You used to smile with me

For me....

Each smile like a little ray of sunshine

Wrapped behind 32 teeth and a pair of bright brown eyes

Some smiles I took immediately

Some I kept safe. Tucked neatly in my right leg pocket.

So that when the days without you got bad
(And they often did)

And a razor would find its way from my finger tips to my thighs

I'd simply remeber your eyes

And your teeth and lips and smile

Tucked tucked safely in my right leg pocket

Above the battleground of mostly lost wars

Scars, gashes, slashes

That I've collected over the years before I met you

Now it's getting dark again

And my right leg pocket feels empty.

it's been two years since i died.
730 days since i took my own life.
and i never fell in love.
i was never kissed under the stars,
never found the place that was ours.
i never travelled to that far away paradise,
or fell asleep in his arms.
i never met her,
never saw her smile,
never made love,
never read all those books.
i didn't get my grades,
never went to festivals,
never drank too much,
never felt that pang of loss.
there is so much i never experienced.
i wish i never swallowed those pills.

Holding the telescope
Of the past...
As I journey down the
Memory lane of my life
From the day of birth
Every action seemed serene
Until a certain moment
Behaviors changed to me

...Love was not aureole...
It was cloaked and serpentine
The chords that bond
Were now blanch and vile
The rain bursted upon us
"Pain and Strife"
Withholding the harmony
Of strings and lines

Enthusiasm was totally lost
And energy restrained
Brainstorming in vain
Seeking ideas for a change
Knowing I could be the
Catalyst who will pave the way
Though the visions seemed blur
Hope drew a "Bigger Picture" with faith

Imaginations I fantasized
Of my home soon arised
Thoughts spinning through galaxies
When we finally unite
To my family, a bond
That will never divide
Even through our broken hearts
..We Will Surely Be Alright!!!...

I’m thankful for our encounter
and smooth seas
dont make good sailors,
you were a near death experience
and nothing more,
you were always a story
that was written in sand on shore
and the tide that washed you away
also dusted off my spine.

Everything we ever had was built on sand.
we were doomed to fail from the start,
But I enjoyed every minute of catastrophe I could spend with you.

it twisted
when i sat idle
hopeing off her horoscope
online, read a few
after that i do a painting
something like she’d do
little flowers smiling fruit
health veg and neon cities

it hard
when i sit back
tip ma cap down
chillin'
then wham
i slip and gotta climb out a pit
overrun with  a thousand clones of her
muddy and they’re all babbling questions
everything she ever said streams lucid
concerned 'help me’s tangle
soft 'love me’s whisper
i turn
and she asks me to leave

it easy
after a spliff
or a bottle of wine
a slice savoury unconsciousness
any bite of smoke

its wrong
that we’re going to forget this

she’s ignoring it hid round the corner
waiting till i'm gone
jumping into a river of ignorance
blaming it on being young

its
stupid
that i even give a ****

That even i care so much

tho yes
it over

but where do we leave it
somewhere we might find it?
charity shop?
the attic?
maybe she’ll give it to a friend
or she’ll paint over it and just know it was there

on her own she might trace where we drew
and shed just half a sigh
skip a heartbeat and roll back to bed
she’ll wish for that last kiss

but once you’ve killed it its dead

Even at nearly 19 years old I have a hard time grasping at the reality of death.
Yes it happens to everyone, the thief in the night who claims the old and the sick as easy prey.
But when it comes to the death of a young person, my mind can't process it. They weren't old, or sick. They were healthy and laughing, and now they cease to exist.
I still have moments where I'll pick up my phone and go to text that young person.
The one that I feel like moved across country or just doesn't come around anymore.
It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years...
And even at almost 19 I still have a hard time grasping at the reality of your death.

Every day I spend with you is a reassurance.
I've never been as sure as anything else in this world. You become more and more incredible as days together turn to months, and eventually years. You went from gorgeous to drop-dead gorgeous the first time you took my breath away, but your warming embrace brought me back to life.