it reached a point
where lies came easier
than the truth
and the truth was
that i wasn't a liar
but i would do anything
to save our little world
so i lied and i lied
until my heart scrunched
into an empty hole
and i was left with
trembling hands
and a sour mouth
because the truth was
i wasn't a liar
but when i looked in the mirror
that's all i saw
and it spread
like a rash on my skin
and there were black spots
within
because every lie crawled
under and inside
in the deepest parts of me
they'd grow and they'd grow
like a rash on my skin
***** incantations
were my mantra
lie after lie
i'd look myself in the mirror
and say
you're not a liar
you're only trying to survive
but the rash wasn't a rash
it was a disease which owned me
my mouth opened and closed
what came in and out
i do not know
my mind stopped dictating
the words i spoke
and the disease
taught me all i know
the truth is
i wasn't a liar
it wasn't me
because i was hidden
beneath the surface
of the disease which overtook
the parts of me
i could never touch
i ripped my skin
crying-
let me out
let me out
but the liar took over me
and i was stuck
beneath a film of safety
lies which spread like gel
over my surface
i was untouchable
until i couldn't differentiate
between the liar
and myself
and maybe all along
they were one
inside me that voice of truth sung
you are not a liar
but maybe
that was the biggest lie
of them all.

your mouth is a door,
and someday you are going to be told that it's just better left closed.

your eyes are the windows to your soul,
and someday people are going to tell you to draw the curtains.

your heart has been unpacked from the basement,
and someday someone is going to tell you to put it away.

and your optimism is a candle in your windows, and someday everyone's going to try and blow it out.

i'm telling you this,
because when that someday comes i want you to know what to say.

you say,

"my mouth is a door, and i hold the key."
"my eyes are the windows to my soul and i'll wash them regularly."
"my heart will not be put away, it goes with everything."
"my optimism is a candle, and it keeps me warm."

when that someday comes,
i want you to know what to say...

you say,
"this is my house, and it's not for sale."

he said, "i forgive you."
and stopped me dead in my tracks
that is not a phrase
my ears have been used to
probably because i've never used
the words on myself