i'm writing this because i need to focus
i'm writing this because i need to get it off my chest
i'm writing this because it's driving me insane
rather
i'm writing this because i don't know if i'm going crazy or if it's real
i'm writing this because i have a mile high stack of responsibilities with my name on it that i can't seem to get to because all day all i do is think of you.
so here goes.

i'm still in love with you.

scrap that.

i still think of you every day
i still feel your touch on my skin
i still hear your voice in my ear
i still catch myself pretending you're next to me
when i can't sleep at night

so what do you think?
am i still in love?

is this just the loneliness of winter in the city getting to me?
is this just desperation?
is this just having not been kissed in so long?
is this OCD? is it depression? is it my anxiety?

or is it you?
is it me?
was that why you left?

it doesn't matter anyway, right?


each memory of us replaying through my mind like a film with no ending
i spend each morning and each night waiting
for that final scene

i tried to force myself to think
of all the reasons we went bad
all the sour memories
bitterness
i could taste it on my tongue
cruel words
pouring out of my mouth
like hot oil
the tears
burning like fire from my eyes

but the laughter and the joy
keep coming back
oh god joy
i haven't felt that in a while have i

it had become a synonym for you

now i know that i'm fine
i have no trouble getting through

it's just the getting over
that's proven hard to do

so if someone could let me know

am i in love?

or is this a passing storm?

will i sink or swim?
should i dive right in?

The Smoke Of Past
The smoke of my past still prevails today
My dress, My character, My conscience
All contaminated by this smoke
The dreams seen in past
Today they are wrapped in this smoke
Always tried to exhale this smoke from life
But its dust particles have trapped me
The world cannot see my guilt on my past
Everybody thinks my past will pollute them
Oh God! Please tell me
How can I make your people understand
I am sorry what I did in my past
I cannot change it nor remove it from my life
Now I am on right track but still they satire on me
After millions of attempts
Oh God! Your people will not forgive me
They keep reminding me
Till my death I will be in this smoke
No matters now noble I become
Now I pray that after my death
To get a life in such world
Where I am free from this smoke
God forgives you for a tear
But this world doesn’t
Now I only hope that at my death bed
Name of God is on my lips
Tears of repentance in my eyes
Smoke of past now becomes a way
From which I can travel to other world
Now my past is a matter between me and God
I hope God will forgive me.
                                      SARAH SHABBIR