You know what yes
I DO miss you
I miss our inside jokes
I miss laughing so hard I can’t breathe at the back table
I miss passing coded notes
Getting in trouble together
Playing the cup song in health class
Laughing at funny quotes on your phone
I miss accidentally breaking your whiteout
I miss texting every night way too late
I miss being able to trust you with any secret
I miss how you would never say an unkind word to me
I miss how we really truly believed our friendship was forever
I miss your dumb owl jewelry
I miss you always having to borrow money from me
I miss you always trying to convince me to put my hair up in a bun
I miss ordering the same Starbucks drink as you
I miss calling each other sisters
I miss YOU
But you died
I have already mourned your loss
I have grieved for your death
I still feel pangs of sorrow on lonely nights for you back when you were alive
But at some point
After a death
You need to move on with your life
It is just hard because there is this ***** with a capital B
The one who killed you
Who walks around ******* up everyone’s life under your name
She looks exactly like you and murdered you
Then decided to be a f!cking *****
She shattered us
She BROKE our sisterly bond of friendship
She pushed us away
Bit by bit isolating herself from us
We still thought it was you at first
We didn’t realize this horrible soulless ***** had replaced you
Because she looked exactly like you
Now I loathe f!cking owl jewelry
She sleeps in your bed every night
And no one else knows that you were killed by a ***** who took your place
I miss the old you
I really do
And sometimes I hear songs that remind me of You
And I cry
I’ve cried 6 different times in the last 7 days listening to a song that reminds me of you
But this murderous ***** who killed you
And goes by your name
And shattered me
SHE is not the same person as you
And I loathe her
I feel no love or attachment to that cold-blooded girl
I want to electrocute her
and light her on fire
and skin her alive
and cut off her limbs one by one
and then her head and display it on a pike
for killing you
and damaging me and those I love
I don’t miss her
I miss you
You are two different people who just happen to have both occupied the same body at different times
And go by the same name
You can’t come back from the dead
It has been over a year
I miss you badly
And I hate her horribly
But you died a long, long time ago.

Repost if you can relate at all.
Sorry for the violent bit, I just love very deeply as well as loathe very deeply and I am way too bloodily-minded... sorry....

I have this chain around me
my hands are tied together
I cannot move so freely

I have this chain around me
my mouth is encrusted with power
I cannot shout so loud

I have this chain around me
my ears are full of order
I cannot hear so clear

I have these chains around me
so tight, so heavy
I cannot breathe so fully



(samber)

You name: Austin.
To you the definition of Austin is your title. What people call you. It has come to signify the person you are to yourself.
To Her, however (and I capitalize “Her” because important things should always be capitalized and someone who loves you as deeply as she does certainly deserves capitalization at the very least)
To Her “Austin” has a different definition.
To Her Austin means: A good person who respects Her.
Do you understand the rareness of that trait?
In today’s world a good person who even knows the word respect is unheard of.
And yet here you are.
And it is so magnificent
Just know this:
That makes YOU magnificent
Because She can honestly say
You respect her
In this world where values are built on the idea of: “Take what you can, the wholesome decent people will walk away empty handed”
For you to boldly brush aside all of that
And bravely live by honor and respect
It is admirable and it makes you a wonderful person
It is a feat far greater than any man who spends a thousand hours with his loved one
And does not respect Her
To Her Austin means: A smile brighter than the glistening starlight. The  type who can make anybody laugh no matter what the circumstances
A smile that she loves to see, that just makes her happy to lay eyes on.
That is so phenomenal that you possess such an ability to practically display sunshine with a simple grin. For your smile to make Her happy. To be something She loves about you.
You are so, so deserving of her love because you have been gifted with a very unique talent
It is extraordinarily uncommon
To be able to heal people
Through the beautiful thing we call laughter
You can make anybody laugh
And humor is not just a hobby or something to keep television interesting
It is an exquisite
Lovely thing
Somedays, people are in times or frames of mind
Where logic and reason can’t fight the emotions they are having
And surely, many times
It has been incredible, incredible YOU
That saved them from their own thoughts
Without you even knowing what a difference you have made
With your splendid gift
Of humor.
Humor is a spiritual healer and that is what you are
A spiritual healer
No wonder She loves you so much
To Her, Austin means: Someone who loves Her and who She loves endlessly
Look at the beautiful, beautiful soul of the woman who loves you
Look at Her and smile that smile She loves so much
Because She looks at you
And sees a brilliance you could never begin to understand
Yet somehow She sees it in you
And you are so, so worthy of Her love
Because love is one of those things
Not measured in time
Or minutes spent physically near each other
In fact
Love has nothing to do with physicality at all
Your bodies may not be near each other’s everyday
Maybe you don’t hold her hands in yours every second
But your heart and Hers are intertwined
You love one another
Love cannot be severed by the sharpest blade
Or poisoned by the most lethal of all venoms
Love defies all physicality
Nothing tangible can destroy it
So never ever compare your worthiness of Her love to the amount of moments you spend
Physically close to each other
It is your souls being close to each other
That makes your bond of love so unbreakable
So beautifully unbreakable
Even if your days are flooded
With work and hours buzzing with business
You FIND time you MAKE time to text Her
And that is such a marvelous sacrifice
Such a charming thing to do
So worthy of love
The fact that you CARE
Because in those moments that you DO talk
Over text messages, face to face or over the phone
A little eternity passes
And you may not be able to give Her all of your time
But to give Her your tiny eternities in between work and life’s prior commitments
Makes you so worthy of Her love
You need to see how deeply and endlessly She loves you
How your name carries thousands of definitions for Her
In Six little letters: Austin
Has come to mean so, so much to Her
Because you don’t need to give Her all of your time
You just need to give Her all of your soul and heart
And you do
So please smile your wonderful smile
Let your wonderful soul shine
Know that you are so precious and special to this one woman
Who has eyes only for you
Because you are WORTH it
And know that you are every color and shape of wonderful
To Her
:)

You know what?

I genuinely believe that I am unlovable.

Not even in the self-pitying way, I just have thought about it and I really think that no one could ever truly love me.

I have too many flaws that get in the way.

If I am imperfect then I can't be perfect enough for them

If I am perfect then I am not the quirky beautifully rare girl they want

I am too violent and weird

I am too hateful and grudging

And the worst part is

I don't even WANT to stop being violent and weird or hateful or grudging

I wish someone would love me for it

because I love those who are deadly loyal, absurd, not afraid of a little violence (not abusive, just to be clear. I do not support that) those who hate things because the more passionately they hate, the more passionately they love as well. And someone who holds a grudge actually cares about things. I would love a boy who was all those things but no guy wants a girl who can't let go of things and spends all her time muttering to herself about how worthless and ugly she is because that has become my hobby I don't even realize I am doing it sometimes.

I just don't think anyone could ever really truly fall in love with me.

That makes me kind of sad I guess... :(

You kissed him with my lips,
Those lips I thought were mine,
I felt his breath,
His dew pressed
Upon our mouths for a time,

In your eyes I see the want
For me, for you, for us
Yet what you crave,
I have given,
This harvest has no wine

Your kisses, remain unbound,
Ghosts obscured my view
In our haste we lost ourselves
Thieves together two,

I stole from you as you did from me
Still we remain never complete,
Only us,
Transiently

Ink drops black, my soul infecting
Into water invading purity
Foreign substance contradicting
Clarity clouding, dark arching tentacles
Swirling about, twirling twisting
Depictions tempting
Hanging
In grotesque formation
Beautiful in their horror
Entrancing in their mingling

Each drop fresh transgression
My life’s cup growing darker
Liquid limbs of the ****** flailing
A dance of warning—that
I should become one of them if not
To filter disease of this breath

Faces
Fluid forming in inky swirl
Screaming, crying my name
Those here before me
Warning of my impending damnation
Singing anguish
Their tears impotent to cleanse
The stain that is my life

To undo that so long ago done
A power to remove the tint of my soul
Considered endlessly
If there be a time too late for
Men whose lives were spent foolishly
Their warning unheeded
Threat becoming promise pending
Hope’s defeat
A threat of doused despair

Favour despite nightmare’s creeping
An infant born
Filling cup further though
Not with night but with love
Salvation’s sacrifice
Understood, seen in the tiny smile
Of a child

In one-to-one with silence
there is an unknown language
which does the talking
otherwise drowned
in everyday languages
not the mind
but the soul does the talking
a vortex which pulls you in
towards the you, within
unknown for a long time
the one that lived, neglected
let silence prevail
as there is so much potential
to be in touch
with the world within
which needs devotion
a prayer, in silence
bring you back to yourself

Okay.
Sure.
Play victim.
Play with drugs, cigarettes and alcohol before you can even legally drive.
Play with knives and fire.
Play with all those things you swore you never would.
Play with the bad kids.
Play unloved.
Play overdramatic.
Play this game you love so well.

...because no matter how good you are at it sooner or later you are going to lose.

I can't wait, I hope I'm there when you do.
Because you wrecked me.
And I am STILL healing.
The scars on my wrists
are all your fault
the reason I sometimes can't eat more
than a yogurt and half an orange for lunch
is because of YOU
the reason I hate myself
the reason my mother can't trust me around blades anymore
the reason my mother cried for so many nights
because you broke her
you broke me
you SHATTERED my friends
and loved ones
you triggered her
you led to her eating problems
you contributed to the slits on her arms
the scars are STILL THERE
you made us genuinely want to **** ourselves
and HER
the one who was so strong she never drew blood
you even drove her to trying to with a pushpin
a f!cking pushpin
thanks to you!
we used car keys when we got desperate
scissor blades
safety pins
needles
construction paper edges
nailclippers
the ends of wires
circle makers
the backings of earrings
so many more things
sitting alone
you turned everyone against us
everyone
all of our friends
the whole school
our families
EVERYONE
you wrecked EVERYTHING
you killed us.
made us want to **** ourselves
now I just want to **** YOU

so go ahead
PLAY.