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awallflower Jul 2014
this autumn
do not step on the dead leaves
to hear the satisfying crunch under your feet
for you have to respect
the things that mother nature could not save.

this autumn
do not open the windows
to catch the cold autumn breeze
the falling leaves might be blown in
and they will die and turn brown
right in front of you.

this autumn
darling, shut the door and hide in your sanctuary
everything is dying
you should not witness the destruction
and find any beauty in it.

this autumn
do not go to the cemetery
for the silence that you love.
for the next season
you might be under the snow.
awallflower Jun 2014
I am not lonely, just alone.
awallflower May 2014
I have been so conflicted lately. Is it unwholesome not to wish, not to desire to place your trust in someone whom you lost faith in?
I feel like I have lost something very essential in this platonic relationship. I do not place my burdensome trust on a fragile shoulder easily and carelessly now. But then again, we are all just human, and my shoulders, like theirs, cannot bear a heavy pressure for long. Don't get me wrong, our friendship still holds true but I can no longer see the best in them.

I feel bad (by bad, i mean an undescribable whirlwind of feelings). I feel jaded, and sometimes I wonder why I cannot simply let go of the resentment and this sour, heart-wrenching feeling of betrayal. And I wonder ever harder why I do not want to mute out that voice in my mind that SCREAMS out : Alert! Alert! whenever I so much as glance at their passing shadows.

I ask myself why your name reminds me of open wounds and permanent scars. I ask myself why with every unnatural hesitation before a forced chuckle. I hate it. I abhor the grating-on-the-ears, awful imitation of genuine laughter. I ask myself why as I recognise our old photos, feeling like one half of a pair of heartbroken lovers, though between you and I, we have lost the title "soul sisters".

But, the answer is simple: We don't deserve it. They don't deserve my trust and I don't deserve to trust someone as easily again.

I wish I am sorry about this.

23.05.14.
As you can tell, I am a huge Perks of Being A Wallflower fan. The book and movie adaption gave me lots of insights and i have never fell in love so fast with a character--->Charlie. Thank you, Chbosky, for letting me make sense of my teen angst, even for a little while.
  May 2014 awallflower
Tori Jurdanus
Ahh, the friend zone.  Have you ever been there? Stuck between wanting and not being wanted by who you are certain must be the love of your life? Well don't you worry your lonely little head any longer, because experts have finally developed a fool-proof way to escape this unfair wasteland void of affection.

Step one:
Admit what has happened.  You, friend, have been friend zoned.  For some unfathomable reason, girl has deemed you, undesirable. Do not be discouraged when she calls you brother.  Instead, accept the challenge of making ****** seem appealing.

Step two:
Spend less time with her.  Make her feel as if she values your company more than you do hers.  She will begin to feel confused and lonely. When she calls, do not pick up until at least the fifth ring.

Step three:
Up your flirting game. If she doesn't respond positively, send her a sarcastic remark via text guilting her into giving you more attention.

Step four:
Change. Change everything about yourself until you lose the person she first befriended.  When she sees you, it will be like looking in the face of a stranger.

Step five:
Break the touch barrier.  Invading a woman's personal space with unwarranted physical gestures is a sure way to make her used to your dominating body movements.  Soon, she should submit to her instincts, and to you.  

Step six:
Stop doing things for her.  You can't expect a girl to want to date you when you already give her everything a boyfriend would and she doesn't even have to put out.  (I mean, the only reason women even have *** is to keep their man around).  Instead, tell her to do something for you, like making a sandwich.

Step seven:
Explain to her why her boyfriend, girlfriend, other love interest, or singleness is not right for you.  I mean, her.  She is, after all, incapable of making her own decisions, or else she would not need to lean on you for advice.  Understand that you are better than anything else she could want, she just doesn't know it yet.

Step eight:
Date other people.  Women easily become jealous of other women.  This will make her small mind react territorially.  Much like step two, this will lead her to feel insecure around you, and she will begin to show you only her most formal, prettiest parts.  

Step nine.
Confess your feelings for her.  Humans in general can never tell when someone is romantically interested.  Overstep boundaries, tell her how you are almost too good for her, and she will never find someone like you.

Step ten.
Congratulations! You've done it.  You, sir, have escaped the friend zone.
She does not look at you when she walks by. She does not call.
You, are no longer her friend.
After Kait Rokowski's, How to Cure a Feminist.
awallflower May 2014
We are everything and yet, only a number.

We are the beauty of the white lies we utter to keep our loved ones' minds at peace. We are the rainy afternoons with latte, a good novel and cafe music. We are the undying spirit, even when the earth shakes and crush us under destroyed buildings, we live on, we build homes again - we forget our pain.

We are the hope we give ourseleves, the rescue of broken hearts and the blind love we thought we knew everything about. We are a war within ourselves, the conflict between our heart and mind, with no one to triumph.

And yet we are a statistic
a "1 in 100 of us will die prematurely because of cancer"
We are a weight, a number on the scales
that haunts young girls till adulthood.
We are an age,
when youth means nothing because to live to old age is itself, nothing but an achievement as suicide rates continue to soar.
We are an exam grade,
when we know that school is simply a race for the stronger to rise over the weak, and friends are only for pretense.

We are everything. And yet, we continue to define ourselves as just a number.
awallflower May 2014
Emotions hit the hardest, at the things we keep hidden.
we hide the things we hide, because they are our weakest points.
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