This weird feeling in me.
It ******* hurts.
Why the **** cant you just leave me alone.
Im tired of crying over something
that probably meant nothing to you.
Im not even joking.
Like, what the **** just get out.
But no matter how much I hate to admit it, I want you to stay.
And because of that, my mind is just so ****** up right now.
No matter how much I try to hate you, I end up still missing you and for that this endless cycle of
hating and missing repeats itself till  god knows when.
I want it to end but yet I dont.

right between the place of being perfectly okay, stable,
and content and ripping at ever seam, loose at the hinges
you can see that the stitches are coming apart and
the heart doesn't want to beat anymore
I was born here
between the lines of need it I need you and that
wouldn't be good for me and neither are you
the space between total distance and I miss
the word baby so much that I feel achey
I want to yell and I want to scream but
my mouth is shut, I know there are reasons why I'm here
whether it be bad karma or the way the world turns and
if there isn't then **** whatever card I drew out of the deck
once I said
excuse me father for I have sinned
because I didn't know how to pray so I begged for
forgiveness until my ego bled reasons that I needed
to be alone but I'd rather be excused then forgiven
because I'm good at excuses and I'm still waiting
around for the moment where I forgive you

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
WHEN WILL THE SKY STOP FADING
TO SUCH A DARK BLUE THAT I HAVE
TO TURN MY BRIGHTS ON AT 4 PM
WHEN WILL THIS CITY WAKE UP ONE
MORNING WHEN IT'S NOT EXHAUSTED
AND HUNGOVER ON IT'S LACK OF OXYGEN
WHEN WILL THE BIRDS SONG
BECOME OUR WAKE UP CALL
WHEN WILL THE LEASH COME OFF
WHEN WILL THE WORLD SPIN ON IT'S OWN FREE WILL
AND WHEN WILL I  STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET
I DON'T WANT THIS, I NEVER WANTED THIS
I GOT STUCK INTO BEING SOMEONE
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
BUT I WANT TO BE
I WANT TO BE SO BAD
IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MUCH EFFORT I PUT
IN ASKING THE GRASS TO GROW FOR ME
IT NEVER DOES
IF ONLY YOU FELT HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED
GOD TO TAKE AWAY THE FEELINGS
TAKE AWAY THE KNOWLEDGE
TAKE AWAY WHAT I NOW UNDERSTAND
LEAVE ME BLIND AND IN THE DARK BEFORE
YOU LEAVE ME SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BE
ACCEPTED BY ANYONE, ESPECIALLY HERSELF
IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MANY TIMES I BEGGED
EVERYBODY TO STOP STARING AT ME
I'M IN A ROOM ALONE BUT ALL I CAN FEEL IS EYES
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP BEING ME

Sometimes the stars in your lovers become darkness
It is okay to leave before the darkness swallows your moon

Frustration
A build up of emotions.
Screaming and banging against the utter most depths of your mind, wanting out.
Wanting to scream as loud as your lungs will take you.
Hit as hard and your fist can muster.
Frustration is a horrible, annoyance.
It's irritating and infuriating,
My mind swarms with it, all these pent up feelings and thoughts,
I feel like ripping my skin off, it's so annoying.
But yet it won't go away, and I can't make it.

As much as I say I've "let it out" though I do the opposite, it's still there.
Headachingly there.
As much as I say it's not, I'm just lying and adding to the frustration that won't seem to let go, that won't go away.
And after a while, frustration wears you down, grinds away what shred of hope you have in your soul and feeds off your dismay.

Frustration is a terrible thing.

Coming to terms with the unexpected death of a friend is something I unfortunately have a lot of experience with. But maybe i wasnt supposed to get so used to it, because now fate is showing me what it feels like to mourn the living. Ive been blessed with the best of friends with the worst of troubles. Its like watching a faulty light bulb flicker in and out of my life, never staying off. Is this my punishment for becoming numb to the feeling of loss? Or is it the indomitable human spirit gasping for air and refusing to go quietly? These are my trials, lest I allow apathy to consume me. I am a man of persistent love fueled by my own precious fear of death. As long as there is a pulse, I wont stop fighting. I love you and im not leaving.