I thought you didn't like smokers
You stopped me everytime I started
I always understood why you did though
You hated the lingering scent of burnt cancer
You despised the fact I smelled like your father
When I went up close to kiss your cheeks
You didn't want me to leave you
Because you wanted to grow old with me

I stopped when you told me to
I threw packs in the garbage
I stayed away from my habit
All because I loved you
And because I didn't wanna hurt you
I couldn't bear the thought of you crying
At my bedside
As my lungs gave out
And I chose to stop turning my lungs black
So I could live longer
So I could marry you
So I could grow old with you

When he came along
I couldn't possibly think he would replace me
Even though you looked at him the way you did me
Even though I felt like a third wheel
Even though you talked about him to me
With hearts in your eyes
Mainly because he smoked
But he did replace me

What was the point of everything you told me?

When I first saw you,
You took my breath away
You showered me with affection
And kind words
Things I was never used to

You held me
You kissed me
You made me feel fearless
Like the whole world was my oyster
You made me feel loved

You told me you loved me
Over and over
A kiss for each time you did
And you held my hand all the way through

Now when I see you,
The anxiety you give me takes my breath away
You shower me with death glares
And venomous words
Things that I was never used to with you

You stare in anger
You stare in hatred
You make me feel worthless
Like the whole world is closing in
You make me feel betrayed

You give me excuses
Over and over
A hiss each time you do
And you scream all the way through

It has been dark
It has been very dark
And I thought
That maybe
It was the end
For me

How was I going to go on?
I wondered
You were the brightest light
That my eyes had ever seen
And I followed you
Until you blinded me

I walked on and on
Not knowing the path
That I was going down
So I looked up
Even if the rays
Of your intensity
Still burned my irides

The stars were out

Was I ever enough?

It's just that I never felt
Like I was enough,
But you always told me I was
There was so much
That I gave
And I gave despite
My empty pockets
Or my depression
Or my lack of time
I gave all I could get my hands on
And you told me it was more than enough
And that I never had to do more

I couldn't ever give you the world,
But I tried so much to do it
I was giving you bits and pieces
So one day you would have been able to take them
And put them together to see it
I only did that because
It was all I could afford
And I would have given it in its entirety
If only I had the chance

I tried
I tried
I really tried
Believe me

I wanted to give you the universe
From the grains of sand
Which you hate so much
To the stars in the sky
That I have never seen
But you couldn't wait, darling

And when you got sick of me,
You told me I was never enough
You told me I never did enough
You made me feel
Like the world I was trying to give
Was just a moon
Compared to the vastness
Of the universe that was you

Darling, I have another question:
Did you ever love me the way I loved you?

here i am again
grasping at strings
longing for
nicotine
and
alcohol

asking myself
questions i can't answer
i don't know if i want answers
maybe i just want to ask questions

i'm longing for you
**** the nicotine and alcohol
i don't want an addiction
i just want to be calm
and look into your eyes
and sincerely tell you
that i love you

Why now?
Why now?
Why now?

I needed you the most right now
I needed your love
I needed your warmth
I needed to hear your voice
(but not in the way I did last night)

I wanted you to hold me
And tell me that everything
Would be fine
So that I could stop crying myself to sleep

I've cried myself to sleep
For the past four days
And I didn't want to tell you
Because I didn't want to bring you down

Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me I wasn't enough?

I want to be enough for you
You always told me I was more than enough
You always did
Apparently I'm not

I want to run my hand down your back
And feel your smoothness across the ridges of my fingertips
Once more

The smell of your hair lingers in the spaces between my fingers
The ends of each strand brushing my skin still haunts my forearms

My hips feel like your thighs are still there,
My spine still feels your ankles interlocked,
My tongue still remembers how yours tasted,
My teeth still feel your bottom lip in between

In your voice, I heard the angels of heaven sing;
And in your eyes, I saw its shining gates;
And in your eyes, I saw burning passion;
And in your eyes, I saw true love

The phases of matter all turn into one
When her lips touch mine
It burns like a thousand supernovas
And freezes like the vaccuum of space

The stars spill bright light through the invisble river
That holds no air in the darkness

The cheek of her face brushing mine
Fills me with the feeling
Of my heart when I see crescent moons

I can't wait to float away
Into the bright swirling stars
In the distance
With nobody but you

And maybe when we do that
We'll feel the stars pull us back
Like on starships

Maybe she sees
Gentle rays of the sun
Glimmer from my face
Just like how I see her:
The light in the darkness
Of life's obscure fog

I wonder if she feels
The warm summer breeze
That would slowly blow
Upon her soft cheeks
Whenever I speak
The same breeze I feel
When she tells me
Nothings and somethings

I hope she feels
The slight glow
Of white moonlight
When my arms wrap around her
The very same glow
Whenever her arms
Lock themselves behind me
Sending me a message
To never let her go

I wish she forgets seeing
The heavy rains
That flood the roads on my face
Whenever I asked
If I were enough for her
Or if I were too much to handle

I wish she understands
The cyclones in my head
That clap thunder and flash lightning
Whenever the anger in me
Boils the chaotic saltwater
And creates tsunamis
In the vast ocean of my mind

I wish she forgives me
For the hailstorms in my words
That fall to the ground
And break like glass shards
That shatter windows and roofs
And car windshields and windows

I am a force of nature

Am I enough?

It's just that I never feel
Like I'm enough
It's like there's so much more
That I can do
But can't
Because of
My empty pockets
Or my bursts of depression
Or my rage toward the past
Or whatever else

I'm sorry if I can't give you the world in itself
At this very moment,
But I'm giving you bits and pieces
So that one day you'll be able to take them
And put them together to see it

I'm trying
I'm trying
I really am trying
Believe me

I want to give you the universe
From the grains of sand
Which you hate so much
To the stars in the sky
That I have never seen
Just you wait, my love

The way she smiled
At the sight of
Pretty glass bottles
And things like honey
Always amused me

She sees so much good in this world
And she is slowly teaching me how to

To be honest,
I was always quite scared
At the thought of meeting you.
Blood used to rush through my body
Whenever I thought of breathing the same air
In the same room as you.

I'm glad you pushed me to come
Because you gave the bitter, black coffee
A few tablespoons of sugar.

I'm waiting for my tea to arrive in this hotel lobby.
The slow piano music playing in the background
Is more familiar than it should be.

I should be calm, but all of the couples around me
Are exchanging sweet nothings and sweeter kisses
And it makes me jealous
Because I wish you were here
So we could do the same.

Tea is here, love.