do you have moments, where you can’t imagine a future?
you’re lying there, staring at the
same walls
same ceilings
same words
with nothing but the same feelings-
empty and pale,
like there’s no reason to go on,
when you can’t even do enough to fail.
the future is coming, but you don’t want to be in it,
can’t imagine yourself in it.
where you just want to stop.
everything.
and just sit there for a while.
maybe not death, as that’s too permanent,
but something close to it.
when you can feel the rope around your neck,
the razor on your wrist,
the way the pills taste.
you can imagine it, and you aren’t sure if it’s what you want,
or just the feelings you imagine it will give you

Did I ever tell you
Why I stopped drinking?
Why I am so terrified
To take a sip alone?
How that one time after class
My heart was broken
And I skipped the glass
And drank straight from the bottle?
How I crumbled into a ball
Under my favorite blanket
My mind screaming through the halls
Fighting off the demons trying to drown me?
Of course I always want to die
That's something I've learned to live with
But never before in my life
Had I known that I could give in.
Yet there I lay crying
Wasted with a racing mind
Begging to give in to dying
But instead I went to sleep.
So when my depression intensifies
And I run to my substances
I am so terrified
So alcohol is the last option.
Because it could be my last decision.

I saw him for the 100th time today and he looked a 1000 times better than he looked when I laid my eyes on him and he couldn't have looked as wonderful as he did at that moment

Honestly I thought I was over him

Yes... It's still him

And I can't seem to get my mind out of the gutter he pulled me into

He touched my hand and every form of energy went through me in that passing moment and it felt like an eternity had passed since we last said hello
But it was only this afternoon as we sat waiting for that dreaded Geo exam paper

I couldn't help but look at his smile and think that he could be the reason I take my first breath every morning

I honestly thought I was over him but nah life never works out that way hey

I need a new addiction
Because the one I have now is killing me
And I know that it is inevitable but I couldn't help it
I couldn't help becoming a ******

We could've worked out me and you
Maybe in a different time or even a different place
All I know is that we could've worked out me and you
If you didn't represent the high school ****
And I the freshman wannabe
We could've brisked off into the sunset Or at least hid away from all the drama Even only for a day
We could've had it good
Afternoon picnics on a summer's day
Late night phone calls about the nightmare I just had
Laying on the grass Looking up at the stars Smoking cigarettes and listening to our favourite band
God. Why didn't we work out me and you
It would've been such a beautiful thing to watch

Sometimes I write poetry that even I myself do not understand
And I have to read it over and over again just to figure out what is written on the page
Sometimes it helps me figure out my true feelings
But most of the time I realise that it isn't me writing on the page
It is something deep inside
Something that I have been trying to **** with every lit cigarette And every bottle of ***** I could ever ingest
But just like everything in life
Karma is a *****
And Attempted ****** is still not ******