I've been avoiding writing
like your eyes on Saturday night,
because how do I tell you
that I'll miss you when you're gone
and admit to myself
that it might not be a big deal?

I am not scared
that my heart will stop beating
but that yours will seek
the warmth of someone else.

I cannot say this is what I want
even though I am certain
this is what you need.

This is not heartbreak.

No,
this is something different
and I'm not quite sure what it's called.

That was the summer our electric bill went up
because as soon as the sun went down
I would light up mirrors
that I stared down for hours
in hopes that I would lose

My self esteem
with every inch I lost
from my arms, legs, fingers, chest,
but if I could just take a few more
from my waist then I would be

Mentally unstable and out of control
as I stay in line with 1,200 calorie days
and sit-ups before bed
because a coworker offered me a cookie
and I couldn't say

No one should have to feel like they're dying
in order to feel beautiful
but how can you fly
when your wings are too heavy
to get off the

Ground level is where I am right now
but at this point I'm used
to taking the stairs
so the top doesn't look
too far away anymore

For the first time
I smell jealousy on your lips
instead of alcohol-induced love
(although I think that's in there too)

You tell me your sister
thought I was trying too hard
in my favorite dress
(which I bought for $15)

We do not touch
but we laugh
for longer than expected
(over something so painfully small)

My heart pounds
and the world stops spinning
as I wonder if I'm in love
(quickly I suppress the thought)

there is a stress ball
in my stomach
that feels pressure
from the vibrations of your phone
and the thoughts in my head
screaming
she doesn't need you
she doesn't want you
you are useless to her
disposable space
kept only to **** time

I could make myself sick
(the way I used to)
with the thought of you
choosing someone else
over me

best friends?
best at ignoring the tension
best at telling exaggerated stories
best at constant comparison

I'm already counting down
the days until the birthday
I'll most likely celebrate
without you
because shiny and new
almost always wins

they think you're the one
who needs her heart medicated
when mine starts to race
as soon as I open my eyes

sometimes I wonder
why people wait for others
why we put our lives
on hold for someone else
when our body is the one
we drag to bed each night
and wake up in every morning

and then I remember
how it feels to look at you
and how my heart pounds
when you kiss my head as we sleep
and I wonder
why we must live
as just one body
when we could live as two

we are each an empty ice tray
sitting in the freezer
side by side
an image of disappointment and laziness
addressed with an eye roll and a slight growl

when we are full
we are frozen solid, dry
not something one would be interested in holding

we are playing a game
to see who can stay solid,
the first to melt if necessary

for now, we are pieces of white plastic
serving absolutely no purpose

My friends in high school
Used to laugh when I told them
I always slept with my phone on,
Just in Case

Four months into my first real job
I try to stop my head from spinning
By silencing my friends
In different time zones on a Monday night

I wake up from a dream
Where I see you for the first time in weeks
To missed calls and messages
"I need help. I am in trouble."

My stomach becomes your rope bracelet
That got stuck in my lace shirt
The first time I slept over
Only this time, I am trying to fix it alone

You answer me before the sun
Lights up my living room
Not laughing at my overreaction
As we both know your alarms are often warranted

I do not try to turn your pain
Into something beautiful
But rather my fears
Into something concrete

That night I brush my teeth,
Gums bleeding,
Eyelids falling,
Phone volume on Max