The brightest part of a shadow is in the center
Science tells us
that the light dances and refracts
and hugs the curves
What our truths tell us should be darkness
proves us wrong

I know your heart
How you close yourself
to people
to experiences
But your resistance is still broken
by your light
What your truths tell us should be darkness
proves us wrong
The brightest part of a shadow is in the center

i can no longer distinguish pain from pleasure;
abuse from affection; contusions from caresses.
embraces could be delivered in tightly-clenched fists;
words of affirmation in abasement; trust in forced hands.
i can't tell the difference between love and hurt;
dark bruises and soft kisses; belittlement and support.

all i am familiar with now is the aftermath -
the tears, the marks, the aches;
hot showers soothing stinging skin, shaky knees and trembling hands;
the nauseating guilt; encapsulating, overwhelming fear

and the sickening inability to just walk away.

so we wait now
resting our shoulders on hotel pillowcases
water dripping slowly from a shower head
you read a book about echoed mountains
and I wait because I love you.
I keep coming back to a moment
something about you in tears
crying over a fight with Dad
and I keep picturing you like that.
You're quiet now
waiting to be lost again
waiting to be in a moment without us
there is a pain you have
that no one can compete with.
And I remember now
why I saw you in tears
I can't be enough
and I'm sorry.

The last time she said "I love you"
there was silence.

He said nothing.

And with the nothing he said, her world came tumbling down even further than it had already been.
He manipulated her,
He used her,
He disrespected her,
He belittled her.

He hurt her time and time again, but she was so in love with the idea of love that she kept coming back for more.
She didn't care that he didn't care about her.
She craved his touch, she craved his affection, and she would get it.
Only to be pushed away one final time, and realize love wasn't all it was made out to be.

The last time she said "I love you"
the silence broke her.

No wonder she's afraid of saying it to you.

Despite the heart which is froze
Hatred runs fluidly
Like the water in shattered glass
Like the blood in broken bones
Like the flames in our homes    
This hatred
It speaks to me
Like drugs to an addict

When it tells me to shoot
                                         I relapse and
                                       aim for the sky

I said..
In spite of my own humility
Hatred runs deeply
Like the roots beneath the dirt
Like the pain beyond the hurt
Like this poem before your eyes

I despise 
                Way too many lies
                And so little truth  

I said..
I hate beautiful  
It cripples me deeply  
For you are my pity
My pain and their pleasure

When I am high
                           I'll collapse and fall
                        Far from this place
                        Of rotten bliss

I said..
Look at me        
Blood misrepresents me    
For I am cut differently
This pain isn't felt
Like the emptiness
Residing in your cup
It is felt
Like a toxic
Living inside the gut
Like these words
Traveling directly
Towards the stomach

I mean..
             Although this addiction kills me
           Hatred is also the remedy
          It is all I need to truly appreciate
          The little love I have left.