I used to think it was as simple as
Falling into the shadows
But my existence
Has been every shade of grey imaginable
Blue-grey, light-smokey-grey, dark-almost-black-grey
It's never plainly
Black or white
Happy or scared
It is a constantly changing vortex
I thought I was finally breaking free of the colours - feelings - thoughts
Restraining me
I know I've gotten stronger
But why did I crumble so easily?
Just when I thought I was safe
Panic reared it's ugly head again
This time I felt powerless
My heart raced irregularly
As it placed it's hand around my neck
Strangled the air from my lungs
Until I fell backwards into a dream
Into respite for ten seconds, into darkness
My body doing it's best
To save me from my head
Every colour seemed faded
Strangers watched
As I struggled to catch my breath
They were kind, concerned, helpful
I am grateful
But I'm also ashamed
I couldn't control it better
That I couldn't stay pure white without it being filtered, mixed into black
I did my best to hold it together on the way home
But eventually the delicious meal came back up
The fog cleared a little but
I was still a shivering mess
My family and my love
Brought safety and comfort again
But now the morning after
I can't help but feel afraid
My biggest fear came to pass yet again
I'm still here, I'm still here
I want to pretend I'm fine
To get up, go out
Without a care
But the colours are all shaken up
I don't know what to do
I don't know if I've the strength to keep going on, muddled and grey
When all I want is to be
Iridescent.

Doubts
Can clutter the mind
I know better than anyone
The damage they do
I'll be honest
I've had my doubts about us
They've suffocated me
Until I faced them head on and set them free
I wrote you a letter about doubts
But truthfully, I can't remember a word I wrote
You doubt if you're good enough for me
I've been there, I've felt that weight
You always say you're so lucky to have me
But if we're honest
I'm the lucky one
I would have given up a long time ago
If it wasn't for you
You are safety, comfort, freedom
So next time you are clouded with doubts my darling, know this:
You've broken my heart and you can break it a thousand times more
I will still want you
I will always want you.
You can't love someone the way we do -
Selflessly, definitely, bravely -
Without getting hurt
We've been through heaven
Dragged through hell and back
And we still held on, we still fought for us
Many people would have given up
I might have too, if I was fighting for anyone else but you.
So cast aside your insecurities
And revel in the fact
We have something that no one else has
Know that we are stronger together than apart.

I feel it crawling underneath my skin
The sadness that lies within
Twisting my mind
Draining my soul
Am I going mad?
I feel so alone
Nobody understands
All the pain I hold inside
I can't explain no matter how hard I try
I'm dying to feel alive.

I feel like I am waking up
After a long slumber
I can't help resent how intoxicated
You made me
Emerging from the depths for the first time
In forever
How that held me back
Oh but
It's not his fault,
it's not his fault,
it's not his fault
I am too cruel
For a heart like his, too twisted
I drank too much of the sacred wine
I allowed myself to be chained by my own emotions
I'm breaking free
And I'm so scared
I don't know how to love you.

Long bus rides
Cold, dark nights
Pinpricks of orange lights
I am content
I don't know why
November calls my name
Maybe because it reminds me
Of pleasant hacks
Racing against daylight
Frozen toes
Or maybe it's
Twinkly Christmas lights
The promise of good times to come
Laughter to be had
Love to be shared
Or maybe it's
Old sketchbooks filled with doodles
Books taking me away
Music filling my lungs
Being at peace
Maybe it's
Your lips sealing my fate
A simple question, magic since
Three years later
You've still got a spell on me
You're still my anchor to the world.

I want you to know
I have loved you
From the moment our laughter
Mixed with cider, inky black skies
And orange street lights.
I want you to know
I still love you
From tight hugs and soft kissed
To tear stained cheeks and hurt.
I want you to know
I will always love you
Like atoms, we will always find our way to each other,
No matter what
We will be together.

I have never burned bright
Surrounded by wildfire
I was nothing but a mere hum
Dying embers in the background
You made me laugh
When my iridescent soul was monochrome
You made me feel warm, free
Finally the greys dripped out
Painted all over with every colour
As the heat rose to my cheeks
When you whispered my name
When you held me close
Under the shooting stars
That landed in your eyes
And set your lips alight
Kissing me, the sparks danced
Around us, around
You, the only thing anchoring me to the world,
Ablaze, but not burnt
They say when you fall in love with someone you burst into flames
I didn’t stand a chance
Fire encompasses you and me
We are shooting stars
We are so alive