grow back what he took from you;

you lie at depths he will never be able to fully reach.

(a.m.)

Because no one and no thing can stop a heart from breaking ;
Because once sorrow is unleashed from the deepest crevices in ourselves, the flood and waves of hurt cannot be halted by even the strongest of all breakwaters ;
Because humans are social creatures and though the loneliest of us deny this, we cannot help but want love when there is no love to receive, want to hope though we know it is hopeless, want to believe though we know it is not to be or perhaps, never to be ;
That is why when the tears flow, I cannot just stop them.

No more swirling violent waters to drown in.
No longer will there be nothing but air beneath the soles of my feet.
Being fifteen made a fool out of me,
It felt like every person was in the right direction,
armed with the courage and faith
to seek the dream they are so sure of.
While they knew so fully well what was ahead of them,
I was without a map, searching for a compass desperately trying to find North and South.

It was scary, it was beautiful, it was emotional.
How do I describe youth in its purest, rawest form?
Do I call it a thunderstorm or a spring shower?
Was it an avalanche or were the snow flakes descending around me, landing ever so gently?

Fear is synonymous with youth, yet a year later,
I realised my fears are now unfounded.
No more fears to live with,
No more nightmares to dream alone in the night.
When I feel terror again, lost and without the briefest sense of direction,
I have learned to build bridges.
Never will I fall again
To the violent waters that threatened to engulf those who are young and careless.

Let Time be kind to us.
Let us have one more sunrise -
before the sun sets forever, under that last bright horizon,
and the lights dim in our clouding eyes.

Before my eyes shut,
let us capture every transient moment in between
all the blinks we take,
and let it remain in our memory, a permanent forever,
before Time washes all away.

Like the waves reducing the unyielding cliffs,
to giant piles of beaten rocks and fine black sand,
Time will steal faces and conversations
leaving us to be nothing else
but an empty, clean state.

As I know now, of how every moment lived,
of how every turn of the unchanging, never ending cycle,
means one tiny step further into the deep unknown.
I pray,
for Time to be kind to the young.

When the sun rises,
the moon has no say but to leave the morning sky without a glance
Albeit sullenly, albeit unwillingly, he leaves the dark to turn into day again.

When the cold breeze turns
stronger, fiercer,
and the temperature starts falling,
autumn slips away imperceptibly,
in the dawn of winter.
Leaving behind dead leaves,
dead trees and death death death,
the sky will weep snowflakes.

When her tiger cubs mastered the art of hunting,
the tigress has to forsake her offsprings.
She abandons them in the dead of the night,
as they make their second ****.
There will be nothing but
indifference in those cold,
steely eyes.

Like the seasons, like nature itself, was it that natural for you to leave me? Were you the moon, autumn or tiger?

Hope surges upward from your core and to the heart. It warms your blood as your heart crushes into itself twice every second and unbelievably, your mind starts to think of a million and one possibilities. Your hand tingles and finally, after what seemed like eons, you think you are feeling hope again. You start suppressing it out of reflex- an unconscious, uncontrollable action. You push it down, right back to the void it came from but its too late and your lips are curving upwards into a gentle smile. You anticipate euphoria -almost can feel it at the top of your fingertips and you finally let yourself believe and hope.

It comes crashing down without warning. For a second, you still smile because your mind could not process the disappointment yet. Then - hurt, sadness, shock - flits through your mind. You still hold on to your hope like a child who refuses to let go of candy. Your smile wavers. But just like grabbing onto handfuls of sand, hope will fall out through your tightly clasped fingers. You realised that your hold on hope is no longer and instead, it is replaced by cold, unforgiving reality.

Like an icy slap to your face, like an unexpected kick to the stomach, like a bite from a dog you have always love- that is how disappointment feels like.