I will write you
The real you
In a different light

I will write you
Until you root for yourself
Until you find yourself
Until you realise you deserve the things you dreamt of
Until you realise you can dream more

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

You asked
What is the scariest part?

I answer
The scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain
of emptiness

The scariest part
is the realization  
that you have lost yourself
completely
sinking in as you lay awake
at 2 AM
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even cry
because you don't even care

There are days when I don't know where I am.
When I charge ahead, heedless of others and their needs.

There are days when I don't know where I am.
When I wander thru the fog, seeking comfort or direction.

There are days when I don't know where I am.
Nor do I really care to know; I just want to heal the hurt I see.

There are days when I don't know where I am.
I laugh and I cry, never sure of my place or my role in life.

There are days.

I'm supposed to be healthy.

I work out daily,
My eating habits are normal,
I'm physically healthy,
My grades can be fixed,
My mental health is becomming better,
I'm in a loving, non-toxic relationship,
The connection to my family is alright,
I'm close with my friends.
I have a lot of hobby's and interests
I don't feel empty most of the time.

Why, Why, Do I Not Feel Okay?

I forget how to log out.... where's the button to zap it and make it go away....this is where I am weak God....I always hold on way too long past broken.  I know there's no button God but how I wish there was!

"you're so beautiful,"
i told him.
he looked away
"i'm not"
he said
"you're one of the most beautiful people i've ever met,"
i said.
"no,
i'm ugly,"
he told me
"i swear, there's something about, that's just
absolutely beautiful."
i promised.
he looked up
angry tears in his eyes
"No. You don't get it. I'm hideous,"
he yelled.
"you're so beautiful to me"
i said softly as he walked away

Our love
Is double suicide

Empty yellow legal lad lines
Computer screen blinking
Begging for a word
Better still a line
Your muse left town destination unknown
Yet the words flow like wine
Sometimes miserable
Other ones sublime
You hit delete
Play waste paper basketball
Then it falls into place
It’s grace
It moves the reader
Poet’s lament

C@rainbowchaser2019