Light entered the dark room.
It's soft glow lit up the dark corners of the room
And even went as far as lighting up the dark corners of her mind.
The warmth spread across her face as she stared into the light-
A fire inside her eyes.
She watched the candle roar with only one flame,
Not afraid if the yellow flicker would burn her heart
If she got too close-
Like she did.
She spat fire at her whenever she brought down her walls.
She had to constantly build them back up so she wouldn't get even the tiniest glimpse of her broken, crippled self.
Her heart and soul were worn out,
Burns marking their territory
And stretch marks seeping through because that one big part of her Learnt to shrink more and more
Just so she'd have more bricks to pile up as defense.
She lived in constant fear that her fire would turn more of her body black again.
She was tired of living in fear of suffocating in her smoke.
Her lungs were sore from breathing in her scorching words.
In the dark room she reached her hand out to the flame,
Something she never thought possible,
Her fingers clasping onto the heat.
Clasping onto the peace
From the lone candle.
She never tasted a fire so beautiful-
For once the orange didn't leave her soul in ashes.
She inhaled the burning serenity
Embracing it,
Engulfing it,
Enlightening her insides
With a new found happiness.
She let herself melt
Into a world brighter than the light
Gone in her eyes.

I see you,
Confusion written all over your face.
Like you don't know where you are,
Why you're here.

I figure you can't see me.
So I wave,
Run up to you
Then wrap my arms around you.

Do you know I've missed you?
I've run out of tissues so many times,
For crying so long.
But you're here now.

I counted the minutes,
Hours, days, Years 
Until this moment,
I'm so happy.

You don't wrap your arms around me,
But I guess you haven't seen my face yet.
I pull away, centimeters apart,
And hope you recognize me.

Your features haven't changed,
You're as beautiful as you left.
Those hazel eyes,
That amazing smile.

I missed those nights we had,
Now I sleep alone.
But I'm glad you came back,
Life would return to normal.

You still don't understand,
Why I'm in front of you,
But now I'm confused,
Have you forgotten?

You couldn't have.
All those messages,
Those calls,
 My texts.

Don't you remember,
When you would lift me up,
Carry me to safety,
And hug me, reassuring me?

Don't you remember,
When I would lie in your lap,
Telling you stories,
While you stroked my hair?

Don't you remember,
How you teased me,
Making me angry,
But kissing me afterwards?

Don't you remember,
When I would play my guitar,
You would hold me,
And we would sing together?

Don't you remember,
When I would curl up next to you,
Head on your chest,
While you whispered your love for me.

I read your eyes,
As I tell you everything.
But I can see.
You don't remember 
There was never a 'me', after you left.

You don't need to explain,
I can see,
You fell in love immediately,
Forgetting what we had. 

I push you away,
And I see the recognition in you face.
You only realize now, do you?
You were so caught up, hey?

I walk away,
Hearing you scream my name,
But I know you never loved me,
I am so ashamed.

I fell for it,
Like everyone else.
There never was a 'us'.
There never was a 'me'.

I can hear you,
Running after me,
But all I wish to hear,
Are my raging tears.

I am such an idiot,
For believing you cared.
But you were so kind,
So amazing.

So was it all for fun?
Did you just want to play with my feelings?
Or did you love me,
But moved on when you left?

You said you won't forget,
You said you would care,
You said you will always remember,
Said you'd always come back.

But I guess,
More things were said,
Than ever done.

You grab me by the waist,
And try to explain.
But I break free from your grasp,
Like I broke free from your lies.

I wasted precious time,
Thinking you still loved me,
But I guess someone was better,
Prettier than me.

You words echo through the hall,
But I keep walking.
I don't want you anymore,
I'm through with this.

You're still chasing me,
But I'm faster.
I run to a corner,
Curl up and cry.

I can hear you coming closer,
But you don't touch me.
But that's what I need right now,
You.

Deep down,
Past the hate, the hurt,
The pain and the worst,
I realize,

I still Love You

Goodbye’s can be harsh,
With me, it always is,
A farewell to a piece of my life,
A piece of my heart

In the end, I’m left alone,
I never see it coming,
Just like when I met you,
I never knew you were worth it,

Friends or no friends,
We weren’t always,
But in my mind,
We were, always

My feelings were hurt, yes,
But at least you were with me,
Now I see into the future,
With us, there is no destiny,

We don’t feel the same way,
Pains me, it does,
But who can blame you,
For not feeling what I wish?

I can’t force love,
But like friends, I can’t
Stop doing what I do,
Saying what I say,

So maybe it’s best,
Before you part,
We stop being friends,
And I’ll be left with a broken heart,

People say,
“Live life with no regrets”
That’s why we should move on,
So I won’t be hurt again,

I hate doing this,
But it’s for the best,
I love you more than anything,
More than a friend,

Goodbye to another loved one,
Even if I know what it feels like,
I’m inexperienced when it comes ,
My heart breaking to pieces

Ignore my raging tears and please, Please do as I say:

Just clear your head,
Forget we ever met,
And let me be lonely,
Again.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A GREAT HALLOWEEN!! AND HOPE YOU HAD AN AWESOME DAY AND AWESOME COSTUMES!!!

Happiness is...

Not being sad.

That feeling
Like you wrapped your cold hands around
My heart
Squeezing the warmth and love out of it
Until it was empty.
But I never minded,
As my heart loved the feel of your hands
And needed to be cooled down every once in a while
Because every time I looked at you
It warmed up again.

I am all holes.
I have been shot so many times,
That I feel numb.

So shoot me, once again.
It will hurt, but I've learnt to love the pain

His screams of pain
Bounced off
The caved walls.

The many its tore through his flesh,
Howling through the process,
Grabbing at what they can.

I could not see them from above,
But it was too loud
For me to shut them out.

My ears were covered,
Yet sound leaked from the holes
Where dark seeped past my fingers.

I could not breath;
The fear was closing in on me
Stealing my air.

I inhaled,
But it was foul
Causing me to choke.

Seconds, minutes, hours
Ticked by.
Finally, they had left him.
However, their cries of victory
Did not reach over the sound of
Torture.

I knew it was my cue,
But my angst was too much to bear.
What was waiting for me,
Was too explicit for my innocent eyes.

These eyes were innocent,
But what lied behind them wasn't.
To survive I had to ****
What was left of a being.

Reluctantly I jumped off
The ground having another human upon it's surface,
I stumbled towards his figure.

My eyes tore away,
From the ****** mess I once called human.

His moans were all  could hear
In the cave,
In the arena,
In the whole world.
Why was I left to do the job
That I had cleverly tried to avoid?
Why couldn't they rid me
Of this suffering?
Why couldn't they rid us
Of this suffering?

My choices were blunt and clear;
I either pierce the dagger to end his distress,
Or walk away to end mine.

Knowing the consequences,
Either would leave me wounded from this graphic image.
But, I wasn't sure which one was what he wished.
I wasn't good with the death thing.

Then, with a groan,
His mouth formed a shape I couldn't communicate with.
The blood was dripping everywhere,
I couldn't recognize him any more.

Finally, I could see his lips
Forming the word

Please

Everything cleared up for me.
I was sure what to do.

I walked shakily towards his deformed body
Until I cowered above him.
My grip tightened around the knife in my hand
As I pulled it towards him.
My body shook,
My hand daring to loosen.

I gulped, not sure of what I was doing,
The body lying there in pain.
I sighed, closing my eyes.

I let the dagger fall,
Walking backwards as fast I could
And as far as I possibly could.

The loud sound echoed the arena
Scaring a few birds,
As realization dawned upon me.

I did it.

I dance.
I point my toes till they hurt.
I stretch every muscle in my body,
Even the ones that I shouldn’t.

 
I move across the room,
To every dusty corner,
Using all the space I have,
In this tiny room.
 

I smile,
As I lift a leg,
Turn it into the right position,
Try and ignore the pain,
 

I place myself for a pirouette,
Turn out my feet,
Widen my arms,
And let go.

 
My leg stays under my knee,
My arms come closer,
As my weight leans backwards,
I fall.

 
I regain my stamina,
And try again.
Doing the same as last time,
I fall.

 
I change my position,
I bring my weight forward,
And when I thought I did it,
I fall.

 
I got back up in anger,
The smile vanished from my lips,
I turn again and again,
Wanting to be perfect.

 
My last twirl,
I kept going on,
Turning with no end,
Until I collided into a wall.
 

I fell, once again,
But did not get up,
The white light was burning my eyes,
And like that,

I was gone

I Don't know anyone anymore,
It's like they've grown up without me.
I wasn't a missing link,
But only a useless one.

When you feel the world is hating on you.
Smiles are rare now.
I only walk into hate.

Maybe it's the sun?
But the people I love,
Are turning into my enemies.

These ears hurt,
After all the voices.
Voices that I can't stand.
Voices that mimic me.

I'm not sure anymore,
Of anything at all.
A silence settles between my friends,
I'm so afraid.

My vision so blurry,
I only look into the void now.
Has life taken me by it's hands,
And shook me sightless?

I'm distant,
But with a fake smile.
My voice hoarse,
From all the comforting.

Leaving  has made me realize,
I don't belong,
If no one wants me.

There are a few,
That light a fire in me.
But the numbers have shrunk,
By an infinite amount.

It never is depression,
But I wish to slip away.
To see if it is worth it,
I there is a silver lining.

I never want tomorrow to come,
If today was bad enough.
I feel as if there is nothing to look forward to.
Nothing at all.

I don't know anyone anymore,
As if they've grown up without me.
I wasn't their missing link,
But only a useless one.

My feelings are numb,
I feel so empty.
I don't understand anything.
I just don't know.

Every time I made a mistake,
I'd tear the paper,
Throw it away,
Take a new one,
And start again.

I'll rewrite my story,
Again,
And Again,
And Again-
Until there were no flaws,
And only happy endings.

I'm scared of my imagination.

I hear, see and feel things I shouldn't.
It scares me.

You hear barking, I hear howling.
You hear chair scraping the ground, I hear screaming.
You hear snoring, I hear wailing.
You hear in between radio stations, I hear cackling.
You hear sliding, I hear snakes.
You hear buzzing, I hear a bomb ticking.
You hear church bells, I hear the call for death.
You hear chopping food, I hear execution.
You hear the waves, I hear the drowning of the unknown.

I can't stay in the dark,
It's what I imagine I fear for.
My heart runs for it's life,
But it's stuck in the same cage.
And it's walls are scraped,
With tally of the times it will never get out.

You hear a tap, I hear drowning.
And I am flowing with it. In it.

Shake my head away from the dreams?
It's not as easy as you think.
When they taunt you,
While you sleep,
You dream,
You eat,
Scream.
I do.

It's just a nightmare...
- No it's not.
It's real;
It's my imagination.

Telling me things it shouldn't,
Making me feel things I shouldn't.

The imagery is too much, I cannot see;
Blind.

The wails, howls and screams are getting louder;
Deaf.

I’ve run out of voice,
To speak, to express, to call for help;
Dumb.

They say your imagination cannot hurt you,
Yet I’m screaming, running away from it.
But I can't – it's stuck with me, 'till I die.
Die from the fear of myself?
I will.

Sleep is scarce for me.

While my eyes may be closed,
My heart is beating rapidly,
In the fear of not falling,
Falling for you too.

Do I dare say a word?
No, my secret is kept in,
For they would not understand.
Or rather, they know, but refuse to accept it.

So while they're deep in their slumber,
Possibly in another world,
I'm lying here awake
Thinking about the tens of possibilities
That would never happen to me.

Like, you and I.

My body cannot tame
This unhealthy diet.
It does not deserve
To suffer like this.

Waking up in the morning,
Only to realize I did not succeed.
Going out,
Only to realize that my lack of slumber
Is affecting me more more than I know.

Why? Because of you.

These droopy eyes
Only wish for one night,
Where they could close
For quite a while
In real rest.

But, even when they do
My last thought is you.

Why?
Why are you doing this to me?
I think about you late in the night
And first thing in the morning.
You are the reason I’m so tired.

How can you help me
When you caused it in the first place?

I'm tired,
Tired of drifting off when I shouldn't,
Tired of half open eyes,
Tired of my restless sleep,
And tired of thinking about you.

Why'd you do this to me?
I cannot help loving you.

Is my Insomnia,
The aftermath,
Of falling for you?

We were not our most intimate
When my kiss was on your lips.
We were not our most intimate
When our hands clasped onto our hope together.
We were not our most intimate
When I scribbled poetry onto your skin
Or when I tattooed my love into your heart.
When I held onto you so close and made you promise me you'd never let go
We were not our most intimate.

When you were on the other side of a room
Filled with tons of people,
And a lesson going on in school
About something important,
But through it all
You caught my eye,
Held onto it,
And finally
Smiled.
That's when we were intimately in love.

I came into this world,
My sister automatically hated me,
She wouldn't get the jewelry,
That my mother promised she would give,

My mother told me about jellybeans
"it will make you feel better,"  she said

I first learnt to walk,
My brother let me fall,
He said two children was enough,
Then I came and ruined it all,

My dad gave me a jellybean,
"it'll make you happy again" he said

I turned five,
My teacher didn't like me,
She found me a disgrace,
Just by being the way I am,

My friend gave me her jellybean,
"the jellybean would make you think of heaven instead,"

Ten was the worst,
I was fat as hell,
Girls picked while boys laughed,
Everyone just said it was puberty,

I ran home to my sister,
She said,"the jellybean will drive the pain away"

A teenager I soon became,
My father was drunk,
Rapping on the door like a ghost,
It was as if he felt his life was done,

My brother covered my ears,
"don't listen to his say, let the jellybean lead the way"

My grandmother died,
My mother cried her soul out,
She was like a sister to me,
My life was now incomplete,

My aunt dried my tears and said,
"Bite down on this jellybean, it's your only happy place"

My mother was stuck in depression,
Nothing could help her,
I was on my own now,
Everyone looked past me,

god came down to me and gave me a jellybean,
"never give up" was his advice to me.

20 was my age,
To rise and shine,
My family was finally happy again,
It was so great I had tears in my eyes,

My family gave me a box of jellybeans,
"more the merrier!" they said to me,

It was during college,
Did a handsome man ask,
"why eat those jellybeans,
When you're supposed to be sad?"

I gave him a jellybean, smiled and said,
"more sweetness fills in, than tears are shed,"

The man became my lover,
We were everything to each other,
We planned a whole life together,
Until he had to part away forever,

He kissed me on the lips and dried my eyes,
"please take this sweet, as token of my love for you,"

I went back home to find,
my brother had gone haywire,
He didn't listen to anyone anymore,
He was a rebel now,

I calmed him down and all he said,
"Carmel, you don't understand, all you care about is jellybeans,"

Soon after there was 'breaking news' on the TV
My brother had killed,
But soon ran away,
And I was related to a murderer,

My sister hugged me and asked,
"does this call for a jellybean?"

I got a job as an assistant  mental helper,
What more could I do?
My resumé didn't hide my history,
Dead gran, criminal brother...

My sad face softened the one on my boss,
"have this jellybean, it's all I have," he said

A year after the same routine,
Did I learn my father had a drink too much,
The hospital bed he lied,
And went away without my goodbye,

After The nurse told me everything, I looked into my purse,
"oh beautiful jellybean, please do your magic," 

After, a marriage was arranged for me,
The man was sweet, but not mine,
He was a choice of someone else,
Which is what hurt me a lot,

I looked for a jellybean, but my sister sighed and said,
"you are about to be married, no need for those antics,"

In reality, the man and I were friends,
We had a bit in common,
But nothing like my lover,
I was alone again,

My mind yearned for a jellybean,
But I stopped, for my sister knew what I was doing

The day to tie the knot,
My mother was half gone,
She came in a wheel chair,
Yet she was clapping along,

The priest spoke as my 'husband' smiled,
"no jellybean, but smile, smile for them," I thought.

After living a different life,
I still hadn't learn to love him,
My sister got mad and ran away,
Far away from me, she said,

My husband sat down and gave me a packet of jellybeans,
"I know it's what you love, take them and smile again, for me"

31 my brother payed a visit,
He had changed so much I could have loved him instead,
He cried and apologized,
But I just gave him a hug and SMILED,

He gave me a special jellybean,
"to tell you how much I appreciate it," he said.

He lived with me for a while,
My "lover" said I needed the company,
We laughed, smiled and cried together,
It was the best year of my life,

My friend came up to me and said,
"a jellybean for improving your happiness," 

Later my mother was fully gone,
My brother couldn't bare the pain,
He ran away, for he wasn't strong,
Sadness filled my air again,

My neighbor came and wished me well,
But no happiness came without a jellybean.

My depression,
It became my obsession,
My husband tried and gave up,
There was nothing he could do,

Cigarettes were my new candy,
"I'm sorry, Carmel, you're too old for jellybeans'' 

My husband screamed,
I would never try,
So he packed his bags,
And left with no sweet goodbye,

I cried my heart out, and pulled out my cigarette,
" wow, Carmel, look what you've done"I said.

So this was my life,
I was lonely as hell,
No family to love me,
No one to ask if I was well,

I left the cigarette and took out my special jellybean,
" at least it sweetens the pain, reduces the hurt, and make you feel as if you're whole again,"

After all that has become, 
after all that has been done,
The jellybean never left my side, 
It was the one who loved me, all this time

"I love you, Jellybean," I said, " you are my one and only, best friend,"

If our lives wasn't so divided
Our hearts could've collided,
Space wouldn't define our status 
But It would be our safe haven
Where we could live among the craters
Riding on the shooting stars
Passing Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter
To finally land on Mars.
Because our love is out of this world.
Connect the dots you see in the night sky
And clearly written are the words 'You and I' 
I can finally call you Mine,
That word I trace on your skin and I realize
Platonic, romantic,
We were meant for each other.
Read the constellations,
Do you dare question the galaxy?

It burns my heart,
Right to my soul,
Seeing you with another,
God, just let me go.

It was like a dagger in me,
Yet you let me bleed,
Because you didn't know,
You didn't know.

Why was it you,
The one who never really cared?
Rarely had your arms around me,
But now I'm completely bare.

I wish it would stop,
The pain is hurting me.
But you had to carry on,
Carry on torturing me.

I wish more than anything,
For you to love me.
But you don't notice me,
You let me be.

I love you,
I wish I could tell you.
It's my secret,
But you don't care about the truth.

I'm sorry,
I'll take the blame,
For being me,
I walk with my head down in shame.

How is it
That I can make everyone double over,
But you?

Just tell me I make you laugh.

Just say those four words....

That's all I need...

Please.

Like a tree,
With many leaves-

I wasn't the only one.

Dear Lover,

I still wake up at glorious hours to meet what we once had through nature. Remember the sunsets we watched together? I still gaze at them with the same intensity I had when I looked at you. I wake up early in the brisk cold morning seeing darkness but finally watching the light brighten through my blue curtains making a sea of colour wash over my room. The shade you love.

How are you? It's been a while. I'm a little lonely since most of my friends have moved away. On the bright side, I’m moving on better. I've met a couple of guys and the crying has stopped a whole lot. I get out more than I used to. I visit the places we went together from time to time. You know how I used to write in that red book that you gave me on our first anniversary? I still have it and take it with me everywhere. I use it so much that the edges are getting softer and you can see a couple of coffee stains (sorry). I go out to the park daily and write whatever comes to mind in there.

Sadly, all I write is about you.

The first time you saw me, I was waiting for my mother to pick me up. I remember so well seeing your body rise from the sunroof with your friends. Do you remember when your eyes locked with mine? That look you gave me that I had witnessed a million times? I remember, and I miss that a lot. When you took me on car rides just to watch the sun rise and set? I miss that. You waking me up each morning with a phenomenal kiss and arms for me to fall into? I miss that so much. How about all those times a grey cloud hung over me, but you were there to cheer me up? I need that now.

How can I help it? You were the one that looked at me as if I meant the world to you. I craved your presence because you made me happy. I needed your smile just to make my bad day better. You were there for me when no one else was. I apologize if I’m not your one. You might not need me but I need you. You don't deserve me, but you have changed me so much. I guess...I guess I’m not quite over you. I’m sorry for fighting, I’m sorry for being stupid. But know, I did it out of care. I....I am so sorry.

So, I ask you for one more chance for me to show you I love you. How is it that I only feel butterflies and nausea around you but you don't anymore when you're around me? This love simply can't be one sided. I saw the way you looked at me, and the way you acted, and everything. The sparks and fireworks were booming on my side. When I met you, I saw fire behind those beautiful eyes. I saw determination. I saw a strong connection, and felt it through my every vein. Have you moved on from that? Please say you haven't. I need this so bad, please understand that. I need you so bad. You mean the world to me, don't you get it?

If you loved me then, can't...can't you love me now?


Sincerely,

The Girl Who Still Loves You.

That moment when you realize,
Life isn't a friend,
But simply an enemy,
Toying with your emotions.

You hope and pray for something,
And it only does the opposite.

It's different for everyone.
Seem have it hard, suicide.
Some have it good,romance
But everyone hates it.

Don't let it hurt you,
But look past the glares,
The threats,
The knives.

It only wants you to cry.
It only want you to die.

So long, Life.
Your dreams have come true.

Wait a minute, I think I've figured it out.
You hate me, while I love you.

Guess the feeling isn't mutual.

Mama, it hurts to breath him in now.*
I think it's the intoxicating smell of all the wrong choices he made following him everywhere he goes.

Mama, it burns whenever I touch him.
He scorches me with his fierce speech, a tongue of fire every time he speaks to me, but with words never truly meant for me.

Mama, it deafens me whenever I hear him.
His voice is raspy from all his problems he tries to smoke away, turning his lungs into ashes with all the bad herbs he puffs away.

Mama, it blinds me whenever I see him.
His sad self wasting precious life away, in the depths of despair.

Mama, I want to cry for him. He hurts so much and I cannot even reach out a hand to help him without poisoning myself with his deadly words. Loving him is excruciatingly painful because he has no love left for me.

Mama, I can't leave him.
Even if he doesn't show it I know if I were to leave he'd suffer tremendously. He's so fragile behind the armored wall he put up against anyone.

Mama, I know you think I'm making a mistake
But I bare with the pain if it can make him okay again.

I'm the only one he lets his walls down for.

Mama,
You ask how? Why?

Well, if he didn't, he wouldn't have asked me to stay longer.

Why?
I guess he needs me as much as I need him.

Waiting on the other side
Of an equal sign.
An equation left
Unsolved.

I'm supposed to be a sum
Her + Me = Eternity
Yet I'm still waiting
To be solved.

Left in a textbook,
Unnoticed and unloved.
Trying to ignore the groans,
The glares, the words.

Jotted down repeatedly,
Still no one sees,
I want out,
I want a life.

Forever hoping and believing
That my real question will be answered.
I'm left as a problem,
Impossible to solve.

I lay on this piece of paper,
Eager to know,
If I'm true,
Or hopelessly false.

So I'm waiting on the other side
Of an equal sign.
And equation left
I solved.

I'm sitting and wondering
If there's anyone home.

I look into the mirror,
And see my reflection.
It has changed so much,
Changed from when I was a child.

Tears sting my eyes,
Since I don't see the same face anymore.
I'm NOT the same person anymore.
My mind isn't tiny anymore.

I see traces of my family,
Inside my eyes,
Traces of me,
Inside my words.

But I cannot be the same person
Again.
I can't love the child,
That I once was.

I always wanted to grow up,
Now that dream came true.
I could never treasure the days being a child,
I am forever doomed.

My only wish is to be young again,
Free again.
But God has made His decision,
I can never be.

And now I'm looking at a mirror,
As a flashback washes over me,
I hate myself for what I did.
I hate that I never loved me.

I only have this mirror,
To remind me of my mistakes.
But at least I can go back,
And love the way I lived.

It can’t hurt you,
But only make you fonder,
It silences the silence,
With beauty.

Makes you feel,
As if you’re in outer space.
No one can find you,
No one can hurt you.

Peace,
Makes you calm,
The only sound you hear,
Is the music making its way to your heart.

It’s a mist,
Only in the color your desire,
It moves around,
Slowly wrapping itself around your soul.

It’s emotional,
Can speak to you,
But the words soothe you,
Telling you to fly.

Music is made,
Sung,
And heard,
It’s what keeps us alive.
It’s what gives us life.

Get lost in the sweet, amazing feeling that I call music.  
                                                              ~d(-_-)b~

No new messages.

I don’t know where you are on the other side of the screen. But I want to know. Badly.

No new messages.

I’m not sure what I’ve become, in these seconds, of being patient.

No new messages.

My soul only wants one thing, I realize: You. Your attention. Your sympathy. Your words to make me feel better.

No new messages.

I’m going crazy now. I want you, your touch through words. I want to know that you’re listening to my thoughts. That you’re here for me.

No new message.

My patience is running out, my love for you is too. Staring at a screen, wanting something only you can give.

What has my life become? I am nothing. Saving time for you to talk to me, when I should concentrate on what’s important.

No new messages.

My life is useless. I am looking for the wrong goal. But I keep staring, hoping you’d somehow send me a message, telling me it’s ok.

No new messages.

I’m tired. I’m sorry. I can’t stop being the crazy girl I am. But I’m in love, that’s all I can say.

No new messages.

I get it, you’re not online. Fine. I’ve stopped caring. What’s the point? Forget you. I hate you. I wish we’d never met.

No new messages.

Yes, I’m still here. Can’t you see? It’s been hours, I’ve been staring at this screen since you said you’d be here. I’m not ready to give up. Are you there, somehow?

No new messages.

I’ve tried, but it’s getting late. I’m sorry. Even though I know you’re not here. Please know that I still care.

I type in a new message and then sign out.

I Love You.

Waiting on the other side of a screen,
                          
                              ­       Hoping you'll send me a message.

Seconds tick by...
                                  Minutes tick by.....

                                                        ­                Hours tick by....
                            
Then I realize.

                                              There is no one on the other side.

                                                          ­                        
*Never was.

I held up that grand quilt in my tiny hands, thoughts rushing past my mind.

That denim piece splattered with red paint,
ah, remember when you wore that for the first time as you picked carrots with Dad?

That cotton piece filled with a vibrant orange,
how could you forget? That was the dress you wore to your first ever play recital.

That baby pink rayon piece,
you wore that on the first day of high school, you could not forget.

That grey wool piece,
that was your Christmas present, and you wore it near the fire. You spilled hot coco on it.

That rare purple leather,
that is too important to forget. Remember, it was the jacket you wore on you first date.

That blue flannel piece,
you loved that one. You wore it all the time, ever since the first time you wore it when you won “best speaker” at a school competition.

That brown cupro piece,
you wore that to your mother's birthday, the one where she got promoted to L.A.

That green polyester piece,
never can forget, could you? That was the shirt you wore when Dad and Mom divorced.  

That white lyocell piece,
you wore it at your graduation party, and your whole family was there.

That barkcloth piece,
it was a day to remember, you united with you brother once again in that dress.

That calico piece,
you wore that to the hospital when Granddad got a heart attack.

That black and white damask piece,
that was so beautiful, so you kept it for your dinner. Which you hadn't realized was your engagement dinner with your boyfriend.

That red gingham piece,
wow, that was the time you met your dad's girlfriend. And Mom had not moved on.

That black lace piece,
a day never to forget. It was the funeral of your Granddad’s, and that was the dress you wore.

That grey gauze piece,
it was the shawl you wore when you visited your grandma, and found out she was ill of depression.

That amazing white gazar piece,
a memorable day. It was the dress you wore to you wedding.

That turquoise silk piece,
too soon after your wedding. It was the part of the purse you took to your Grandma's funeral. *

That white and blue jacquard fabric,
that was the fabric you had for your curtains, when you moved into your own house.

That leopard print intarsia piece,
it was an amazing day. Your mother visited you the first time in your new home. The both of you cried with the rain pouring outside. Nothing could have ruined that beautiful moment together, united.

That satin cobalt blue piece,
that dress you wore to the dinner with your parents and husband. Only to later realize that you brother had met with an accident.

That exotic lantana piece,
you remember, don't you? You wore that dress when you met your brother days later, severely hurt.

That red lace piece,
you went to London with your husband wearing that. You were so excited.

That madras piece,
it came from that cushion out of the four your husband bought you.

That cream organdy piece,
your mother had found it in her closet, a dress from her mother's, and wanted to give it to you.

That deep purple paisley piece,
you wore that on the day your mother died.*

And like that, all the thoughts came back to me. All the pieces of my past, fit in together. But it never made sense – that was how my life worked. And there were more pieces, more parts, to fit together, until my life was spread out in front of me. Like a patched quilt.