i am thankful
that i still have
my memories
because they were all
that you couldnt take

Friday, April 14th ,2017 // 9:37 AM

Here’s the thing with guts.
your guts , my guts.
I hate your guts,
I want you deep inside my guts.
Guts. They make me who I am,
Indecisive.

But who isn’t?
when it comes to the boy you love, you hate him, don’t you?
Don’t tell me you love him, that’s not love.
Love is hating someone with a passion, a burning passion.
Mad at them for taking parts of you little by little,

but they spark a flame in you,
soon the red flame cools down, it’s blue.
and so you melt, you feel the smile aching,
but you can’t.

You built yourself from scratch, how can someone take all that away from you.
guts, they make me who I am.

I hate him,I love him, but I also fear him.
I can’t help but think of the agonising pain I’ll feel once he leaves me.
Don’t shame me for fearing commitment, it’s not illogical.

The amount of love I hold for him can **** once unleashed, once mistreated.
Can you imagine the damage that’ll be done once he leaves?
guts, they make me who I am.

What if I follow my guts?
I’m no longer secure
I’m no longer me
For if I was I in such predicament,
I wouldn’t let a boy infest my mind the way this one has.

So what if my guts are wrong? They make me who I am.

Sugar sweet kisses
unbelievably divine
Goodness says I
A beautiful dream
Ravishing my soul

For a friend I wish, but one with a heart pure
For my heart was burned, more than a time or two

A wall I *****, for my safety it must not fall!
Strong and sturdy I build, firmly planted in the ground
The vilest of creatures it must hold back

Near my gate you come, not expecting this village houses one
With eyes you look in, but the curtain is drawn and you see not deep within
Lest you see my weakness and with that attack

My arms I extend: Don’t get too close, stay beyond the end!
My palms I hold out, you must know that I’m afraid
Those who came before stabbed me in the side, and because of this now I hide

A friend I have not found, perhaps to trust I am now unable
For my trust was betrayed, more than a time or two

living alone
something broke
i find pleasure creating self destructive drama
and of course i play the lead
the lone crusader
always misunderstood
always left behind and forgotten
i am so sick of myself
wish i could just reboot
or better delete
home planet will be better of without the drama
my inner sanctuary permanent ruin
silly girl
allow entry to the devil dressed grant
most days i exist switched off
breathing, thinking switched off
i have mostly given up on living
sad but true
the self destructive drama have taken no victim
just claimed its price

monsters are created not born
each life event that shapes us
heartache, humiliation, pain, tears , sorrow
these combined with loneliness, abandonment
allow monsters to breed , multiply and strife
by the time you realize its to late
each morning i rise
tired from battle
a loosing fight
only extending the inevitable death blow
why i don't know
born stubborn
my undoing
few drops of hope
i thought i destroyed it
faith for a better future
a future that will never come
destined for pain and grief
STOP
embrace the inescapable truth
my monsters have won