The flowers
in his heart
are grey
and wilted

He is looking
for someone
to water them
again

I try to climb
to the peak
of Mount Enough
but never
seem
to get there
in my mind

the clicking of the keys
spells out
the beat of the heart

I miss being a crayon
when I had the certainty
of being liked by them
the fantasy so believable
that I believed it with all my heart

I miss being a crayon
when she and I laughed together
created together
shared our thoughts, quotes, and ideas
together

I miss being a crayon
when we had moments of
unity
collaboration
laughter that I could easily
be a part of

it was nice

I miss being a crayon
but now I am a pencil
less colorful
wavering
able to be whittled
and sharpened
and full of potential

You took my heart
and ripped it in two
because everything
you said about me
was true

A pen can be an amazing thing

but it is only a tool
it cannot manifest
the churning
of inner gears

He took my words and laughed at them
as if they were a joke
as if my inner workings
and my inner hurting
was the funniest thing

He took my words and laughed at them
wilting me inside
I worked so hard
to make them alive
and he smashed them
to smithereens

He took my words and laughed at them
this poem is my revenge

I can't remember
what we had
last night

I only have things
that feel like dreams
For it was too good
to stay with me

Your hand in mine
with the view
I took you to
pretending
I'd never been there
so we could share
our joy
of discovery
as the sun
began to set

And then
the clouds came in
and faded
any truth
of us

Did we happen?

You say you are ugly
because you only ever see
yourself
in the mirror
that tells you what to think

You don't see you
when I make you laugh
when your eyes come alive
with joy

You don't see you
when your crush texts you
and you fail to hide
your smile

You don't see you
when your dad comes home
at the end of the day
and says he loves you
wrapping you
in his arms
you are so filled with glee

You don't see you
when you make us so happy
you cannot help
but beam like the sun

the mirror is not a person
it has no face or voice
it cannot tell you anything
it will never say
you are beautiful

but we have faces
and we have voices
and we can say
you are

if
   you'd
              like
                      to
                           Change
                                           me
                                                        Then
                                     double
                              click
                         to
                 Edit
           my
                                           thoughts

I choose grey markers
I cannot choose colored ones
That would be a lie

where
is the there
that i'm supposed

to get to

i think i've lost the map

I say the thoughts out loud
for that is the only way to end them
to make them disappear

they are the maybes
the unknowns

I am exposed to
the worst parts of my brain

Day in
and day out

Until they go away

There are good bubbles
and there are bad bubbles

the good ones come
at an engagement
a promotion
a finishing

the bad ones
are the ones inside me
all the time

i am drowning in a bathtub
that is far too deep

I take her name because it is other names
of those who I admire
who I love

I take her name now because
of her
I can no longer name
my child that name

I take her name
Because it allows me
to be
a person
who is better than me

It allows me
to pretend
I am her

You know your brain is collapsing
when you doubt your doubt
when you are uncertain about uncertainty

I am supposed to "embrace the uncertainty"
but how can I embrace it
if I don't even know if it is
uncertainty
at all

This is beyond
what is not
Death and Taxes
this is beyond
that beyond
because you don't know
if the doubts
are even true
if they're even you

at all

There is no escape
From your mind
You cannot throw it away
No matter how much I want to