its so hopeless and i'm so frustrated because i know you wanted me.. on those days i drove 30 minutes just to see you, to kiss you, and to be held so close to you to the point that if you squeezed a bit tighter id lose my breath. i could feel your eyes giving me a sunburn as i watched the television screen and id smile just to hear the words "youre so cute" come out of your mouth. Being together and pretending what we had will last for a long time, that the moment would stand still but at the same time i feel that all of it was just something for you to do on your free time, even though you deny it. i remember a tear crawling down my cheek as i watched your delicate hands making me the same sandwich you made the first day we met all because i knew this was all just going to be a memory engraved in my brain. That in a matter of time it will all just end.

i cant imagine you actually missing me when days of us not seeing each other pass by even though when that happens you send me texts saying how much you miss me, wishing you were with me, and how you hate that you cant have me. (even though its all your fault.) you tell me how you have a feeling that i have no interest in you or that i couldn't care less if we just stop speaking but really.. that's how i feel about you and honestly, i like you way too much; i'm afraid it will scare you

it hurts knowing that in life people come and go all the time. That at any moment you will just be a memory. it hurts knowing that one day you'll just think that i was fun while i lasted but that you never wanted to make me officially yours. you'd only ask me if i was yours when we were on your bed. i want to matter more to you, more than just a text at 3 am telling me how you wish i was in bed with you and how you're thinking of me. i want texts at 7 pm saying you want me to get all dolled up to show me off at dinner. But its selfish and unfair of me to want you to see me as something more when you actually don't, but its okay, even if you would have extended your hand to hold mine i don't think we could have gone as far as i hoped for. i loved us together, i loved our connection, i loved our chemistry just as much as you did.

but i'm excited to hold a girls hand who wouldn't want to let go until its time to let go. i'm glad i haven't been careless with my heart even though i allowed your fingernails dig deep into my heart but i've finally pushed you away and now the holes are bleeding out but ill be okay. they will soon turn into scars.

next time i know not to give all of me to someone who never asked for all of me in the first place..

j.f //j.v

When everything goes wrong
And life is singing her sad, sweet song

I run to you, and you're loving, strong arms
Where I know nothing harms

You say "it's ok, it's all right
Come here baby, let me hold you tight"

"Let me chase the darkness away
For my love for you grows stronger everyday"

"For with me by your side
We can weather the rising tide"

So when depression rears it's vicious black head
And I'm facing that old daunting dread

I will reach for your capable hand
And togeather we can make that stand

My days of falling crumbled on the floor
Screaming out in agony, will be no more

For I washed upon your beautiful shore
My life is no longer a nightmare, no longer a chore

I guess I finally paid all my dues
For the universe finally gave me, you

I had prayed for true love many a years
Begaining to believe no one in the heaven  truly hears

When I had finally given up and given in
The deepest darkness was replacing the light from within

You road in on your poetic white horse
Forever changing my life's pitiful course

Now I have true love, that is soul connected
The kind I'd only read about, the thought I'd rejected

Babe no matter what happens in the future
My love for you will always remain, as we travel through lives' wonderful adventure

It hurts
Looking at what you've become
You still have the same eyes
That filled with determination and light
You still have the same laugh
That used to fill a empty room with character
You still have the same smile
That was so sincere
Yet your so different
It hurts
Looking into your eyes
Seeing where there was my reason of hope now seem like empty pits
It hurts
Hearing the same laugh stop short
As if its forced
Seeing the same smile
So strain and unreal that you can't even call it fake
It hurts
Seeing what you have become
Seeing someone with so much light
Be in so much pain
Seeing someone you known your whole life
Become someone you don't even know
Knowing you can't do anything
It hurts

i am not your kind of perfect
i am strange and difficult
and somewhat terrifying to love

have some patience
just wait and endure
don't stray, strengthen your pursuit

you will find beauty
seek further
beyond the walls, for my waiting heart

albeit old scars may be evident
together the heartbreak of yesterday
will be buried beneath the ash of our pain

if after all this
when you finally see all of me
and love me still

i vow for the rest of our days
to throw caution to the wind
and stay true, to only you

calm soothing waters
surrounding her
a safe haven
to rest but
her choice is turmoil
and pain
it is hers to make
and mine to
accept