If I could tell you the truth id tell you I think about how your mouth would feel against my body.
If I could tell you the truth id tell you I imagine it'd feel like everything I've been missing.

Some days you win and other days you chalk up to a good try.
I've gotten so good at pushing thru the hard times that it takes me a minute to remember the last time it was good
I keep telling myself just get thru this day this week even just this moment.
Hold your breath and hold it tight
Count to 10 three times and exhale
Visualize lifting the house off your chest and breathing deeply
Silence your erratic heartbeat
Count the ticks of the ceiling fan and concentrate solely on that sound.
Close your eyes and don't imagine his lips
Imagine the wind blowing thru an open field on a summer morning.
Press your hand against the coolness of the wall
Just keep breathing.
I am bearing too much weight
I cannot support myself and the world on shoulders that crumble and shake with tears when I am alone
I am breaking inside and I can't catch a break
The desire to flee grows stronger as the moments pass
As I convince myself it's not a bad life it's just a bad day but how many times can I tell myself that before it is no longer a consolation
I'm working towards getting a better day I am not sitting around knitting socks for my tired feet. I am putting one foot in front the other, I am plastering one more smile in place, I am saying "yes, of course. That's fine. No problem" when inside I'm screaming
It's too much and I cannot find a reprieve

Night lights
Casting light in the shadows
Minimizing the hiding places for monsters and negative thoughts
Providing a false sense of security
As though if I could see the danger coming, I could protect myself from it
Weather it was monsters or hearing that voice inside my head telling me I'm not quite good enough.
Did you protect yourself?
Did you learn how it felt before you dreamed a reality that left you of short of breath on the edge of falling into the abyss?
As though the monster had ****** up all the air in the room and was holding it captive just out of reach
Just far enough where you are not brave enough to walk
Did you ever wake up from the terror thankful for it to be over just to realize as the second passed that the monster still held you in his grips?
Hand pressed over your throat, stifling your screams dragging you back in, as your fingertips bleed from scraping at air, trying to pull away
Waking up, scarce of breath, trembling like the knees of a girl who is fragile and weak, begging for a rush of air
Did his face pressed against yours and his hands caressing your skin vanquish the monster and fill your lungs?
Did he make you feel safe?
As the nights drag on and the night light persists when will enough be enough
When will the darkness envelope me in comfort instead of anxiety
Will it always be a constant battle of needing sleep but not wanting to dream?
Childhood covered in night terrors and sweat.
My Fears took root in the darkness, thriving on my constant thoughts and well wishes.
Soaking up my confidence and using it as a weapon
I am not scared of sleep I am scared of what hides in my mind as I drift off.
What new version of hell could my mind construct
Night lights make waking up less of a mental battle.
Night lights help make me realize that the fear and danger is no match for reality
Night lights help pull me out of the abyss and bring me back to you.
But if I believed that light always conquered dark then wouldn't the dreams have stopped?

Your like that morning cigarette with your coffee
Not exactly needed but welcomed. Enjoyed. The best part of waking up.
The caffeine hits me as the smoke tears into my lungs
I breathe deeper
You not being here is like one without the other.
Still bearable just not as noteworthy


You to me are comfortable.
Like a pair of shoes that fit your feet just right, as though you are barefoot and every step is floating.

You to me are sunshiny days and long walks around town.
Warm and gentle. Like the way you kiss me after staring for a second to long.

I didn't want the romance or the attachments.
I didn't want the emotions and the heartache after.
Smart enough to know it'd happen
Stupid enough to plunge in
Headfirst. Off the tall diving board that engulfs the smaller ones in shadow's.
sinking to the bottom I gathered my exploding thoughts.
I jotted them down in the notebook that is my mind
It is there that I soften the edges of what I want to say. It is there that I make it tangible for others. It is there were I make it less corse, less bitter, less angry as to not upset you. It is there that I mold what I need to say into something you may be more receptive of. It is there that I silence the fear and ignore the doubt. It's there that I try and take the emotion out of it. But it pours from my words like the heaviest of rain clouds.
The emotion leaks out like the first few drops of a monsoon storm.
Wild and erratic. Completely out of place.
But it's when the onslaught of rain comes that you realize just what you are in for.
Sheets of rain come down impeding on your vision
Like the tears that fell from your eyes, clouding your sight as you rubbed the sadness away
I didn't think it'd hurt this much.