I fall asleep and my mind wanders back to you

it wanders to places I've never been and things I ave never done, but every dream involves you

It's as if something inside is foreshadowing an adjacent future, but my mind tends to turn lies into truths, my mind thrives on false hope and fantasy.

My mind tries to make everything alright in the depths of the night, but as soon as my eyes are wide, all of the sadness creeps back inside.

and then it all repeats, the white lies start to play in  my mind, as soon as i close my eyes.

i wish i was totally numb and i could not feel
but the constant torment reminds me it is real
i'm alive
surprised i survived

i can hardly breathe
yet i still can think

everyday
i re-live the pain
my antedote is gone
i'm alone

so much...pain


why does it have to be this way?

agony, let go of me
I'm suffering
oh so slowly
i fight to take a breath
i'm so sorry ken, jordain

i'm losing my mind
running  out of time
yet i still can rhyme
make the pain stop...

Those three words that could
Bring happy tears to your eyes
Brighten up your day
Clear gray skies

You wait for those words
All your life, not just from
Your parents of course
But from that one person
You'd spend infinity with

You wait and you wait
You're growing old
You still haven't heard those
Words

But if you did hear them
It wasn't meant to be
Because they didn't stay
Oh, how lonely you are

It's okay, I love you.
I may not be that
Significant other but
I may never meet you
Or I may pass you on the
Street and wouldn't know
It's you... Just know
This wonderful stranger
Loves you no matter
Who you are.

I never know what to say when people ask me what I fear the most. Because yes, spiders are gross and weird and yes, ghosts terrify me, but how could I explain that at night instead of nightmares filled with monsters, mine are just of someone walking away? how can I say that I stay awake going over everything wrong I’ve ever done? how can I tell them that my biggest fear is me not being good enough? All my life i’ve worried too much about what people think about me, and lately i’ve gotten better at not thinking about it so much, but there is someone in my life right now that I really don’t want to lose, and I’m scared. I’m scared because I know I mess up a lot, I know that I get repetitive and boring and I ramble when I’m nervous. So how am I supposed to say that I know my constant asking for reassurance that they want me in their life gets tiresome, but it's because its hard for me to imagine that someone actually would? How do I explain that I have never loved myself enough, so the thought of anyone else loving me seems so strange? I am bad at expressing myself, I either show too much emotion or too little, and I'm scared that that's a good enough reason for someone to walk away.

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.

Cuts and gashes inflicted on me by society, I bear the marks of battle. Where flesh was torn and emotions were bled out of my veins by cruelty and spite, I bandaged the wounds and healed the places as best as I could. Now scars adorn my body, not that I was beautiful anyway. I have survived the crucible of hate and venom thrown at me and now I am stronger for it. Though some are repulsed by my appearance, my scars tell my tale. Each one was won through adversity and hard fought battles. Now I stand above the fray and I ware my scars as a coat of honor for all of the world to see.