
Is supposed to make me happy
After a long week of stress

But when they all huddle together
And leave me alone
I start to realize
How isolated I truly am

They cuddle with each other
Telling each other how much
They love each other
Leaving me out of the loop

I'm devastated
But not surprised
I'm upset
But too shy to say a thing

I'm afraid to get beat up
I'm afraid to be abused
I'm afraid of their reaction
I'm afraid of them

I'm afraid ...

That I'll always be lonely

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!
Please be cautious when reading. If you feel you'll be triggered in any way, please don't read. Thank you.


I'm done.

Done with trying too hard
Done with sleepless nights
Done with disappointment
Done with being a disappointment

Done with hearing their voices in my head
Done with seeing visions of my abuse
Done with being around people
That just don't care

I know they care
But my brain tells me they can't be trusted
They're like everyone else
I avoid "everyone else"

I'm done with my anxiety
Done with my sexuality
Done with my gender
Done with my PTSD

Done trying to pretend I'm happy
When all I've wanted to do is cry
But crying would make others uncomfortable
And doing that in the past led to peer abuse

I'm done with my brain going on tangents
Done with having a constant smile on my face
Even though it's fake
And everyone knows it is

Done with heaving after a panic attack
Done with my abusive visions becoming reality
Done with feeling nothing
Done with being anything

Done with breathing
Done with living
Because at this point
What is there to live for?

Little girls dream about me
My beauty
Ariel as my guide
My fish tail splashes on each wave
As my human body curves with the current

Beautiful
Stunning
I'm known for my looks
Although I have dreams
Dreams far beyond the sea

Even though I come from water
My mind is stuck in the clouds
As I swim with the fish
I trail the birds in the sky
Following their journey until nightfall

Who knew dreams would trap me
In the depths of my own home
The home that is told to have treasures
Only leaves scars and darkness
To surround me in my fate

As a mermaid, a siren,
I was never meant to dream for the clouds
But meant to be alone and trapped
From everything that doesn't need salt water
That doesn't need me

So I draw the sailors in
The families at the beach
To the pull of my sweet voice
Singing, creating a new melody
To draw them to me in the one true sea

And once they come to me
They may never escape
And although it may seem cruel
To keep them from their home
I now have the one thing I've always wanted


A friend.

When I'm too emotional
And struggling to calm down
I take a deep breath
And slowly look around

The need to stay calm
Has been ingrained in my brain
To stay away from emotion
And remain in my solid lane

I imagine a flower
Blooming bright
To remind me of what
I need to keep in sight

People call me
Positive
A smile on my face
With just enough grace
To pull off a lie

You see
I’ve never been
Happy
For more than a couple weeks
Since my debut at preschool
I was never meant to live
Free

First came physical abuse
But not the kind you get from someone
Older
Rather someone your age
Some who’s only four
Someone who has no idea
No idea
That they’re the trigger to the bomb

But too late
For it’s already set off
The alarms blaring in my ears
But to everyone else they’re
Nothing
Silence
The laughter of children
Because I was never important enough to be seen

I was pulled off playground equipment by my hair
Slapped for wanting to use the same toy as the other kid
The mulch was my best friend
For it was the only thing cushioning the blow
Showing any kind of mercy
To the little girl who just smiled it off

Smiling
That’s all I ever did
I never wanted to cause a problem
I never wanted to become a burden
I never wanted to be
Alone
But it was too late for that

By elementary school, I was the target
Even with a new playground
The mulch remained my only friend
Friends
I wish I had some of those back then

Second came the emotional abuse
Tearing me down by
Taking my things
Ripping my projects
Taking my books out of my hands
And accidentally spilling your school milk all over it
And they say people never cry over spilled milk

Talking behind my back was nothing new
Even for the teachers
My supposed guardians
They could be the worst of them all
Not even sparing me a glance to see the pain
The agony
Behind my eyes, my smile
For I still wore my smile

People can be cruel
My entire grade against me
Convincing the nurse that I was unhygienic
Convincing the principle I was a “bad kid”
Convincing myself that I wasn’t
Worth it

It
Is that life?
My dreams?
My hobbies?
My smile?

They were all after my smile
After every physical attack
They tried to wipe the grin off my face
But I stood strong
My biggest mistake

Third came the mental abuse
When I started to realize
That something was going terribly
Wrong

My mind saw people as a threat
A weapon
Their words, bullets
Shot left and right
One after the other

I researched
I tried to find out
Why I kept smiling
Why I kept thinking
That it would get better

The letters hit me like a freight train
P-T-S-D
I know it was associated from people in war
Those in other countries fighting for our people

My war was more invisible
On home turf
With nowhere for me to run
I was stuck
Grounded
Lost

My war was hell
My war is hell
My mental illness is no joke
Anxiety and panic attacks following close
Afraid to let go
Afraid that I would leave them behind

My PTSD is no joke
The night terrors keeping me up
I’m afraid to fall asleep
Going to school with bags under my eyes is a prettier site
Than me screaming in the night

I couldn’t make friends my freshman year of college
I couldn’t look anyone in the eye
When people asked if I wanted to sit with them for a meal
I smiled
Said no thanks
And braced for a punch

For my body was always braced
My body was always ready for abuse
My brain was numb
Numb to people
Numb to their actions
Numb to my internal screams
Numb

It’s funny
How a couple people during recess in preschool
Turned me into this

A girl
With PTSD
Anxiety
Panic Attacks
A phobia of meeting people
Because that’s coupled with abuse
And that doesn’t always mean getting punched

It all started with a couple people
And it ended with a life-long mental disorder

Their hateful words define me every time someone new talks to me
Their terrifying glances define me when I catch a stranger’s gaze
Their punches define me
Their attacks define me
The backstabbing
The laughter
The whispers
It all defines me

So why smile?

Because
That person that helped pick up my books in the hallway defines me
That person that picked my face up from the mulch defines me
That person that told them all to “cut it out” defines me
That person that smiled at me defines me
That person that said “hi” to me defines me

While the bad took its toll
The good took its place
As the staircase
As the sunshine
As the only hope I had left to hang on to
For these positive actions
Overshadowed the bad ones
Even if they happened less often

It taught me that my smile
Could mean someone’s entire world
Could mean life and death
Could save *me

Everyone told you
That growing up meant
Being free
Being yourself
Yet they somehow forgot to mention
That the feeling
Of suppressing yourself
Of locking yourself up
Never truly goes away
Past insecurities
Past self-doubt
All come rushing back
Like a tidal wave right before the crash
You've tried too hard
Now people think you're weird
You've tried to little
Now people think you're just lazy
You want to try new things
Meet new people
But meeting new people
Was never what you expected
They are cruel, vile beasts
Ready to attack at one sign of weakness
Rip your flesh out
But save your heart for last
So you feel every last ounce of it
No matter how hard you struggle
People will only see the surface
And once you're tagged
There's no escape
Because they will find you
Torture you
Until that one insecurity
Turns into thousands
And what's left?
Of you?
Of them?
Of your heart?
When people tell you
To grow up
Tell them
That you're staying
Right where you are
Planted in the ground
Because who really needs to grow up?

"I never liked you"
My brain won't seem to shut up
Self hate being the only routine I have
For everything else is a variable.

y=x+5
I can graph this, integrate the function
Math is a high honor
While mental health is swept under the rug

I used to be confident before they got to me
Blunt children
No empathy
No sympathy

I never went outside the box
For a fear of breaking the lines
Created by my emotions
Every day another without risk

My mental health bar decreasing
I no longer know what I'm supposed to feel
Because what I feel has run away
The only part of me able to escape

I'm quiet which comes off as rude
I'm solitary which comes off as ******
I'm alone which comes off as frightening
So no one approaches

My mind my only friend
A destructive one
One that might **** me
But we'll just have to wait and see