If want was water,
I would be drowning, my head under completely
and my oxygen quickly depleting.
If confusion was cold,
My fingers would be numb and I wouldn't even
have a coat to ward off the freezing.
If youth was you,
It would be slipping away by the second,
And I can't get a hold to stop it.
Now,
my air is gone,
I'm shivering to the bone,
and can't keep a hold on.
But, this is only a poem:
I know I'm not suffocating, subzero, or slipping.
But I can't help but feel like the more I write,
the farther I get from reality
and the closer I get to metaphor mortality.

I guess I have accepted it
The way he is going to be
It must bring him happiness
That I can't see
The time he spends with them
Is a fantasy that he needs
To bring some sense of all of this
Is a feeling I need

Can you feel the ache in my chest?
Can you touch the cracks in my heart?
Can you tell where my soul begins,
And where it's been torn all apart?

I'm made of sharp edges and pieces fit with super glue
Can you feel it?
I'm a heartless enigma and a soulless slice of truth
Can you feel it?
Enemies make the best friends and now I hate you
Can you feel it?

Lies are like a bullet to my heart, filling me with holes
A feeling of emptiness overwhelms me, a space too bold
Trying to hold on tight to a tangle too tied to unfold
Lost in a web of pain too damaged to be controlled

I'm made of broken glass, chipped and shattered
Can you feel it?
I'm an empty shell of something that once mattered
Can you feel it?
Pieces are falling, a love now bruised and battered
Can you feel it?

The harmony of injustice is ringing in my ears
A lullaby of sweet nothings and my childhood fears
A common trend unfolds, a chorus of chants and tears
A pain ripples through my body and the monster finally appears

Can you feel it?

I am still
In deep thought-
Wondering, how easy I’ve let you slipped
From my hands
And from my heart

--

Let’s take a step back
And recount the moments
Recollect the memories
Reminisce the good old days
And reassess this overnight decision I’ve impulsively taken

Let’s take a few more steps back
And remember the first time I met you
Back in high school
The first time I said hi
And thought you were cute

You were a plethora of my firsts
The first boy bestfriend I’ve ever had
The first boy to ever ask me out on dates
The first boy to talk to me on a daily basis
The first boy I ever liked…. Who actually liked me back

Undoubtedly,
You were my first love

I thought I loved you like I’d never love anyone else
I told you everything
Wrecked these walls I’ve sheltered from for so long
Just to hand you this little fragile heart of mine
Through the cracked linoleum and the broken glass windows
I gave you a golden ticket and an aerial view
To my world

And after two years,
In the end,
You did decide to return the favour
You trusted me enough
To let me enter this mystical world of yours
These two dimensions you seem to always get lost in
Those two roads diverged in a wood
That you can never seem to wrap your head around
and choose

As I write this,
I start to realise why and how I stopped loving you

I think I got tired
Of trying to pull you up
As you let yourself drown in the seas
of your undecided thoughts

I stopped loving you
The moment you say “I’m going to change”
But the next day you woke up
You put on the same old clothes
You took the same route
To the place that led you exactly back to where you once were

I got sick of
Saying the same things
Over and over again
Asking you to change
Only to expect nothing in return

Truth be told
As similar as we are as people
We live in worlds too distant apart
Your world is too foreign for me, too fast and scary
Whereas my world is too small and tightly guarded, all child’s play

As much as I’d want to love you
I can’t seem to do so
And if I could, I'd say this a million times to you

I truly am sorry.

Some days I still have a hard time understanding
the boy who said he loved me,
broke my heart wide open
He said that no matter what
No matter how things went down
that even if we weren't destined to be together
That at least we had a friendship
to last a lifetime
But his messages became spotty
and his appearance in my life eventually ceased to exist

He stopped coming around
Stopped being there for me when I needed him
On the days I couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard
He told me I should go to someone else with my problems
Our friendship was demolished

So all I gained was a broken heart,
trust issues, and a life lesson?
that doesn't seem right

Now I have a hard time believing
the words that come out of lovers mouths
I assume they are beautiful lies
meant to keep up a charade
Is that not what love is?
An incredible lust and infatuation
turned game of pretending to care
in order to use someone for what you need?
At least that's what he showed me.

I wish I was still the hopeless romantic I once was
But now I have a bitter heart

Have you ever seen a living person so happy and full of life,
End up stone cold and with nothing left,
Understand this,
Avoid it my dear children,
Turn your heads,
Don't look at them,
They endlessly stare at nothing with their glassed eyes,
They tear out the sorrow and pain when you walk towards them,
So don't look my innocent children,
It will change your lives,
Morbid things is all you'll see,
Feel nothing but cold,
Eat nothing but dirt,
Do you dare to look now children of Eden,

What a wonderful world you built for two,
A painter you are, and she- a hue
Guess I'll always be the girl; a palette only with shades of blue,
Drawn in my mind, *me and you.