i am infatuated to say the least
something about your smile & blue eyes that just made my heart sing
something about how you listen to me
as i'm stumbling over words
touching myself nervously
your genuine laugh as i make a stupid joke
my heart feels like its just about to implode
but then i slow down and remember that infatuation isn't real
it's a replica of something much more
it's the warm-up before the workout
last time i thought i was infatuated i was left with an empty feeling
as he tried to put his tongue between my lips
as i grow
as i love
as i ache for love
i learn that infatuation is strictly a facade
when you like someone
you have reasons
and i want to find reasons with you

im probably not supposed to talk about this
but I'm a self-destructive mess
like a volcano that never erupts
i just burn myself on the inside
i know i'm feeling self-destructive when I listen to hip-hop
and am able to picture hurting myself in my head
jumping off cliffs
drowning in my own blood
stabbing myself in the eye
getting hit by trains
my brain gets really creative if im not careful
sometimes i wonder when i'll get enough courage to make my self-destructive thoughts a reality

"Why are we stuck running from the bullet,"
that Harry Styles song replays in my head as i think of your pain
i dont look for you anymore in the halls
i think i actually avoid you
i see the back of your head and my stomach clenches
i hope youre okay and you can stand on your own
"Remember everything will be alright"
i want to tell you over and over again
i want to hold you and protect you
but you're the one who dropped me
you broke my heart
but i'm too ******* nice for my own good and i still care
i just want you to be okay
i know the pain you're in
you feel misunderstood and alone, but truly its your own fault
I ASKED TIME AND TIME AGAIN
but you didn't wanna open up
that's why i find myself thinking of you less  & focusing on myself more
because i deserve someone who i can be open with and someone who will be open with me
being angsty isnt attractive
i want to fight life with someone and not roll over and admit defeat
i guess you just weren't the one to do that with

Throat tight
Lungs closing shut
My fingers shaking and my skin numbing
I cant breathe
No one is there
No one
was I always this alone
who was I ever looking for
too much thinking
just makes me panic more

i've been through months of my life claiming love doesn't exist
at least between two partners
i believe in familial love i believe in spiritual love
but romantic love?
a myth
an urban legend
all these years i've seen my parents love each over
for  all the years of my life their love has been real
but often times i think it's just me
that i'm not capable of being loved
or loving
so realistically
i just don't even try
i don't care to try
because in the end you die alone
in the end you end up with all that love bursting inside of you
but still alone

My hair gooey and slick
As I feel your lies sink into my skin, and your smell is smokey and thick
Your words replay in my head
"I'd never hurt you. I'd never hurt you. I'd never hurt you."
I open my mouth to let your sticky black lies fill me again
and Again
somehow the lies start to taste bittersweet

round two and i'm fighting to stay interested
i think i like you but the hastle of the chase is making me exhausted
but i want what i want
and what i want is you
at least i think so
i like the way i'm comfortable around you
and the way we can laugh at awful memes together
modern ******* romance right?
but i have to ask the serious question
what about you can add to me as a person
what can i get out of being with you?
i can have feelings for anyone and get the thrill off of that
but why would i choose to be with you?
why you?
i keep praying to get an answer from the One with all of them
but somehow i think He wants you to show me
please show me
so i don't do something that i regret later