Because I loved you
with all of my heart.

I wish the world were blind,
so love could be.

Promises are allowed to be broken,
I promise.

I listen for clues. Perhaps you'll change your mind.

You can decide.
I wont attempt to influence.

It may be a lifetime,
but Its not that much.

I'm enamored.

I tried to tell you,
but I failed. My lips part,
lusting for words.
Instead just silent breath escaped.
It screamed for you.
but you couldn't hear.
you never saw.
You should have known.

Still I try, and fail.
A screaming heart,
without the courage to speak.

No idea what to say.
instead I'll just annoy.
ignore.
run.
RUN.
You won't make it.

Nobody ever makes it, anyway.

Its an impossible task.
for me at least.

I'll try again. But you know,
I'm doomed to fail.

And perhaps I never will,
see you again. And perhaps I never will,
speak to you so sweetly.
But darling, I swear,
From the second I saw you,
To the end of Eternity,
I will love you.
unfailing.
unfaltering.
unending.


I miss you.

inside of my mind
something lingers, awaiting
nightmares
aflame with inner demons.

I am in love.
Finally with myself.
Instead of you.

Every person
capable of love.
Yet we struggle
loving ourselves.

You're right back
where you never belonged.
In the illusion of love
you find in her arms.

Blonde hair,
straightened into submission.
Face made up,
hiding the flaws.
'Beautiful'
I wonder what the world
sees,
when they call you beautiful.
Because when I look at you
all I see is your contorted soul,
twisted into a being
built on the pain of others.
Under that makeup,
under that skin,
under that superficial idea,
you have no idea what beauty is.

I once believed, somewhere behind it all
that I could give myself to something great.
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

and now I must wonder, what shall befall
for you, you were there, and you were my fate,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

I swore to myself that I would stand tall,
that I would never shatter under this weight,
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

And now you've helped me build my greatest wall,
I could hide here inside, where I'll be safe,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

and to me my gypsy soul may now call,
and the world I may circumnavigate
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

for now I shall wander, down lifes grand hall
there must be happiness, along this strait
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.
But somehow all I managed was to fall

My least favourite moments live
when the sun has left the sky
and I come to prepare myself
to face the perils of the night.

Before I am forced to face
the dangers lurking in the nightmare
I carry myself to the mirror
to face whatever I may find there

at first its harsh and I look away
trying to forget that it is me
staring at me from that nightmare
a reflection I wish I couldn't see.

So I come to a solution to change
the impossibilities of my reflection
I remove my contacts, and blindly
I return for another inspection.

In the blur of the mirror I imagine
all the women that I could have been
if only the blur of my vision
is what the rest of the world had seen.

Caution:*

Powered by Love:
     Heart not included.

Broken toys disappoint

If I turn around I can see the sun,
the moon,
the stars.
I can't imagine a dream,
more conclusive in its ending.

They all fall.

I cannot find a solution.
I cannot find an answer to this never ending thought.
I tried today to find a light,
to light this cave I've descended into.

Instead I found more darkness, just.
It shone, as light would,
but reflected nothing.
But this darkness does not intimidate me.
I do not fear it.
I just do not understand it.

When you smile, I find it
to be absolutely fascinating.
but  I do not know how to respond.
It does not provoke my own face to mimic your emotion.

So i look on in the darkness for an emotion
I can fathom to explain. To repeat.
I fail.
I find joy, but it is not the joy you feel.

Mine is not a feeling. not an emotion.
it is an idea, a lucid dream.
my imagination, telling me the difference
between my smile and yours.

I know you.

I wish I knew you better.

I want to watch you, like I used to.
Like I used to so enjoy to do.
But life has taken us separate directions.

No.

Truth, I miss you.

Prost.

I am the proverbial cat.

Curiosity has stuck me in a box,
where I am both alive and dead .

Curiosity about human emotions,
left me scratching at the doors
of this lifeless body.

I am but a soul,
chasing smaller beings
that have no chance.

I am not alive, and dead.
I am not alive, or dead.

I am not a cat.

I am a walking paradox.

10¢ on the dollar
but it is not about money.

I spent my evening weaving
together a fantasy
of the future I silently ache for.

I dreamt of finding love,
somewhere where love belongs.

So imagine my surprise
upon drifting into sleep
to find somewhere in the
depths of my subconscious


you are there.
begging me not to move on.

anxiety consuming,
sleep deprivation sinking in
more coffee than I care to admit.

attractive men
passing
without a passing glance

still flustered from security
bobby pins alarming.
terrorism, undoubtedly.

still people watching.
hoping some man
might look my way.

remember I look 12,
not 21.
maybe I am just ugly.

doesn't help that I am
holding onto Oliver,
my stuffed turtle,

as if he is
the life
hiding in my soul.

coffee, coming back to me.
every emotion intensified.
bladder swollen, nervous.

only 9 hours,
to home.
if ever there was.

I forgot to come
to you to save me from my
Enchanting nightmares.

'let go'*
she says,
as she reaches in to
the deep pit of my chest,
and retracts the brittle
shrunken heart.
Once swollen with her love.
now hers, to keep.
whatever twisted,
Awful mess
shes found.

Made again to feel unworthy.
he tells me its no surprise.

Don't have expectations.
life is a murderous thing.

Trying so hard,
to keep my soul to myself.

Trying harder even
to convince you to share your own.

No explanations.
None needed, none deserved.

But heart wrenching guilt,
simply for being myself.

Knowing, daily, that I will Never earn
the love of a man of your caliber.

Flirting again. Your best friend.
outside, hope eludes me.

On the inside I cannot let go
of the ever crushing pain of hope.

Unanswered texts.
Wasted wishes of a wasted man.

I am falling madly in love,
with your hand,
holding mine.

The only love I long for,
is your nicotine breath.

here I am,
breaking every promise
I've made to myself.

I will never understand this.
We agreed, daily, that we were stronger than any other couple we knew.
We knew that we loved each other, more than any average pair.
We knew from the start that we were destined for forever.
You promised me forever, every day.

So when you said it was over, I knew you were angry.
But when is anger enough?
How can any emotion be more important than love?
Love.
Isn't that supposed to be our ultimate goal in life?

After 2 months on my own, I asked you
"Is it really over? Is it because you don't love me anymore?"
I begged you to say to me that you didn't love me anymore.
"I can't do that"
two months without me, and you still loved me.
But you didn't want me back.

3 more months, and you still can't speak to me.
Is it because you still love me?
Maybe you weren't ready for love.
Maybe you panicked.
But you couldn't tell me why.

You still can't tell me why.
But everyone tells me you've moved on.
You promised me, when you left, that you wouldn't.
That what you really needed was time on your own.
But how much time were you really alone?

and I wonder if you love her,
the way that you loved me?
Or if she's just a body to keep you warm.

I can't figure this out.
I can't understand.
But I know that I still love you.
I know that I can't move on.
I know that I promised you forever, and I meant it.

Forever.
Until the day my soul disperses through the atmosphere,
forgetting what love is.

I love you
with every
piece of me
you shattered.

Sometimes
when my conscious thoughts cease,
and I let my mind wander
into a dream,

My memory swells with the smells
of the soft sea breeze,
and holding your hand as we walked
with a perfect feeling of peace.

Though the love that we shared
came and went with such ease,
I still miss you sometimes
on quiet days like these.

And I wonder where you wander,
when your conscious thoughts cease

I do not believe in your God,
yet the piece of me
that I have given to you,
will define itself with your catholicism,
and you,
my darling priest,
will always be the closest to God
that I dare to reach.

Ive lost myself
in the bitter reality
of being human.

when you joked
and said I had no heart,
nothing but a
seething black hollow,

were you really just telling me
from the start
that you would leave me
and what would follow?

My mom read my poem.
All she had to say
"Well that's just depressing"

My mother, the woman
Ive found cowering
in the corner of her closet
holding the gun to her tears
and begging for escape.

Depressing.

My mother, the woman
who tells me that after
30 years of marriage
she wishes she had never said yes.

Depressing.

THAT woman.
Who has the audacity to tell me
that she wishes
I had never been born.

Depressing.  

How can you expect me
to love myself,
when you can't
even love me...

Depressing.

look at the example you've set.

I'm begging to go home.
but I have no home.

I'm sleeping on couches.
Missing a life that can never be again.

I'm living how I've always wanted.
Thought, I'd always wanted.

Begging for a home that never was.

I am not defined
by your ideas of
humanity
I am disgusted by them.

It's only tomorrows
lingering in my past.
Every
wasted
one.

unassuming truths
unanswered questions
unending nightmares

In my bed I dream,
but in the day
the visions scream.

Uncontending idols,
fighting to be bigger than they seem.

Calloused bodies
in unwashed sheets,
unbearable rhythms
with undefined beats.

Explosions in my mind,
or explosions on the streets?

Concurrence is insanity
but insanity is fair.
Look around the room,
I promise you it's there.

Join me in my daydreams,
and I promise you'll be scared.

We shall all reach the end
as nothing but **ourselves.

Eyes open
mouth open
inhale.

INHALE.
oxygen!

new day,
must remember how to breathe.
while in my sleep,
my body pleaded to forget.

I wake.
I gasp.
I grasp.
I am suffocating.

Nightmares,
or are they?

Go back to sleep,
body will not function.
You are not breathing.
you are still dreaming.

I accept.

process,
repeated.

eyes open.
mouth open.
hesitate to inhale.

Body shakes,
quivers.
Nightmares,
for sure.

stand,
wake,
live.

believe in today,
make a change.
you will be fine.
you will survive.

6.19,
afraid to sleep.

today is the day.
you will be fine.

eyelids begging,
trick of the nightmares.
"fall asleep,
I will carry you"

Process,
repeated.

today is the day.

eyes open.
mouth open.
no need to gasp.
no need for nightmares.

Fall asleep,
stay asleep.
beg for nightmares.
weep
in the presence of my spirit.

"you are alone,
you will be alone,
I am all you have"
whispers from the depths of my soul.

I am living
the nightmare.

Process,
repeated.

eyes open
mouth open
may as well inhale.

Why am I thinking of you,
in these moments.
Knowing, there is no chance.
smitten.
Infatuated.
dying for your attention.

Maybe if I dress up.
Curl my Hair.
Make up my face.
wear a dress to hug all of my curves.

Maybe if you look at me
and only see
the ****** thoughts
That have consumed me
for so long.

maybe,
you'll push me into
that wall
and slam your body into mine

Maybe the heat between our bodies
will be unbearable
and you'll finally
succumb to me.

or maybe,
I will show up in sweats,
with my hair thrown up,
and I'll cry on your bed
while you cook me some
Comfort foods.

and everything will
be like it always is.
While you think
I am still crying over him,
and not you.

Can we call it irony,
that while half the world is begging to set themselves free,
I've never felt the pain of withdrawl,
The pain that I feel is only emotional.
while Ive spent this past month,
breathing only the clean fresh city smog
Im begging for your nicotine,
Confused by why anyone struggles to quit.
It would be so easy for me,
if only it weren't the easiest way
to **** myself,
With slow suffering.
happiness now,
euphoria when my lungs finally give out.

Isn't it how every girl dreams of being looked out?
the way your eyes soften,
as the word 'beautiful' escapes your lips.
isn't it love, when I know the sound
of your heart beat,
as it races with my own?
the way your hand is never too warm too hold,
but always warms my entire soul when you touch me.

Staring through my reflection
at the lobsters in the tank.
Tears welling, not for them; but me,
envious of their imminent fate.

The fact that love demands ***,
but *** does not demand love
tells me only to be weary
of humanity,
and the priorities we set for ourselves.

My stomach turns.
I should be sleeping.
but I can't.

The
vast
light
shone,
dreading darkness
she could not defeat.

I am a languid idea,
carved into the sand
where the rock was too resilient.

Perhaps next time
I shall be the stubborn rock
refusing to be tainted.

Or maybe I'll be
the easily manipulated sand.

I remember
Always knowing
that I am different

solidified by the fact that
when the rest of the world
was drooling over boy bands
and muscley men
and I'll never know what else,

I was young,
growing up,
madly in love with
**Bill Murray

Im stuck in the memory
of your face.
And The way you didn't mind
when Id just stare.
Because your beauty was mesmerizing.

Were the world mine to give,
I would keep it.