There are so many things
I want to tell you
For you to understand
There are so many reasons
I want you to know
For leaving you behind
It's not your fault
It will never be
The only person to blame
Is me
I seem to ***** up
Every friendship, relationship
Everything I do
I'm the mess, the problem
The huge grenade
I cause disaster and pain
Anywhere I go
So don't worry
It's in no way your fault
The fault is all mine
The ***** up, the mess
The problem, the grenade
It is all my fault

I can no longer feel
For I am no longer alive
And no matter how hard you try
You will never be able to find me
I am buried so deep within myself
Even I don't no where I am
It's as if I have just disappeared
And am living in a dream state

When you jokingly said
you're already broken
You had no idea
Just how right you were
When you teasingly voiced
you're quite a mess
You really didn't know
The truth in those words

Stuck in your eyes
Trapped in the sea
Of passion, of blue
The swirling emotion
Paralyzed to the core
Unable to move
Caught in your gaze
Lit brightly with love
Twinkling in the night
As you move closer
Breathing changes
Heartbeat races
The room fades away
All that's left is you

No one can hear me scream
Over the sound of this silence
It is deafening and thick
Filled with ghosts and demons
The words nobody says
This silence is cracking
Straight to the core
Under the strain of unsaid horrors
Which people refuse to see
No one can hear the voices
That wind their way
Through the exposed crevices
Of the crumbling wall of silence
Soon this sturdy wall
Will collapse and tumble down
But still even then
No one can hear me scream

I'm here
Waiting
Hoping
Wishing
I'm here
Dreaming
Longing
Wanting
I'm here
Believing
Accepting
Belonging
I'm here
Caring
Watching
Loving
I'm here
I'm here
*I'm here

I long to be loved
The way only
A true gentleman can
To be held
Like I am precious
And prized
I long for the touch
Of a caressing hand
The brush of gentle lips
To be told
Again and again
That I am beautiful
I long for the words
Of passion and devotion
Meant only for me
To be breathed in
As though I am
The air needed to live
I long to be dreamed of
Day and night
Every waking moment
To be the last thing
Seen at night
And the first in the morning
I long to be seen
With caring, warm eyes
Which see my bare soul
To be whispered to
In the crowds
So only I can hear
**I long
Oh, I truly long
I long to be loved

I pretend that I don't care
When really I am screaming
From the frustration of failure
And the disappointment of
Letting you down
I brush off the hurt
With a flick of my wrist
Pretending it's not a big deal
When on the inside I am crying

Fake it till you make it
Has become my new motto
Except I am excellent at the fake it part
But have yet to make it anywhere
All I am good at
Is building up my walls
And constructing masks
To hide what I really feel
So I don't seem like I care
But I assure you
I most definitely do

I don't know how much longer
I can live in this world
A world where I can't breathe
I don't know how much longer
I can pretend I am alive
When all I am is a ghost
I don't know how much longer
I can carry on in this life
When I have faded from so much
I don't know how much longer
I can live in this world
A world where I do not seem to exist

You're my new dream
and my happy ending
My fairy tale story
and my new beginning

They are just two people
Pretending to be okay
Even when they both know
The other is falling away
They talk through the tears
Try to leak the happiness in
Pretend not to notice
When the other loses their grin
They both seem to know
The problems they both face
But still wear their masks
And keep their souls locked in a case
They both know the other is falling
And still they both keep pretending
*they both know

i've got no one to call home

i'm a bird without a cage
finally flying free
please don't try to catch me

Looking in the mirror
And thinking
oh, it's you again
Falling to the floor
In plenty of despair
you never change
The same reflection
Again and again
*always the same

I can't help but compare myself
To everybody else
It's just something I do
She's so much prettier
He's so much smarter
And soon it's all I can think
These thoughts circulate in my mind
And I don't think they'll ever leave

There are days I just fade out
And life passes me by
Until suddenly I **** awake
And realise all that I've missed

You asked me why I write these words
Well I can tell you one thing
I don't write for you
Or the strangers that will read them
I write to clear my mind
Get rid of all my thoughts
To dislodge those memories
I have constantly fought
I write to express what I feel
In a calm and collected way
To wipe my slate clean
And erase my bad days
I write to run
To escape
From a world I am sick of
And all the pressures of the day
So no, I don't write for you
Or for the strangers out there
I write for myself
So I don't have to care

I'm just tired. Tired of people assuming. Tired of being tired, of not knowing myself or what I want. Tired of wanting to cry all the time, of not being able to sleep. Tired of my past, of the future that's unknown. I'm tired of my ghosts and all the burdens that I carry. Tired of not liking the way I look, of my personality. Tired of not being a good friend, of not being able to keep friends or even make them. Tired of ******* everything up, of hurting people. I'm tired of being hurt, of feeling pain. Tired of all the lies I keep being told, of being afraid and frightened. Tired of constantly wishing I lived in another life, of coming back to reality after each time I finish a book. Tired of waking up after I sleep, of having crazy dreams that make me want to wake but then fall asleep again so I don't have to deal with everything. I'm so tired. But above everything, I'm just tired of being alone.

Maybe I got too used to you
The way you laugh and smile
Maybe I got too used to your voice
The way you whisper in my ear
Maybe I got too used to how you breathe
The steady rise and fall of your chest
Maybe I got too used to your hands
The way they cradle my smaller ones
Maybe I got too used to your heart
The scars and all the secrets it holds
Maybe I just go too used to you
And that's why we fell apart

I know you're out there
somewhere
Waiting for me
Just like I'm waiting for you
Maybe your around the corner
Or in full view
Just don't lose hope
Like I have begun to
Hold on for me
Hold on for us
please please please
I need you to believe
For both of us
Because I don't know
How much longer I can last

Every time I feel the tears
Come closer to the surface
I breathe deeply, blink quickly
And make sure they don't fall
I can't afford to show
All of this weakness
This vulnerability
That they all tell me to hide
I have to be strong, be firm
And never let them see
That inside I am dying
And slowly crumbling
Until soon there will be
*Nothing left of me

Why do people have to constantly make me feel bad about myself?
Exercise more
Dress more like a girl
Get a job
Wear make-up
Stop being so sensitive
The list goes on
Instead of making these comments
And forcing my self-esteem further and further
Down into a dark abyss
Where it will be harder to retrieve each time
Can’t you just be happy with who I am?

It scares me that you know
Exactly what I like
You see right though my i'm okay
And all the happy words I write
It scares me that you can
List things that make me laugh
Or the things that make me cry
And always break my heart
It scares me that you know
More about me than I do
And even more than I know
Everything about you
It scares me how much you care
When no one else does
When I am all by myself
With nobody else to love
It scares me how much I need you
To do the things you do
To stay always by my side
And to just be you

When did I get so good at hiding the truth?
Has my mask finally done all that it should?
How did I get so good at lying?
And why does it hurt so much more than I thought it would?

I wish you were my valentine
Or knew that I wanted you to be
I wish I wasn't so alone
Or that you would finally see me
I wish I could hold you close
Or whisper in your ear
I wish that I could tell you
How much I really care
I wish you were my valentine
Or even just my friend
I wish you knew who I was
Or loved me until the end

Being happy is a rare thing these days
And when I am it's like the sun has stop hiding
My smile is a relief from all the pain
And the world seems to be shining
I am grateful to those few people
Who can brighten up my miserable days
Lift up my spirit and state of mind
And turn the grey skies to blue
You have no idea how much you mean
In every single way possible
I just want to thank you and say that
*I am so, so grateful

I keep being told
I need to be more positive
Can't you see that I am trying
I am honestly trying
But it's so hard
When all you can see
Is the dark in everything
Or those demons
That haunt your memories
It's so difficult
When your only enemy
Is yourself
And all of your doubts
Crowd your mind
It's really tough
When nobody can see
How much effort
You put into being happy
And always smiling
It's so hard
When they can't see
How much your trying
To be positive
*Honestly, I am trying