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 Aug 2020
chris
you who abandoned me here
your feet will pain you before you've gone even ten steps
 Aug 2020
fdg
staying up late to feel my teeth crumble under the sugar in this wine
watching scary things on the television wondering why in the dark, I think the shadows might be out to get me.
I dont know what I think they are or why they scare me. Do they even scare me?
Left unfinished, playing in the background, the scary tv shows become my night light so i dont have to think about the shadows in the dark
 Aug 2020
chris
Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.
I don’t know who I am.  I wish someone would just take over me.  Maybe change things for the better.  Or maybe I have to end me for someone to live better.  I know nothing
 Jul 2020
Aer
it was flashes of light
rebounding off of the various mirrors
blinding me, and making me reach towards you.
you were a tall sunflower,
guiding me through the messy roads
mixing your bright pigment with my navy blue
and creating a safe harbour—
a world of colour I never knew.
and we were together in harmony
 Jul 2020
rk
my lips have known yours
in every lifetime
and now i know for certain
that the universe
will always
bring me back
to y o u.
- you are worth the wait in every eternity.
 Jul 2020
basil
i don't stand where i'm meant to
but my posture is impeccable
i am

07.26.2020
 Jul 2020
Victor Hugo
La conscience humaine est morte ; dans l'orgie,
Sur elle il s'accroupit ; ce cadavre lui plaît ;
Par moments, ***, vainqueur, la prunelle rougie,
Il se retourne et donne à la morte un soufflet.

La prostitution du juge est la ressource.
Les prêtres font frémir l'honnête homme éperdu ;
Dans le champ du potier ils déterrent la bourse ;
Sibour revend le Dieu que Judas a vendu.

Ils disent : - César règne, et le Dieu des armées
L'a fait son élu. Peuple, obéis, tu le dois ! -
Pendant qu'ils vont chantant, tenant leurs mains fermées,
On voit le sequin d'or qui passe entre leurs doigts.

Oh ! tant qu'on le verra trôner, ce gueux, ce prince,
Par le pape béni, monarque malandrin,
Dans une main le sceptre et dans l'autre la pince,
Charlemagne taillé par Satan dans Mandrin ;

Tant qu'il se vautrera, broyant dans ses mâchoires
Le serment, la vertu, l'honneur religieux,
Ivre, affreux, vomissant sa honte sur nos gloires ;
Tant qu'on verra cela sous le soleil des cieux ;

Quand même grandirait l'abjection publique
À ce point d'adorer l'exécrable trompeur ;
Quand même l'Angleterre et même l'Amérique
Diraient à l'exilé : - Va-t'en ! nous avons peur !

Quand même nous serions comme la feuille morte ;
Quand, pour plaire à César, on nous renierait tous ;
Quand le proscrit devrait s'enfuir de porte en porte,
Aux hommes déchiré comme un haillon aux clous ;

Quand le désert, où Dieu contre l'homme proteste
Bannirait les bannis, chasserait les chassés ;
Quand même, infâme aussi, lâche comme le reste,
Le tombeau jetterait dehors les trépassés ;

Je ne fléchirai pas ! Sans plainte dans la bouche,
Calme, le deuil au cœur, dédaignant le troupeau,
Je vous embrasserai dans mon exil farouche,
Patrie, ô mon autel ! Liberté, mon drapeau !

Mes nobles compagnons, je garde votre culte
Bannis, la république est là qui nous unit.
J'attacherai la gloire à tout ce qu'on insulte
Je jetterai l'opprobre à tout ce qu'on bénit !

Je serai, sous le sac de cendre qui me couvre,
La voix qui dit : malheur ! la bouche qui dit : non !
Tandis que tes valets te montreront ton Louvre,
Moi, je te montrerai, César, ton cabanon.

Devant les trahisons et les têtes courbées,
Je croiserai les bras, indigné, mais serein.
Sombre fidélité pour les choses tombées,
Sois ma force et ma joie et mon pilier d'airain !

Oui, tant qu'il sera là, qu'on cède ou qu'on persiste,
Ô France ! France aimée et qu'on pleure toujours,
Je ne reverrai pas ta terre douce et triste,
Tombeau de mes aïeux et nid de mes amours !

Je ne reverrai pas ta rive qui nous tente,
France ! hors le devoir, hélas ! j'oublierai tout.
Parmi les éprouvés je planterai ma tente.
Je resterai proscrit, voulant rester debout.

J'accepte l'âpre exil, n'eût-il ni fin ni terme,
Sans chercher à savoir et sans considérer
Si quelqu'un a plié qu'on aurait cru plus ferme,
Et si plusieurs s'en vont qui devraient demeurer.

Si l'on n'est plus que mille, eh bien, j'en suis ! Si même
Ils ne sont plus que cent, je brave encor Sylla ;
S'il en demeure dix, je serai le dixième ;
Et s'il n'en reste qu'un, je serai celui-là !

Jersey, le 2 décembre 1852.
 Jul 2020
a m a n d a
is to be
the experience
of |something| else
humanity is an e x p e r i e n c e
    not an thing.
 Jul 2020
LittleFreeBird
I

am

bottomless


this gaping
maw

place my heart
vacated

I am
devoid

and resonance has
deserted me

this is a lonely
place to be




inside myself


.
 Jul 2020
Arcassin B
By Arcassin B

Stupid to believe that everything will be alright,
stupid to believe that our people will stand and fight,
stupid to believe that the state will get better,
stupid I believe the most high carrie's us through weathers,
but whatever forget what my belief system is,
you don't have to tell me that I'm crazy or tell me
that I didn't pass high school just to show that whatever that
I tell you is a conspiracy,
even if i was a scholar you wouldn't believe in me,
I remember days where I didn't believe anything,
not the end of the world,
still don't believe in good love and wedding rings,
I believe in manifesting things,
so while you sit there collect depressing thoughts,
I let my mind sing,
my third eye ain't awake , I don't see nothing,
I'm probably blind like the rest, over nothing.




©abpoetry2020
http://arcassin.blogspot.com/2020/07/i-dont-see-nothing.html
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