[trigger warning: mention of self harm]

Let go of the sharp metal,
and throw away the pills.
Start collecting rose petals,
and appreciating cheap thrills.
This is how I died— without actually dying.

I removed all the toxicity
found in this silent vicinity.
And I turned to my laptop screen
The wallpaper was you with a grin.

That moment I knew,
I knew it well.
It was you—

For whom I fell.
I loved you deeper,
with a greater force.
But it was really bitter
when you confirmed my hopes were false.

You stood by her,
Your warm hand protecting hers from the cold air,
You clearly are a great lover,
But why am I on despair?

So dear, this is for you,
Who made me feel dead while
breathing—
who made me feel dead without actually
dying.

TW!: self harm

Every time I'm tempted to grab the piece of metal hidden inside a box I try to avoid,
I look out the window to see if the sky can fill my void.
It's nothing new,
just the stars and the moon glowing where it's due.
I hold back.
I heave out a heavy sigh.
Each time I want to give up on myself, on life, on everything,
that's when I remind my heart of a promise I can never fail.
I promised myself I'll have more moons to see.
Luna glowed its light on me, and I told him, "don't go just yet, and let me tell you my secrets."

I blame it all on my lack of interest about everyone around me,
that I only noticed you when the alarm's about to ring.
Was I blinded or was it really just hard to see
your eyes that smile and the way you sing?
Oh, yeah, it's hard to recognize a pair of crescents
staring at another's presence.
And it's hard to keep a voice inside my heart because that is all I'll ever hear.
Almost.
But not quite.
I almost tricked myself into liking you.
Almost but not quite, because you had someone else.

— written on jul. 17, 2018


Green— you walked kinda fast to reach the other side.
A lot of people beside you were doing the same, but it was only you whom I can see.

Red— I stopped. I stopped because I remembered the way my muscle felt when I saw your face from a distance. It was a short pause followed by the racing of my heart.

Yellow— no, it’s not that Coldplay song. Ready. Just by seeing your face, I could tell I was ready for it. Ready for your touch, your kiss, and your love.

It was a swift turn. The times of trips on the road as you held my hand and stir the wheel on the other. The moments we sang one song and felt like this would never end.

And those are memories to be cherished.

Gone are the days we felt no distance in between. But remember this darling, we may be far apart but our hearts lie within short distances.

my fingers won't be enough
to count the times i wanted to leave
for when times were too rough
i did not know what to believe

is life a gift
or is it a curse?
i saw all of them drift
and none of it hurt much but yours.

for i wanted to leave and escape
if i could drive to heaven
i'd do it happily and safe
and the clock tick tocked eleven:eleven.

trigger warning: self harm, depression

there she goes again
spending each day with pain
i hope she gets through it
for she had long accepted her defeat.

it's understated that she's sad
and it has gone seriously mad.
she is more than depressed
nobody could've ever guessed.

there she lies alone
in the dark corner with her phone
she tries calling her friends
but they're too busy with the trends.

she moved with all her might
a metal in her hand gripped tight.
she had made up her mind
but all of a sudden she saw a rewind.

there she saw herself,
melancholic and looking for help
but she came to realize
there is no one but shadows and lies.
she saw there a mysterious light
and only she could help herself to fight.