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you can escape reality if you put your head down to sleep
but its not guarantied that you'll dream
nothing in life is truly as it seems
neither good nor bad, intertwined worlds in between
like a stranger on the street passing by who never stops to smile, never bats an eye
a sleepless guy, a losing battle
a girl he loves but he can't seem to handle
puffs of smoke & getting lost in cars
strangers hands & late night bars
lines of powder that make us feel love
or something close to it we can never touch
love is an illusion, love is a dream
loves going to k*ll you if you let it in
because no one stays the same yet nobody changes
interchanged in each other; let me look in your eyes
let me unpack my rage & disclose all my lies
let me become a sinner & a martyr in your life
and in your soft sweet embrace filled with emptiness & space
hold me & tell me you adore me
that there's no one worth more than me
that you can't even describe my beauty
that you don't only care about my ******
that you actually see my soul and you don't care when i act cold
because beneath it all you look through me
& you know me - because i know you
& we are reflections of one another,
lost souls wandering who dream in colour
do i leave you breathless? do i cross your mind? do you think i'm even worth your time?
i can't seem to understand why but there's a glowing light
at the end of the tunnel
that begs me to...try.
i know that loving me hurts,
hell, it hurts me too.
& it kills me inside to know that's what i do
i'm drowning down under a deep blue lagoon
& i'm swimming for the top, reaching towards your hand
its hard to breathe & its darker than night and the waters cold & my toes are numb but i know that i can't stop swimming up.
i need you to show me how to change,
i need to see a brighter light -
i'm tired - i know i shouldn't be
i'm young & have so much life ahead of me
but i don't know where i'm going
and all good moments are fleeting & rushing past me like cars on a never ending highway
120km an hour & thats how fast you'd drive only to find me
can you believe that i ever thought less of myself?
if there is good in bad & bad in good & perfection doesn't exist
it's a lie to say you didn't love me
it's a lie to say you weren't there
i recognize the pain in your eyes,
a fading image of my face, it will soon be over
& its best for your heart if you try to ignore it.
losing time under neon lights with accompanying thoughts of mine
a rainy night.
is it bad to say i want to hold your hand?
never mind ***, tell me what makes you sad
tell me how disgusted you are with yourself when you act the way you do
i want to know every person in that diaphanous mind
i promise you my love is blind.

i'm lighting my second cigarette & losing track of time.
you're so special & ethereal
your love is sublime.
your voice echoes in my mind
let me give you my body,
my heart, my soul -
you inspire me to transcend to greatness.

- conceptcollection.
just thinking about the past & present all at once, what else is new.

feels absolutely amazing to be back after all these years. <3
stop beating yourself up over your mistakes. stop thinking that you’re useless for being less than perfect. stop thinking that whatever happened to you was your fault, because it wasn’t. things happen, whether they are good or bad. life expects us all to carry our tribulations on our back while maintaining smiley, eager faces.

sometimes, life is not fun. sometimes, life is lonely, and its empty, and its tired. but just as you woke up one day scared at the thought that you lost all feeling, you will also wake up calm & happy again. eventually. the trick to life is not just carrying your tribulations, but waiting in anticipation and hopefulness for the days to come. it is so important. if you do not have hope, if you do not push forward, life stops. and although we may want life to stop, think of all the people you’ve touched - all the people you know, who spent time with you, who text you, who beg you to come out, who even give you a small little compliment one day in class. those peoples lives change forever when you’re gone, and for those close to you, it would be for the worst.

so remember, its not your fault. its not your fault that she left you, its not your fault that he hit you, it’s not your fault. people suffer at the hands of those who are incomplete. please be compassionate to yourself. please be kind. our minds are our greatest enemies because they take things that have been said to us by people who don’t even know us. it takes the hurt, lies and anger others inflict on you to break you down, and spins it around to make you hate yourself. please don’t hate yourself. please remember that this is all relative, it is all an experience.

take your time to heal.

-note to self

concept collection
whew, its been a while. i’m back and ready to spill my brain out to you all.
i am so ******* tired
of acting like i know
what i'm doing.

i am trying,
but aimlessly wandering,
no direction in mind.

- the start of changing
sometimes I still feel young
so small I could fit in someone's coat pocket,
become invisible or completely erased.
what is the point of taking on a world
where you know you are small-
you get no where. you feel nothing.

- small
here’s the thing with moving on. it creeps in, slowly.

when I was first broken up with, the pain felt unreal. the thoughts of being forever unrepairable plagues your mind, and suddenly the world is a lot darker without them. more dark than a solar eclipse, their absence leaves you in pitch black loneliness.

but there are stages to moving forward, and each person experiences them differently. but you can always guaranty that although the one you miss is constantly on your mind, the thought will eventually start to dim. like a trying lightbulb, it will attempt its last ignition alive and fail. it will dim out without your knowledge, and your heart will eventually be okay with it.

like I said the process creeps in slowly. one minute you’ve forgotten about their beautiful smile and perfect hands and the next you’re remembering the goosebumps that arose when he touched you. you’re reliving an experience you’ve held dear to your heart, and to no avail, nothing changes. you’re both on opposite sides of the universe, strung up in old feelings like ***** laundry, but are somehow airing each other out. looking forward.
sometimes you’ll look back, but you’ll never allow your shoulders to follow. you’ll never be able to do that to yourself now because you know the second you do, everything comes back, right?

i’ve allowed to let my shoulders turn but only come back as a walking ghost. its a distance I respect, love and hate all at once. I love it because sometimes I still get to hear the laughter. I get too watch how careful his hands are when he pours his drink, or hands me the remote. its a torturous feeling of bliss, wonder and nostalgia. I hate it for this, too, because when you see those delicate hands, you wonder what they would feel like on you again. you wonder if they wonder, and that’s the end of it all.

when you wonder, you wander. I go into this reality of what has been, and what could of been. It’s an escape from what is and, for just a while, I can ease the initial pain and remember what it was like to have your lips against my skin, touching everywhere and healing everything. Sometimes that’s all you need- not the person, but the feelings they arose in you.

that's what hurts about love; it will always move faster than time and somehow allow us to remain completely still, unchanged, unwillingly hinged together by a thread.

so that’s really the question: are you pushing forward? Are you meeting someone new? Does she smile at you like I used to?

       I beg you don’t forget. please don’t forget about me.

- moving on
that always seems to be the problem -
one person is thinking about all the hurt while the other is thinking of all the love
and they somehow never think
to trade perspectives.

-communicating is just as important as the act of loving
the platform lights outside my train
glaze the seats across from me with
a golden ambiance
that reminded me of the twinkle in your eye-
i can't seem to remember it anymore
for what it was set as in reality
but the reminder was nice
and so i hold onto it, an already-fading memory;
a lesson in change and understanding.
an ambiance of change and letting go.

- thank you for reminding me to grow

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