How long does it take for you
To notice what is happening
Right in front of your face?

How long before you
Can turn to somebody and ask
Are you okay?

How long does it take
Before you realize
That somebody doesn’t want to talk?

How long
Do you want to pretend
That we are friends?

It’s all fine
But not really
I just want to know
How long?

Your mother was over here again.
Asking about me and you.
But the funny thing is,
She never knew about us;
Not that we were together,
Not that we broke up,
Not our history.

She was asking if I saw you.
If we were at the sam party.
Never knowing
What passed between us.
It wasn't the first time.
She's asked about us before,
Wanting to know if we were friends.

I sometimes wonder
Should I tell her?
But then I think about us
And all that happend
And I think, Better not.
Your mother was over here again
Asking about me and you.
I didn't know what to say.

I don't like this feeling
Of not knowing what to say to you.
I used to be so confident
But our words unspoken
Linger between us.

I don't know how to talk to you
Maybe I should just write instead.
My words have always come out better
When they've been written down
Instead of spoken.

I don't know what you'll think
If I handed you my stack of words
All written about you.
I want to do it;
Have you read them
You said that you wanted to.

I don't think I have the courage to do so
But I have a feeling that I should.
Please tell me you'll actually read them
Please tell me you won't stop
Not until you reach the end.

It's been two years
But still the thoughts run through my mind
Never the whole thing
But bits and pieces
Here and there.

I've repressed the memory of you.
The feel of you against me.
The way you talked to me.
The sound of your voice.
The things we talked about.

I push away from the thoughts
Of what happened that night.
I can see clearly what happened in the end.
But everything from the beginning is gone.
I've pushed you out
From the darkest recesses of my mind.

I don't want to remember
How you treated me.
What you tried to force me to do.
You coaxing didn't work
So you tried being obvious.
That didn't work either.
Finally you tried by force.
By the mercy of my guardian angel
I was stronger than you and pushed you away.

Not only have I repressed
The memory of you
And all that happened that night,
I no longer remember your name.
I can't even recall the way you look.
I thank my angel every night
For watching over me
And slowly drawing you
Completely from my mind

It's been a year since you left,
Six months since you last visited,
(But I didn't see you then).
When you left,
I thought I'd never see you again.
But when you came to visit
I thought that that would be my last chance
But you barely even left the house.

When I heard you were finally coming back
I figured that you'd be lazy
And not want to leave you house.
But your brother dragged you out
And I finally saw you.

As I turned down the road
And saw you for the first time
All I could think was
"Oh God!  Not again!"
An infinite amount of emotions
Slammed into my heart
All at once

It was all I could do
Not to throw myself into your arms
And cry tears of joy.
We fell into our comfortable insults and jokes
Just as soon as we saw each other.
It felt like you had never left;
Like it was any other weekend.

The next few days we just hung out
Talking, joking, insulting one another.
It seemed like we were thrown into the past
When nothing had pulled us apart
Before either of us made the mistake
Of telling the truth.
Watching movies
And giving commentaries
While eating pizza and soda
As we lay of the bed.

I wish we could rewind time
Just so we can relive those amazing moments.
But looking back on the past few days
And all those years we were together
I realized
I really do love you.
Never before
(Or after)
Have I ever been so close to someone
(ANYONE!)
Never have I told somebody so many secrets
Never has someone known me so well
Never has someone been able to say
"Oh she would say this"
Or "Don't say that, it'll make her mad"
Never have I been able to be myself and not feel uncomfortable
Never except when I'm with you.

I wish we still lived in the same country.
I wish there weren't oceans separating us.
I wish that I had the courage to give you these poems.
I wish you were here to help me through this move.
I wish I was in Sweden with you
(Or you were here in America with me)
I wish
I wish
I wish.
Only wishes are left.

I wish I could tell you I love you
I wish you knew how much!
I wish you knew I never loved someone as much as I love you.
I wish I had the courage
The courage to send you all the poems
I've ever written about you
Because there are so many
With so many words
That you'll never hear.

I wish
I wish
I wish

I guess I was just a toy.
Just something for you to use,
for this, for that
Maybe a little bit of everything.

Why did you wait,
before you ripped it all out.
Why did I have to believe
every word you said.

You used me
You didn't really care about me.
I fell for your little trap
and gave you everything I had.

It's 1 am and he called to wake me up.
Foggy mind,
Sleepy brain,
Sluggish limbs.
I answered not really paying attention to him
I'm too tired to think
Too tired to realize what's being said.

It's 1:15 am and I'm taking the elevator down to meet him;
But I get downstairs and finally realize what's happening
I'm not seeing him but rather I'm looking at you

It's 1:20 am and all I can think is that I shouldn't have picked up the phone.
I'm waking up
But it's too late
I've sealed my fate,
I'm still a little foggy
Still a little sluggish
I keep walking with you as I try to figure out if this was a mistake and if I should leave.

It's 1:30 am and we're in the bathroom and no one is around.
I'm fully awake
And you've asked,
I'll give credit to you for you did ask
But I was hesitant
I don't actually know you

It's 1:40 am and you're getting annoyed because I said no and all we're doing is talking
Talking
Talking
Talking
You want more
But I don't know what to do
Say yes and word is spread:
She's a ****,
She's a *****,
She sleep with everyone.
Say no and who knows what happens:
She's a *****,
You'll do it anyway,
You walk away.
Either way it could turn bad for me,
For you don't seem the type to take no as an answer

It's 1:45 am and I say no so you ask if I like music.
You say let's dance as music flows from the phone speakers.
I'm pushed against the bathroom wall.
No one is around.
It's quiet but for the music.
Night is fully present outside.

It's 1:50 am and I'm pushed against the wall with your body completely covering mine.
I don't want to be here.
I want to leave.
I'm not comfortable.
I said no.
And yet those are you're fingers pulling aside my shorts
And those are you fingers pushing my ******* away.
That's your other hand holding my hips in place
While your body holds me immobile.

It's 1:53 am and I'm panicking
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do!
What's happening?
I said no.
Is this my fault?
Did you read into this as me leading you on?
Why is this happening to me??!!

It's 1:54 am and I'm held against the bathroom wall when all I want is to not be here!
Slowly, you've pushed my pants aside,
Now I feel you pressing against my back.
When did you take your pants off?!
Slowly you're sliding yourself inside me
Hoping that I won't notice?
Hoping that I change my decision?
Hoping to ease my mind?

It's 1:55 am and the panic has taken control
Adrenaline is pumping through my veins
Fight or flight is pushing for my survival.
Unknown strength kicks in as I push off the wall
I knock you backwards
You trip over your pants wrapped around your ankles.
I rearrange my clothes so they're back where they should be
And I run for the door.
You call me a ***** and tell me not to leave until you put your clothes back on.

It's 2:00 am and I'm walking away, waiting as the minutes pass so you don't follow me home.
I'm standing outside the elevators
Debating whether or not to take it up
Or run up the stairs instead.
I don't want you to know where I live,
Even he had never been to my home.

It's 2:04 am and I'm still standing outside the elevators when you text me
Not knowing what to expect,
I consider deleting it without opening it,
But truth be told, curiosity gets the better of me,
5 words is all you write:
You're a ******* fat *****.

It's 2:07 and I finally decide I've waited long enough and take the elevator.
I walk into my apartment and head straight for my room.
I fall on the bed.
Everything plays back through my mind.
I question everything;
Why did I answer my phone?
Why did I go downstairs?
What was I thinking?
Why didn't I leave sooner?
Was this all my fault?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why me?
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
My fault
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.

It's a few weeks later, New Year's Eve, and I'm out with a friend.
I tell her about him and I tell her about you
And the first thing she says is that you tried to **** me.
You tried to **** me
**** me.
****. Me.
****.
****.
****.
The word circles my mind.
It's the first time the word connects with what happened.
With what you tried to do.

It's minutes later, as we move away from the crowds waiting for the fireworks so we can have privacy.
****.
I argue that it doesn't connect
For you weren't inside me for long.
The word seems far fetched
Like that didn't happen to me
All because you never had the chance to ****** inside me again and again.

Days, weeks, months, years pass and I "come to terms" with what happened.
I realize it may not be categorized as **** but it was ****** assault.
I keep what happened close to me.
I don't want the memory of you in my head
I push aside what happened
I refuse to think about it
And when I do, I down play what I went through in those few minutes.

It's 3 years later and I'm finally realizing that what I thought was my "acceptance" of what happened was only dreaming.
I know I haven't recovered mentally
Not yet
Maybe I won't.
But I'm finally realizing I have to face that night
I have to face what happened
So that I can move forward
So that the memories stop haunting me
So that I don't live with the shame and embarrassment.
But most important of all,
I'm finally realizing that
IT
WASN'T
MY
FAULT!

It's been 3 years this month and I'm facing what happened.
I was assaulted.
I was forced into something I wasn't comfortable with.
And it wasn't my fault.
These are the facts.
3 years and I'm finally coming out and saying what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally acknowledging what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally facing what happened to me head on.
3 years and I'm finally willing to talk about what happened to me.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye
But I hesitated.

Even after you asked questions
As I told you my tale,
In which I apparently failed
To explain

You called me to say
That you would always be there
But you ran as fast as a hare
And you lied.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye
But I hesitated.

I revealed that I couldn’t trust
Not when friend after friend
Brought an end
To every relationship.

You said you understood
You comforted me as the tears streamed down my face
But you ran as if in a race
And you never looked back.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye
But I hesitated.

I wanted to trust you
You said you could comprehend
Even after end and end
You said you would be there.

But now here I am
Lost and alone
Searching for a bone
Trying to understand how it happened again.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye
But I hesitated.

You asked me to trust you
I guess I was right
But thanks for the insight
Now I know where I went wrong.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye
But I hesitated.

When you were here,
Everything was so clear.
All I had to do,
Was open my eyes
To see the light in the sky.

Now that you’re gone,
I see no light.
I cannot see anything.
It scares me,
I can’t find my way.

I’m lost.
Please help me
Find my way back.
I can’t see the light
High up in the sky.

My eyes are closed.
I’m scared.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the sadness and tears;
Of the loneliness and despair,
Of the constant silence and emptiness.

I'm tired of the fear and darkness;
Of the memories that crawl through my mind,
Of the shame and terror they inspire.

I'm tired of the lies and pretending;
Of the words that leave my mouth,
Of the false "I'm fine" phrases.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the worries and stress;
Of the horrible scenarios,
Of the amazing scenarios.

I'm tired of the headaches and pain;
Of the emotions cartwheeling around,
Of the spiritual and emotional drain.

I'm tired of the heartache and failure;
Of the feeling of never being enough,
Of the quiet before it all hits.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

There's a point you pass,
It's when  you know that no matter how hard you try,
You're not going to sleep.
No matter how much you want to,
You've passed that point,
That point of no return.

You're no longer tired or exhausted,
You're just hyper.
Then the hyperness turns into boredom and restlessness.

As the hours drag on and on
And you stay up later and later,
You hit the emotional breakdown.

You hit the point where everything
Goes from hilariously funny
To tragically sad.

The final point comes
When  you everything that comes out of your mouth,
Is unfiltered!
Raw emotion,
Words tumbling over each other,
Not making sense.

And then all of a sudden,
You don't know how it happens,
But out of nowhere,
You're lying down somewhere,
Waking up from 5 hours of sleep.

I finally said good-bye
I told him last night
And i know that he was upset.
I told him to call me sometime,
But somehow I know he won't;
It’s just the way he is.

This morning I told my friend,
She said she was proud!
How could she be so happy?
That I said good-bye to him,
When I feel like dying on the inside?

I almost gave up last night
As I explained what was wrong
I almost gave in to his begging and pleading
But I just can't do it anymore
I had to say good-bye.

She asked if I was okay.
How can I be okay if I told him good-bye?
How can I be okay if I gave him an ultimatum that I knew he wouldn’t stick to?
I’m not okay
But I have to pretend that I am
Just to get by these last few weeks in this country.

2 days of school,
2 weeks of exams,
3 weeks before leaving this country forever
Not to come back
Leaving him forever unsure when I’ll see him again.
Why am I losing these last few weeks with him?
Why did I say good-bye now?

I didn't truly want to say farewell
But she made me.
She hates him
Even though she's never met him.

I finally said good-bye to him
And said she was proud of me
And asked if I was okay.
But how can she be proud?
How can I be okay?
When he's still on my mind?!?

You make me happy,
You make me smile,
You make me glow,
For more than just a while!

Just remember
That I was the faithful one.
I was the one that checked on you
I was the one that put on a new face for you.

I was always there for you
Even when you weren’t there for me.
I was the faithful one.
I waited for you, time and time again.

You left me alone with just my thoughts.
I guess I wasn’t worth ten minutes
Of your time.
Even though I was the faithful one.

I took your ****.
Over and over again.
I checked on you
Even when you didn’t want me to.

I was the faithful one
Who waited for her best friend
And took all the **** she was given
By her best friend.

I guess you didn’t give a ****
As I waited for you
Like a faithful friend.
But you never showed your face.
You never showed your face.

stuck here
without words to say
all i can do is listen
listen to your constant chatter.

my ears are dying
as all i can do is listen
without saying a single word.

can't you just---
yes i'm listening to you
but when will you listen to me

my ears are bursting
from all this talk
of stupid things that nobody understands

my ears are dying
bursting
from being stuck here and listening
listening to you
and only *you

It's been 3 years since we last spoke.
It's been 2 years since you said you didn't want to be friends.
It's been 2 years since you started ignoring me.

It's been 6 years since you said we'd always have each other.
It's been 5 years since you said we would be friends forever.
It's been 5 years since you said nothing could tear us apart.

It's been 2 years since I last saw you,
Since we last spoke.
It's been 2 years...

Am I still allowed to cry?
You were my bestest friend in the whole world!
We planned that our children would be just as close as we were.
We said we'd be the two old women in the nursing home who would be cackling like crazy.
We said that nothing would come between us.

It's been 2 years...
Am I still allowed to miss you?
You were my shoulder to cry on.
You were my reasonable side.
You were the one to make sure I studied just as much as I played sports.

It's been 2 years since we've said a single word.
Am I still allowed to miss you?
You were my bestest friend.
Am I still allowed to be in pain?
You made a promise!
Am I still allowed to cry?
You said "I will never ditch you or forget about you".
Am I still allowed to wish?
You said "distance is making our friendship stronger".

You were my best friend,
And it's been 2 years now.
What went wrong?
How did it come to this?
I don't understand!

We went for a walk
Into town.
You told me a story
Just to pass the time.
I was quiet as I listened
While trying to figure out if this was just a dream.

We went for a walk
Into town.
You led us to different shops
But never stopped.
I smiled
Telling you about myself.

We went for a walk
Into town and back.
You finally stopped
And sat down in the park.
I sat next to you
But slightly apart.

We went for a walk
Into town and back.
You put your arm around me,
Pulling me closer.
I leaned against you
Trying to hide the motional war inside of me.

We went for a walk
Into town and back.
You leaned in for a kiss
Finding my lips, gently holding me tight.
I closed my eyes
As we disappeared in our own world.

We met up
All the time.
You held my hand
Silently promising your protection.
I told you my problems
Thinking I could lose myself with you.

We met up
All the time.
You would hold me tight
Seeming to never want to let go.
I opened up to you
Believing it would last.

We met up
All the time.
You were always there
Waiting just for me.
I saw a change in your eyes
But I didn’t say a word.

We slowly started to drift apart
Going our own separate ways.
You call every now and then
Asking me to meet up.
I sometimes give in and agree
Sometimes I listen to the confused mess that tells me to ignore you.

We slowly started to drift apart
Going our own separate ways.
You hurt me
Deep inside.
I wonder what
Was going through your head.

We slowly started to drift apart
Going our own separate ways.
You keep leading me
Never stopping.
I am still following you
When I should just let go.

We went for a walk
Into town and back.
We met up
All the time.
We slowly started to drift apart
Going our own separate ways.

Sometimes I wish
We were still together.
Sometimes I wish
You would just leave me alone.
Sometimes I wish
We had never met.

Sometimes I just wish…

I went through my pictures today
And I realized I used to be happy.
Something I haven’t been in a while.

The person I see in those photos
Is not the same person looking back through the mirror;
There’s a faint resemblance, nothing more.

I used to smile and laugh, always so joyful;
I still do, but it’s no longer genuine
No longer healthy.

People used to say my smile made their day
And all I could think was
It’s just a smile, how can it make such a difference?

I never understood what they meant
When they said the smile should be seen in the eye;
That there should be a glitter, a sparkle.

Now when I laugh, when I smile,
It’s polite, lacking reassurance
Missing the light heartened warmth

I went through my pictures today
And I realized I used to be happy.
I finally know what that glitter, that sparkle is.
.
.
.
It’s what’s missing from the mirror.

I was looking for some inspiration
but all I found was a crowded courtyard.

We walked the streets
all we saw was a man blowing fire.

We screamed and cheered
while he almost burned down the tree.

I was looking for some inspiration
but all I saw was a place full of people.

We headed for the bathroom
but the lines stretched for miles.

We talked and talked
in a small little corner.

I was looking for some inspiration
but there was only fireworks.

We ran to watch
only the reflection on the building could be seen.

We recorded the sky from an odd angle
hoping to catch some real fire in the sky.

I was looking for some inspiration
but all I found were empty words.

We walked the streets
and I guess I finally found some inspiration.

We talked and talked while watching the sky
hmmm there was some inspiration in that I guess!

me and you,
we're through.
you don't care,
you never listen.
me and you,
we're through.
im tired of all this,
im tired of pretending.
me and you,
we're through.
when can i finally be rid
of all this unhappiness?
when will you just leave
because
me and you,
we're through.

I miss you
Do you miss me?

We used to be so close
We were best friends
Talking, texting, being together all the time.

But I realized a harsh reality.
I was the only one to make an effort.

You've moved forward with your life
Living in a new place
Making new friends

While I'm miles away
Wondering how things changed from one second to the next
Trying to figure out why I'm not good enough.

We used to share everything
All our secrets and our dreams
All our fears and our nightmares

But somewhere down the road
You ran ahead and left me here behind.

You left me here behind.
Now I'm alone
Trying to move forward
With an emptiness where you lived.

Just let me say,
Before you ask another question,
That the day you see into my mind
That is the day,
They day that you will run away.

Just believe me when I say,
So that you can understand,
That if you look into my mind
All you will see are thoughts.

Dark thoughts swirling around
Contradicting each other.
Confused feelings bouncing back and forth
Merging with the next.
Happy thoughts cartwheeling to a corner
Only to be shrouded in darkness.

Just let me say:
Please stop trying
You don't need to see what's in my mind
Just understand that I'm trying
That I don't want you to leave.

I know that I say I don’t care.
That I don’t feel the pain.
That life is unfair,
Love, friends, pain,
It all goes away.

But if people would just listen
And hear the words that I’m saying
Or just read between the lines.
They may finally realize
That I can’t stay invisible forever.

I’m lost in my own mind
Looking for a way out;
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
It’s a dead end;
I keep running into WALLS
Made of stone and brick…
Layer upon layer;
Stack upon stack…
I see the top getting closer…
Closer…
Closer…
But I haven’t reached it yet…
When will it end?
Will I see the light?
Tomorrow is a new beginning
Maybe that’ll finally be the day I escape…
A new dawn starts…
…
…
…
I’m still looking for a way out:
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
Reaching the end
Running into WALLS
It’s started again…
When will this the end?

Love can banish the darkness
But love can also cause it,
So choose your love wisely

I miss coming home and talking to you
You would listen as I screamed and ranted and rambled on
Your advice would be the same day after day
You always say "it will be better. Just wait for tomorrow"

I miss playing games with you
You taught me card games
You took the time to teach me HP vs MP
You always come up with outrageous answers

I miss arguing against you
You say a nerd is better than a geek
You win pretty much every time
You think a random fact or stat is the best thing to say

I miss beating you up
You always cry at the slightest touch
You never throw a punch even though you're stronger
You scream and yell until you lose your voice

I miss coming home and talking to you
I miss playing games with you
I miss arguing against you
I miss beating you up

Clothes strewn across the floor
Boxes lining the walls.
There's an echo in the living room
That wasn't there before.
The walls have been painted white
And the carpets have all been rolled up.
The feeling of home has evaporated,
Leaving behind the feeling of eternal rush
Thinking that there isn't enough hours in enough days
To finish getting everything in their boxes.
Piles of books and junk fill the room
Blocking paths to and fro.
Empty walls reminders that it's time to leave.
Dust swirling up in the air,
A constant warning that time is flying by.

Finally the emotions sink in:
This is the final week in a foreign country
That has been home for the past nine years.
It's time to return to a birth country
That was only a vacation home
That has long faded from memory.
Knowing that good-byes are only days away
Even hours
Pulls at the heart, unleashing the tears.
A sinking feeling sets in;
This is the last time,
For many years,
That travelling Asia will ever be so easy.
The last time this country will contain "home"
But not the last time it will call to the heart.
It will call and call but there will only be yearning
And longing but not action.
Who knows when this country will get its way?
Maybe a couple of years
Or maybe never
But the thought of leaving
Is just too hard to deal with.
With only days left
And the packers on the way,
The good-byes are looming.

I don't want to say good-bye again.
I don't want to leave my home.
I don't want to pack up my room.
I don't want to get rid of half my stuff.
I don't want to stop traveling Asia.
I don't want to lose my friends.
I don't want to go to college in America.
I don't want to miss out on the amazing foods here.
I don't want to decide what to take and what to leave.
I don't want to sell my books.
I don't want to acknowledge that I'll never see some of these people again.
I don't want to move another time.

With three days left
I have to finish packing.
But the tears keep threatening to burst free.
How do I say good-bye?
How can I leave my home?
Moving can be such a pain.