I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm 15 and I've been smoking cigarettes for
a year.
I'm 15 and I've been with more boys then I can count on one hand.
I'm 15 and my preexisting anxiety and depression are becoming too much for me.
I'm 15 and I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I'm 15 and I don't want to be 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be 6.
I want to be 6 when I swore I'd never touch a cigarette in my life.
I want to be 6 when I didn't even know what anxiety was.
I want to be 6 but I'm not.
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be 28.
I want to be 28 with a man who appreciates my flaws and loves me no matter what.
I want to be 28 drinking a glass of wine or two at dinner, but no more.
I want to be 28 but I'm not.
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I'm scared.
I'm 15 and I'm scared because I'll never be 6 again, and I'm scared that I might not make it 28.
I'm 15 and I don't want to be 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be.

I figured out my suicide plan doctor
You've been asking if I had one
And now I do
I want to swallow just enough pills
Not to much
Just enough to make the voices in my head finally go way
Then I will climb to the roof
with my note books
Every single thing I've ever written
And I will bring my best friend
*****
Yes doctor, I've told you that I have other friends, but ***** was here when no one else was
And I will write till the voices come back
I will write about every time I have tried to **** myself
I will write a letter to everyone who knows me
Even the janitor that found me skipping class my sophomore year
And the boys on the bus from middle school
Even the people who wont let my name soil their lips
Doc, I'm gonna write these letters because I need everyone to have a permeant personal good bye, something physical
I will fill up two note books with everything I write
And then I will write to whatever god there may be
And tell them I'm sorry that I had to end everything this way
You see doctor I've never believed in God, but if there is even a small chance he's real I don't want to leave on bad terms
I'm going to write down every coping skill I know and address it in a letter to my parents
Then once I can no longer write even my name
I will stand and dance in the light of the moon
Letting the soft glow dance on my skin
And I will ignore the chill of the night
I will dance till my knees shake
And then I will speak to the moon
Doc the moon is like *****, Its always been there
I will apologize to the moon
Reaching to hold it in my arms
Toes on the edge
I will fall reaching for the moon
And in the final moments I will rejoice in the cool wind nipping at my skin
I will bask in the soft shimmer of the stars
I will say I'm sorry as the soft grass makes contact with the back of my head
You see doctor I've figured out my suicide plan

You made me feel as though I had galaxies is my veins
And like my eyes were deep pools of the night sky
My mouth had been a grave yard
But you planted the tree of life on my tongue
My hair contained the winds of the world
But since the day I found out you left
I started draining my galaxy veins
Leaving empty universes
Reality with you holding her fogged over my night sky eyes
The tree of life was poisoned by my acidic voice
The day you left
The wind became extinct
And every metaphor I ever was, is gone

i hope that when i die,
you're out there laughing
somewhere a thousand miles away from me
and that the air is fresh like the scent of wildflowers
with a chorus of songs playing from all the birds in the trees

i hope i die while you're reading your favorite book, during the part you always used to get so excited to quote
and that the light is just right
so it doesn't strain your eyes
in a place that is not too silent,
but quiet enough to enjoy the sound of each page as it turns

i hope i die in a plane crash
as it spirals from the sky to the sea
because flying and drowning are the two things i fear more than anything
i hope it makes a sound loud enough that you can hear it in the
distance, just enough to make you look up
but not enough to tear you away from your activities

i hope when i die,
i die slowly
so i have enough time to enjoy the pain, and recapture every moment in my brain
that involved you

maybe in 10 years we'll bump into each other

we'll catch up on all the time we let run away

and how desperately in love I was with you

and we can laugh about how we broke eachothers hearts.

From the day I was born, I have been your shadow.
Hidden in the dark, shaded by your existence.
Always the last one to be noticed when we are together.
No matter who noticed us, rather it be our
Friends or Family
Our own parents notice you first
Always.
I'm the one who is just
There
And you, well you are in the spotlight
Everywhere.

I was so close,
Last night,
And you stopped me,
Why?

Do you hate me,
That ******* much,
I'm hurting,
Broken,
Disgusted with myself,
Sick in many ways,

I don't see why you,
Insist to keep me here,
Let me go,
I know it'll hurt,
But let me go,
Because one big thing is,

I don't want to be here without you,
I told you that,
Yet I am,
So let me go away,
To another place,
And just stay there,
For a good bit,
We will meet up someday.

I once had a friend who when we always used to play, played dead
I used to think it was really funny, those memories stay in my head
We would run around laughing
Where we would always be catching
Each other, trying to the other
I know that there will never be another
One day, while I was waiting for him to come over
I received the news...
And I still tell myself to this day...
He's just playing dead...

She Layed Her Head On His Chest
And Her Thoughts Wondered Why
His Heart Screams Out So Silently.

Why. It's Always Banging On His Chest. But No One Seems To Answer.

And He Replied: It's Been Trapped In This Sad Body Since The Beginning Of My Existence.
It Wants To Escape. But No One Seems To Set Free Into The Light.

It Finally Gave Up.
Made Friends With The Darkness.
Shared Ancient Stories.
Shared Emotions With The Razor.

And The Razor Understood All Its
Problems.
The Razor Then Smiled At The Sad Wrist.
And After A While, It Said.
Look, You're Smiling Too. :)

I floated in you as
we ran and you held me
against the wall
and I was very inside
your arms, I was
in you.

He came down as we got
high. You had me on
lock down because I
ran through the basement
and you couldn't keep up
very well. As they questioned
my ability to keep running
as my lips stuck to my teeth.

Staring at you across the room
your eyes raked my body
and your knees shaked.
I'm pretty sure you bit your
lip and stared at me
for awhile.

I was tripping in the hallway when
you came out.
The wall was liquid
and I was painting
with it.
I'm friends with your kind
of ex girlfriend
and I want to feel her
skin against mine.
I want her bones to
grind with me.
And I know I'm very ******
up right now.
But I'm floating in a crowd
and somehow I'm holding
my bladder down.
I am air
and nothing can touch me.

I have to be the image of
perfection soon.
So help me god,
I am no where near
having a halo.

My skin crawls
with the broken
promises you keep
picking out of your
teeth.

But I have my share
of those underneath my
fingernails so I guess
I shouldn't open my mouth.

We all have lies tucked
under our tongue
like the pills of a stubborn
mental patient.

My spine shivers
with the fact
you probably moaned
in her ear like
you do mine
and I feel needles
***** my skin
as I think of you
saying I'm no longer
needed.
But the way you
pushed me against
a brick wall, and
balled your hand in
my hair and held
me like I was
the only safety you had
during a hurricane
had me a bit dizzy.

You didn't know what
you were doing without
me, and then wished
you had never talked
to me.

But the way you
smirked as I moaned
your name
and the way you
inched your way
through my brick walls
has me obsessed
with you again.

You're a dark knight
and your armour
doesn't exist.
The only protection
you have is your
******* attitude.

I once said your
eyes were lassos
around my waist
and I never realized
how true that was.

Because it doesn't
matter what you do.
For some reason I
keep going back to you.