i say um at the beginning
of every answer to every question
i am asked.
it's unsure
it's hesitant
it's my mouth knowing
my brain is moving too fast and
the anxiety is too much
and um...

it's a pause that gives
me enough time to think
and maybe
just maybe, it might be too long but
then you happened
and i never paused with you
i was confident in me as long as you
looked at me with those
brown eyes that seemed a lot lighter when the sun
shone on you or when you smiled because
you thought something was funny when
it really wasn't but
your smile was infectious.
so i smiled too.
i was confident enough to say words
that would seem awkward or weird to
literally anyone else
but you got it and it made you laugh.
your laugh was infectious.

i was falling before i realized it and
that was my mistake.
we were, no
we are friends.
we have strange inside jokes and
high five way too hard
and you hug me when i'm having a bad day
and i play with your hair when you stoop
to my height

the lines blurred and i fell so hard
i hadn't noticed that your arms were
already full so you
could not catch me
and i fell
so hard
that um...

the hesitation came back only
whenever you were around
and i was quiet often
because my brain couldn't catch up
to itself
and your eyes still crinkle at the corners when
you smile,
your jokes are still off-beat and
make me smile

and my heart beats
a little faster even
though i tell myself to stop because
um...