I saw the letters

that you tried to hide from me

infact... We all did.

I often find
       myself in
                situations
      where I feel
                   as if I'm running
out of time.
          
           but I've realized that I'm
only seventeen...
      
              And time is all
      I
       really
           have.

it starts out
so innocently

a nagging thought in the back of your mind
a stray Post-It Note in the files of your memory

it flutters
caught in the breeze
of a wandering mind

another flutters
and then it rips free

you grab them
not knowing
their poison

fatuglystupidfatclingyhatefulfatselfishfatdirtytoxicfatf­atfat

you ****** them away
but they've already stuck
their glue coating your dendrites

you ignore them
the best you can

but their bright colours
and sharp words
flutter so very loudly
grabbing you the way
black-and-white normalcy cannot

months later
you sit at your desk
writing and smiling
and eating and giggling

when suddenly

you hear their flutter
and see that they have woven
into a gorgeous ribbon
of self-hate and pain

it wraps around your throat
freezing the words at the tip of your tongue

coaxing the food from your stomach
the breath from your lungs

and soon
the blood from your veins

you curl into a ball
and cover your ears
but there is no escaping

the ribbons are now ropes
tied tightly around your veins
around your throat
a noose
awaiting your next careless step

finally
you step off the edge of a loving home
or
trace your veins with a razor
or
find solace in a bullet

*suicidalworthlesscrazysuicidalsuicidalsuicidal

before I run out of falling space I just wanted to tell you that it wasn't your fault.

he found her with a bottle of pills clutched tightly in white knuckled fingers
her eyes were fallen shut and he was so tempted to leave her resting peacefully, she looked so beautiful
but after a moment
(m o m e n t .)
he realized that the girl who ran though his mind, chasing butterflies each day
h a d   c o m m i t t e d   s u i c i d e .
she always spoke about how she wanted to stroke an angel's wings
to see if they were truly as soft as they merely appeared.
her limp body lay, spread out, her hair spilling over her pillow,
anyone else might have believed she was just a sleeping beauty
but he knew.
a wretched, throat-bleeding scream filled his ears, one so full of agony and heartbreak that he fell to his knees
it took him a second of agony to realize the teeth grinding screech was coming from h i s lips.