lavender lilies deceive
for it was merely the color i was sent to retrieve
instead i come up with lilacs, at least i do believe
holding onto the wrong shade of purple while i grieve
but then again, we've been through this before, i am naive

blue skies mystify
wandering innocent eyes
in our youth we hid in simple spots
proving quite unwise
wrapped in disguise, we had to shield our unwanted sapphire cries

green blades rest in your gentle hands
as we've grown old enough to resist parental commands
sharing cold cans, i send a kiss in your direction, confident in wherever it lands
we laugh, and soon enough, my favorite toy had become your delicate blonde strands

red love sears on my skin
burns that leave joyous scars thin
but at any moment an obnoxious grin
can quickly turn to "where have you been?"
i buried those bad days with glasses of gin
but even through hard times i knew if i had you, i could win

but one day under a yellow sun
disheveled doctors told me there was nothing that they could've done
your days were limited, and i cried every last one
i lost my appetite and only craved the metal of a gun
but i knew that your favorite flower would help me outrun
these demons who weight on my vulnerable shoulders in tons

so a lavender lily i sought out to explore
but instead i found a lilac, in the valley near the foam of the shore
reminding me you were never just one thing, but so much more
so let these petals sum up what this poem speaks for
all the colors i saw in your,
heart

we often forget that suffering
is not mutually exclusive.
it feels like looking at a star
and not seeing the sky.

i'm not looking for your pity.
i just want to you acknowledge
that you are not the sun.
the earth doesn't orbit you.

maybe you're hurting.
don't forget: i can hurt too.

~

Off in a cabin set deep in the woods
Next to a lake where the fishing does thrive
The opposite shore is another the same
Someone is there, there’s a car in the drive

I hope they are quiet and keep to themselves
I really needed this time for so long
There is some movement, the door opens up
Wow, she is gorgeous, maybe I am wrong  

Off in a cabin set deep in the woods
Where the deer and the squirrels do roam
Across a small lake, a cabin like mine
It appears there is somebody home

A man stands ashore with his hand to his eyes
Squinting, the sun is so bright
He's looking my way, so I give him a wave
I'm glad I won't be alone here tonight

I think she is waving, yes, I’m sure she is
A nice fishing pole in her hand
I start waving back with a smile on my face
This was not part of my plan

That is a problem, I have to admit
I planned this alone, that is true
But here in the woods with a beautiful girl
And it seems that she likes fishing too

Smiling real big, he hops in his boat
Making his way to my side
"Hi there" he says, "he's so handsome" I think
"I'm going fishing, would you like a ride?"

I’d love to of course but I’ve just now arrived
“Would you like to come in for a while?
I just need to unpack and have a quick bite”
“Let me help you” he offers with a smile

I gather her bag from out of the car
And set it just inside the door
The fishing can wait, we’ve plenty of time
There’s something else now to explore

She’s wearing shorts and a light emerald T
And green Converse All-Stars that match
I never thought as I drove up today
Something this perfect I’d catch

I think he looks a bit familiar,
Is it possible that he might be
The same boy I kissed that summer
When I turned seventeen

I turn to unpack my groceries
Not over thinking things much
When the tap on my shoulder startles me
I jump in his arms, and our lips gently touch  

I really didn’t mean to frighten her
But it was so cute to hear her yelp
And her lips, I think I have felt them before
“Just wondering if I can help?”

She hasn’t let go and neither have I
I stare in her gorgeous brown eyes
And then I remember that time long ago
It’s her, I just realized

He recognizes me now, what does he think
I can feel my face start to blush
I hold onto him still, it feels good in his arms
I could leave but there's no need to rush

The chemistry is there, after all these years
I want to be alone with him here so much
He's grown tall and handsome, into a man
Now I'm dreaming of kisses and such

I never imagined I’d see her again
And definitely not in this way
But now that I have her right here in my arms
I’m thinking right here I will stay

I kiss her again and she doesn’t pull back
It’s much more than I could be wishing
It lasts for a while and that’s okay with me
Who cares if we ever go fishing?

i want to tell you the truth  
everything hurts, my organs
are  filled with black rocks and
i can't write poetry without gaining
weight, sometimes i wake up
in the middle of the night trying
to convince myself that i'm still alive
i’ve stopped eating anything but
apples and your pastel pink tongue
i want to tell you the truth
that my heart is a collection of
boys who  didn’t ask for my name
only whispered words like beautiful
into my neck, only painted words
like obsession  on my spine
i want to tell you the truth
when i cross the streets i close my
eyes and the thought of dying
doesn't make me cry anymore
i want to tell you the truth
last friday i got so angry at you
that i nearly burned all of my
poems, i threw a plate at my door
and cleaned up the blood saturday
i want to tell you the truth
that i am made of stone, my hands
are never warm, my skin will be grey
my soul is aching because you’ve
made it empty
i want to tell you the truth
i still love you, i still care about you
but when you ask how i'm doing
i'll say that i don't know you anymore

but all you will hear is "i'm fine"

-
And it wasn’t nearly reality enough,
    So I skimmed this water of bone
Hoping that the blood beneath
    my fingers would only be temporary.

    

        But you can’t promise on broken love,
    Could you believe me when I say I’ve known.
        Lie behind your cheap lips and teeth
    Cross your heart and hope to die yet on the contrary.


Your empty threats of wishing to **** me,
    But darling I’m already dead.
You can hope on deeds of darkness but not anymore,
    It’s such a shame a poet must draw her scythe.


        So take a deep breath dear, inhale slowly,
    And don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with just a taste instead.
        I can’t help but smile as the ashes flood the floor,
    Such a beautiful way to die, letting a poet take your life.


Tonight she sleeps with the lions and like before,
    Dark as it may be she laughs when one offers her light.
“I sleep with demons roaming my skin,”
        “Beg your pardon I don’t need this pity.”


            And the truth was not a sin, she really had to pay for.
        A century of this and that really left without a fight.
    I haven’t decided on which degree of hate I let out and in,
But tell you what I digress this country and this rotten city.


    Mistake me for a witch, and how many friends will I lose?
I can hardly tell with all this nihility I now hold dear to me.
    Keeping words on chains, imprison me why not.
A bucket of silver is all I hold in my eyes.


    And keep the hounds in hell dear,
            Just let me say you are quite lovely,
    What can you teach me, what have you taught?
        Beware of the silver in the bucket child...
                      

Beware the poets eyes.
-

The blood in your veins
haunts me,
I don't know how to turn you away.

Inky comfort
I get lost in your eyes,
Worried there will come a day

When I will not be able to
walk out in time.
Haunted.

You become fantasy,
Following me through the
Raindrops that trickle into my dreams.

Your softer than you seem.
As I roll over in bed, and awaken
To empty sheets,

Infinitely torn between wanting you,
And pushing you aside,
I put out my cigarette in the ashtray,

Before I
Smolder,
Into nothing.

what you must understand is that i never get down on my knees to pray and i leave before i am left
and the mountains were on fire with those who were too tired to shed their old skin, bright flames and pretty little snakes with no shoes
don't you know Lucifer was God's favorite too?
i found a place where the water tastes like wine and the boys hide behind purple haze
a Pandora's box full of lilacs & heat
and Stella made me dizzy with her toxic classic taste but i was only trying to feel the way you did.
what you must understand is that just because we hold each other up, it doesn't mean that we're in love.
wide-eyed girls and barefoot boys playing with fire while the children laugh and cry "more, more"
he sang into the harmonica soft and sad and he has something to die for
a string of lights and an artist that no one but everyone knows
it's throwing a blood orange off the roof, pulpy innards painting the ground-
beauty of a lit cigarette, the color of destruction
fire and blood oranges
and your soft voice
tickling her ear.
it's your hands and Lucifer on my body with God whispering in my ear.
you.

Come glaze these dark serpentine walls,
With the iridescent kisses of your soul.
My heart is swimming in the calm waters
Of your insatiable mind, my love.
You blaze in the dungeons of my heart
Like a winter wind in a sweltering night
I glide in the blunt blueness of your eyes,
Lost in the translucent clouds of floating melancholy,
I freeze in the stillness of your skin.
The poised moon shies,
Its silver hides in the lining of your
Celestial body. You shine brighter
Than the infernos of passion
You ignite within me.
My limbs are mere meat for foxes and ravens,
As you caress my paralyzed psyche
With your love written in impeccable
Prose. Who are you, calling yourself a
Pariah, travelling with a million stories
Tucked inside the folds of your eye lids?
Come, dip your quill in the very depths
Of my being and weave another symphony.
And maybe, sing to me someday.

There is a certain comfort in anonymity,
The ability to disguise ourselves as no-one.
But this disguise becomes too real,
Reality and fantasy reverse:
We are no-one,
Our disguise is now the person
We once were.
There is no desperation in regaining our
Identity.
Are we too scared to be someone? To have meaning?
Willingly we discard our existence and
Replace it with nothing.
We are nothing.
Nothing.

if i could capture you with a metaphor
i'd say you were like the sea:
hidden power, tides moving with the moon.

i'd say you were like cliff diving
because i live for this temporary suicide
and the adrenaline rush halfway down.

i'd say you were like magnetism,
sparking, bending light,
drawing me in without discrimination.

i might even say that you were like a metaphor,
because they try to make sense of the impossible
and that's what you do with me.