I am a rose garden, planted on the deepest of fault lines.
I am full of soft petals protected by sharp thorns.
I am radiantly dark and twisted like a tornado. Ripping up everything in sight just to settle to a dull breeze and a light drizzle of rain
I am a wild fire and you are a room that yields no air.
Suffocating me. Draining me of my power
You are slowly killing me.
I am sorry for the way the words came out of my mouth.
Full of bitterness and agony.
I am sorry for the way they burned your skin as they fell into your ear.
I am sorry for the way they made your face crumble and eyes weep.
I am sorry for the way I rejoiced in the sorrow etched into the lines on your face
I am sorry I took joy in seeing the torment as my words took root
I am sorry that this is who I am after years of despair and turmoil
I am sorry that this is exactly what you deserve.
In all honesty, I'm not sorry at all.
Piercing your throat as you force them down
Feeling them rot in your stomach as the bile builds.
Fish hooks through your larynx, stabbing holes in your voice as it comes out as a whisper
Even though you felt like you were yelling
Even though you felt like you were fighting to get those words out
A whisper of a complaint against the tension in your chest masked as insecurities and doubt
This is what my anxiety feels like
It feels like I'm constantly fighting myself
It's as though I require pep talks and prizes for doing the daily essentials of living
I need to shower but i fight it worse than I fight sleep
I want to nap
Wake up and take a nap to recoup from taking a nap
My bed is welcoming and my sadness needs a refuge.
I hide under the covers and I bring along anxiety so it doesn't feel left out
I wouldn't be complete if they didn't want to fly hand in hand.
My depression compliments my anxiety
Three days without showering. Five days without brushing her hair. That's a new record.
The hair was all you replied anxiety. I'm just here to make sure she feels like she's drowning before the water hits her shoulders.
My arms are made of up all my forgotten dreams
And my legs are weighed down my parents disappointment
Lifting myself off the couch is easy
So easy I don't want to do
It'd be an easy feat
If it were easy it wouldn't be 2am and I wouldn't be surrounded by wrappers and guilty thoughts
Just ******* hold me.
Don't kiss me like I'm pretty.
Don't run your hands up my thigh like you have to touch me
Don't stare at me until my skin is ablaze and I lose all willpower.
Don't even ******* hold me
I hold myself
I put the pieces back
I dust myself off
I brushed my hair today.
Today was a good day.
And you tried to be what they wanted right ?
You tried to be someone they could love and cherish
You shut your mouth and you opened your legs
You cut your hair instead of the insides of your arms
You polished your nails as you polished your amour
You cut away little pieces of yourself like frayed fabric at the end of a shirt
You silenced your need for the love you showed to be reciprocated
You super glued your smile in place and you hung up your sadness next to your dreams of the future
You tried to become more of what they wanted and less of who you actually were
You built up a facade, like a trusty tree fort
You placed your heart on your nightstand and prepared yourself to recieve whatever it was he was willing to give
The bare minimum, wasted excuses and drawn out apologies.
As though you were nothing but another piece in his puzzle
You wanted to be that last piece that got lost behind the couch
Stuck into the carpet but found just when you were needed the most
You wanted something to click when he held you, you wanted to be the piece that completed his puzzle
But you were left out in the damp and the moisture curled your edges and made you soft
Not strong enough to be put in the place you were made for
So he threw you away and he trashed his puzzle for it'll never be finished.
You will never be enough for someone who isn't looking for what you have.
Say it again in case you didn't hear it
You will never be enough for someone who isn't looking for what you have
But your worth isn't dependent on his opinion
You are enough. You are whole and wild and you are enough
Your worth isn't dependent on anyone but you
Your worth is defined by how much you value yourself. How much does your piece of mind cost?
How much do you value your heart and the beats it takes after a blow that causes it to skip?
Redefine what it means to love yourself instead of wasting moments reliving the past
Put yourself first and enjoy doing it. Find a moment of pure bliss in each day you are granted
Move on but don't forget.
You are enough.
Today was the last day you'd steal from me
When you kiss me I feel it down to my bones
My breath starts out erratic and excited before you lean in
As you tantalize me with your fingertips grazing against my skin
I shudder as your knuckles brush against my jaw your finger caressing my lips
I am a waterfall, spilling over myself just trying not to sink
But I fail and as I fall I feel secure
You slid into me and I see nothing but red
Lust and desire tastes like our sweat mixed together
Your eyes are thick with emotions as you kiss my lips. Your hands tangled in my hair, pulling me closer so you can get deeper y legs tremble as they wrap around your hips. Your skin sliding over mine, your hands branding me, fire hot and rough.
You quell the ache inside me that throbs to the point of distraction
Your lips on me
Feels like sweet defeat.
Tangible sustainable fire.
You were the best I’ve ever had.
I can't hear anything but my heart thudding in my chest.
Normally I'd feel anxious, but not tonight
Tonight I welcome the silence as though it is a relative. Here for the weekend
I lay against the cool sheets on my bed and I listen to the stillness of the night
I don't miss you as much today.
Tonight I'm not wishing you were beside me
Tonight, I'm thankful for a bed as empty as my thoughts.
I thought I needed more than what I have.
But actually all I needed was the silence
Tonight the solitude feels like a blanket wrapped around my shoulders on a chilly night.
I will sink to sleep content with cool sheets and an empty bed.
Tonight was better. Tonight was not only manageable but freeing.
I don't need you
That phrase "I can't even"
It's overplayed like your favorite song blaring thru the speakers
It's unfit to describe how your feeling
But at this moment, the days that turned into weeks that turned into months, I can't even right now.
I can't even begin to explain the weight i am burdened with.
I carry it around like a wet blanket
Dampening everything it touches, leaving everything soaked in my anxiety.
I can't even describe how it feel like I have an entire universe sitting on my chest.
As tho my breaths are cut short becuase the tightness only loosened up so much
I can only breathe so deeply before I'm grasped around the throat by anxiety being told to quiet down
What does a deep breath feel like?
I am a whisper away from crumbling
And I think, maybe I can find refuge in the dust left behind by my emotional ruin
Use it as a stepping stone to rebuilding myself just a little stronger, more dependable, less likely to crack under pressure , more secure in the foundation of who I am as a person
Less of who I am now and more of what I want to be.
He took my happiness because I held it out for him like his favorite candy
I let him steal my smile and I let him take my love without asking for him to return it
Like a book you forgot to return you don't notice
Overdue and reread to the point of brittle pages and dog eared corners
I can only repeat myself so many times before I sound like a broken record
Annoying and loud skipping and skipping like stones on a lake
I gave him everything and he took and he took and he took until I was as empty as his gas tank
He filled up on my smile and he filled up on my happiness.
He just kept on taking.
He stole my confidence and he feasted on my good intentions
He took my comfort and tore at my sense of security
Quick to anger men scare me
They scare me like walking to my car alone after working late.
They scare me like I'm constantly on guard, playing defense
The anger rises in you like you rise to the occasion
I refuse to be scared into silence.
I refuse to let you control me like characters in your favorite game.
I refuse to stay.
You will not hold me captive in this sham you call love.
If I could tell you the truth id tell you I think about how your mouth would feel against my body.
If I could tell you the truth id tell you I imagine it'd feel like everything I've been missing.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't dream of you still.
You didn’t turn the pages and you refused to look past the cover
The dark overtones and jagged edges repulsed you
It wasn’t flat. It wasn’t cut and dry
You wanted simplicity and the book was anything but that
You left it laying about your house.
A landing spot for your coffee mug on your way out the door
A place to toss your keys as you dispersed your belongings around the house
This book had you taken the time to open it would’ve intrigued you
Piqued your interest
Caught your attention
Left you holding your breath as you turned the pages
Had you opened the book you’d have found exactly what you thought you had been missing
Had you opened the book you’d have been left, rivited by the last page
You’d have reread the last 4 pages over and over becuase you weren’t ready for it to end.
But instead you judged it
And the cover alone scared you
Do you realize you didn’t even get to the good part?
You missed the best parts and you aren’t even aware
How do you miss something you never had?
Do you feel the regret wafting in like a Still breeze, you don’t know what you had
Or maybe you did, maybe the cover was all you needed to see. Maybe that was enough
Maybe leaving this stone unturned, that page unread, this book unopened was exactly what you needed.
You didn’t keep the book because you knew you’d never see the words it held between its dark covers
You jammed in into the drop slot outside a library it didn’t even belong to.
Anxious to rid yourself from the feeling of impending emotions
Desperate not to feel, not to give in, not to let the middle precede the last
I wish you would’ve opened the book
Not to the first page, not even to the middle. I’d have settled for the last page.
Becuase it’s there where I finally got it together.
It’s there that I laid it all bare, a night sky open for All to see. It’s there that I sewed a piece of myself into the words. It’s there that I’d have taken your breathe away and stolen your heart.
But again, these are all just words trapped in a book you returned. unread.
Books never were your thing.
Casting light in the shadows
Minimizing the hiding places for monsters and negative thoughts
Providing a false sense of security
As though if I could see the danger coming, I could protect myself from it
Weather it was monsters or hearing that voice inside my head telling me I'm not quite good enough.
Did you protect yourself?
Did you learn how it felt before you dreamed a reality that left you of short of breath on the edge of falling into the abyss?
As though the monster had ****** up all the air in the room and was holding it captive just out of reach
Just far enough where you are not brave enough to walk
Did you ever wake up from the terror thankful for it to be over just to realize as the second passed that the monster still held you in his grips?
Hand pressed over your throat, stifling your screams dragging you back in, as your fingertips bleed from scraping at air, trying to pull away
Waking up, scarce of breath, trembling like the knees of a girl who is fragile and weak, begging for a rush of air
Did his face pressed against yours and his hands caressing your skin vanquish the monster and fill your lungs?
Did he make you feel safe?
As the nights drag on and the night light persists when will enough be enough
When will the darkness envelope me in comfort instead of anxiety
Will it always be a constant battle of needing sleep but not wanting to dream?
Childhood covered in night terrors and sweat.
My Fears took root in the darkness, thriving on my constant thoughts and well wishes.
Soaking up my confidence and using it as a weapon
I am not scared of sleep I am scared of what hides in my mind as I drift off.
What new version of hell could my mind construct
Night lights make waking up less of a mental battle.
Night lights help make me realize that the fear and danger is no match for reality
Night lights help pull me out of the abyss and bring me back to you.
But if I believed that light always conquered dark then wouldn't the dreams have stopped?
Take a shower
Wash off the day
Scrub your skin until you can't feel his hands
Stand there with your head tilted back until the water runs cold
Then stand there just a little longer
The chill from the water feels like warmth compared to the coldness in your chest
Hold your head under the water while you hold your breath
Let the water run over you just like his hands did
Unleash the tears you've held inside for the sake of the people around you
Let them cascade down your face covering the neck you leave open to attack
Take a deep breath and prepare of the inevitable destruction
Gather up the pieces, save the dust for the next time you crumble
Today is just another day. Today is weak compared to you. Today doesn't stand a chance.
Tell yourself it's going to be manageable. Repeat. Rinse and repeat once more.
You weren't supposed to take my happiness with you when you left.
Nails on the chalkboard
I'm running thru this house trying to find the culprit
It's the same octave no matter how far I run
Your palms cup my cheeks
And your eyes pierce thru the shroud of terror
It's then I realize
My mouth is open
My lips are drier than a desert during a drought
And the screams are emerging from the dust that lies in my mouth
Coating everything in a film of dirt and fear
You stroke my lips and run your hand thru my hair
You silence the screams and you destroy the fear
Instead it's my heart
Screaming not to get used to the comfort
For like a dream, it can end abruptly
Leaving you feeling confused as to what just occurred
Even when he’s beside me the nights are filled with terror
Those lips shape words that can cause a shift in you
Capable of manipulating the language into something hideous and throat splitting
Taking your secrets and fears and turning them into a monster instead of just thoughts
Could cause you pain in areas left untouched prior to coming in contact with her
Her tounge is liquid hot fire and your feelings are the tinder she uses to grow stronger
Feeding off your insecurities she barrels into you
Her tongue goes from licking gently over your lips a light caress to being a sword dismantling your courage
Cutting away Layers of your skin toughened over the years
Mom warned you against girls who boast about their flaws
Be weary of those who lay their shortcomings in fluorescent lit boxes for everyone to see she said.
They are the ones who found contentment amount the chaos
They are the ones who fought to love themselves despite being told their blemishes were too big for anyone to hold
They are the ones who hold nothing back
Fierce love on one page and emotional turmoil on the next.
Tell you exactly what she is capable of
A warning can be found within her laugh if you listen instead of just hear what she isnt saying
Her mouth says
don’t hurt me, I find joy in taking revenge for my heart”
They laugh thinking that it’s just something she says
She uses it like mortar for the bricks she adds to the walls she’s built around the things she holds sacred
Cuts deeper than canyons etched over millions of years
They reach the deepest parts of you because they echo off the walls with so much truth
Is the yin and the yang but still not enoughsar
My tongue is my greatest weapon.
Succumb to me and I'll show you what it feels like to be free
I'd have sailed across the ocean on the remains of a tin roof if it meant I could hold your hand
No sails no ore no compass just my need to touch you guiding my path
The list of things I'd have done to hold you once more is longer than my list of things I need to do
You are distance you are pain you are the anxiety that sneaks in thru the crevices and threatens to take my breath for a second longer each time
You are the weight of the world on my shoulders you are the downfall to my rise you are the broken things I put into boxes and leave on the sidewalk for the garbage men to take
Oh how I would have loved to love you oh I would have loved to show you
But I cannot love things that are broken I only have room for my brokenness
I can't hold you up for your grief is to heavy
Your drepression your anxiety your emotions were no match for mine
You don't fit into the boxes and neither do I
But I want to fit. I want to belong I want to fit so you will take me along
Break me down tear me apart take only what you adore and leave the rest
This is how I became half a woman half a smile half alive
Everyone takes what they love and leaves behind the things they don't like
There is more of me than what you see
I smile but it's empty I love but it's hallow for I am still traveling on the ocean just to touch you
I'm still missing you.
Some days you win and other days you chalk up to a good try.
I've gotten so good at pushing thru the hard times that it takes me a minute to remember the last time it was good
I keep telling myself just get thru this day this week even just this moment.
Hold your breath and hold it tight
Count to 10 three times and exhale
Visualize lifting the house off your chest and breathing deeply
Silence your erratic heartbeat
Count the ticks of the ceiling fan and concentrate solely on that sound.
Close your eyes and don't imagine his lips
Imagine the wind blowing thru an open field on a summer morning.
Press your hand against the coolness of the wall
Just keep breathing.
I am bearing too much weight
I cannot support myself and the world on shoulders that crumble and shake with tears when I am alone
I am breaking inside and I can't catch a break
The desire to flee grows stronger as the moments pass
As I convince myself it's not a bad life it's just a bad day but how many times can I tell myself that before it is no longer a consolation
I'm working towards getting a better day I am not sitting around knitting socks for my tired feet. I am putting one foot in front the other, I am plastering one more smile in place, I am saying "yes, of course. That's fine. No problem" when inside I'm screaming
It's too much and I cannot find a reprieve
Your like that morning cigarette with your coffee
Not exactly needed but welcomed. Enjoyed. The best part of waking up.
The caffeine hits me as the smoke tears into my lungs
I breathe deeper
You not being here is like one without the other.
Still bearable just not as noteworthy
You to me are comfortable.
Like a pair of shoes that fit your feet just right, as though you are barefoot and every step is floating.
You to me are sunshiny days and long walks around town.
Warm and gentle. Like the way you kiss me after staring for a second to long.
I didn't want the romance or the attachments.
I didn't want the emotions and the heartache after.
Smart enough to know it'd happen
Stupid enough to plunge in
Headfirst. Off the tall diving board that engulfs the smaller ones in shadow's.
sinking to the bottom I gathered my exploding thoughts.
I jotted them down in the notebook that is my mind
It is there that I soften the edges of what I want to say. It is there that I make it tangible for others. It is there were I make it less corse, less bitter, less angry as to not upset you. It is there that I mold what I need to say into something you may be more receptive of. It is there that I silence the fear and ignore the doubt. It's there that I try and take the emotion out of it. But it pours from my words like the heaviest of rain clouds.
The emotion leaks out like the first few drops of a monsoon storm.
Wild and erratic. Completely out of place.
But it's when the onslaught of rain comes that you realize just what you are in for.
Sheets of rain come down impeding on your vision
Like the tears that fell from your eyes, clouding your sight as you rubbed the sadness away
I didn't think it'd hurt this much.
You already know
Grasping you gently by the mouth
One hand behind your head pulling
Wet hot glass poured ever so artfully into my lungs
It cooled too quickly and froze me in place
Filling empty spaces meant to be less . . . Filled
Spaces that were okay being empty
From the tips of my toes to the inside of my nostrils I feel fire
Waves of heat swallowing me whole
Scattered heartbeats over shaky breaths I feel like the fire is the only thing holding me together
Forging itself to me we become one
My anxiety and I will never be apart
Hello old friend
— The End —