I am shaking
as the room caves in
the tears rush down
I can't breathe
unable to scream
unfound
lost
alone
caved in

I feel as though the world
has gone cold
especially without you
here right beside me

how is it I'm so uneasy
how is it that you've been fine
life reveals what it's dealt through seasons
circle comes around each time

you're above
over me
you're feeling the love
above
craving unconditional love

I spit out fire
from my lungs
the ground shakes
it all comes crashing down
all over again

Who shall you be today?
Loving me or despising me
It does not matter now
Since you practically want me dead
I am worthless
A burden
Cowardice is my definition
I wanted to live
Believe me, I did

Crying again
all alone and tired
shaking in my bones
cold and decaying
tell me if you would care
but no
you do not
lies
that is all I hear

Broken, ripped apart
my heart bleeding out
as the stitches come apart

How should it be today?
You don't see or feel
as I do
You don't even feel at all
do you?

The dull grey world
the one that I see through my eyes
the one that has grief, greed, insecurity
A lot of bad things
and the stillness is overwhelming to me
because I feel nothing
the days go by and I feel nothing at all
I could hurt someone and feel nothing at all
but once I am inside
that home of which I am alone
I cry and I cry
thinking: "What have I done?"
I hear the sounds of my phone going off
and yet I don't dare answer it
I want to but I don't
not until I've done lowering myself even further
I try to be a better person
and I try to act like its fine
but it's weakness that I'm showing
and my feelings are fading away
I'm waiting for the summer
I'm waiting for it all to go away
If there isn't a better tomorrow
than tomorrow is just
another day

I've learned to accept that I am alone
I may not be okay
but to you
it's fine
because I'm not important
at least not anymore

I'm the one that hurts you, right?
I'm the one that makes you miserable
I drag you down

Maybe I just need better friends
I'm better off alone anyway

I saw the way that you looked at her
Her eyes were a beautiful pale green
and she had blonde hair
Although I was smiling
I was dying inside

I acted like I was having fun
even when I wasn't
you kept looking at her and leaving me behind
Your hand slipped out of mine
as you walked next to her
and I stayed behind

You were laughing with her
and smiling
you didn't even look up at me
not until I said
I didn't want to go on the swing
but you both did anyway

And I saw her look at me
with a look of guilt
and I looked away
not sure if I was fading away with the music
or if I was fading away with my heart breaking

My chest hurt
and I couldn't breathe at all
I loved you more than words could say
and there you were
looking at her like that
I couldn't make you look at me that way

She stares at the bookshelf
The top is cluttered
she cannot bring herself to clean it
For she is too small
Instead cleans from the middle down
It wasn't hard at all
If only she were tall
Then again, she prefers
to be small

one of these days i know
that young face of yours
will grow old
but my love for you
will carry on

Relax and breathe
inhale the scent of a flower
a calming feeling
reducing stress in my head
but only for a few minutes

A little bit at a time
a little bit to let go
and a little bit to hold onto

A curved piece of glass
on a cup
that you hold in your hand
warm and bittersweet
it calms
it soothes

The process repeats and it becomes
an endless cycle
Another afternoon and it's time for tea
grab the same bag and throw it in
ignore all their words
and the way that they hurt you

So, this is it?
I told myself that I could do it
To just die
Is that it?
Maybe that’s easier.
There is nothing as irresponsible as words
I never thought of it, death.

It's fun if you do it seriously
Do not measure with your life
Did you stumble in your way?
What was wrong?
If it is a sweet story,
If you brag about unhappiness proclaim it in your mouth
Please show off all of your labels

Stop your breathing "I’ll do it for you",
Stop your talking "Because I think of you"
These limits of mine are not the same anymore, no longer, do you realize now?
My heart now works differently; you did not know that, huh?
You really don't know.



Do not say “I’m fine.”
Do not say “I’m okay”
You do not know that making minds is different, do you?
I didn’t think so

You feel exhilarating, do you not?
It's easier to have a higher level than me
I cannot do "normal things"
Then tell me what is normal.
I cannot be any good for anything
She says that she is as unnatural as her words
I never even realized it.

It's fun if I die
Take a look at your feet.
Is the stumble in your path a rollercoaster?
Are you walking on a sidewalk?
If it's a sweet story it's poisonous to your ears.
If you brag about unhappiness your mouth will go bad.
Remove all of your labels and never show up again.

Stop your breathing "I’ll do it for you",
Stop your talking "Because I think of you"
These limits of mine are not the same anymore, no longer, do you realize now?
Stop your "I understand", you don't.
Stop your "Everything is okay" when it is not.
My heart now works differently; you did not know that, huh?
You really don't know.
I will not say “I understand" easily,
Because I will not give up easily
I'm breaking the line please let me cross it now.

I walked back and it fell down and this place was a position.
Here is a white line and we’ll put it up a wall that is not here
Leave the door here and fill the key in there.
At least for a while,
Repeat without stopping
Do not ask yourself if it’s alright.

The left hand line and the heart line are not the same
Your heart and my heart are added and it is not "2"
Add a line of the left hand and a line of the mind
So I won’t have to know.

Closed door
locked
dark
empty
Voices rising from the room upstairs
I'm curled up in a ball unable to move
because of the marks all over my body
and the paralyzing fear inside
and the ceiling is spinning
I'm trapped
crying and hiding

How long has it been?
Three?
Four?
Six?
Ten?
I don't even know anymore
and my eyelids are heavy
Mother and Father
please, be kinder
don't shut the door again and lock it

Knives that are sharp
please, be nicer
don't tarnish my skin any longer

She led him dead
He said "We bled"
She said “Not fed”

Despite all the fighting and hiding things
You're still the one that I want
so please don't leave
I'd be alone without you
and I know that I can't live without you
You're the air in my lungs
You're the only one I breathe for
I can't love without you
I can't live without you
I'm sorry for making you cry
I'm sorry that I just didn't try
I can't do anything right
and I know all I'm doing is starting a fight

Turning pages of unfinished pages
feelings of regret, sadness, numbness
all clashing together in blurs of colors and shapes
Whatever the problem is
it doesn't seem like it ever stops
Guts are spilling
From all the pressure
and the fear that surrounds the air
Crushing, unfolding into messes of my disfigured corpse
Eventually, I will become nothing more

The pain
the pain

the pain of it all it seems too much
but that's all I'll ever be exposed to
Everything just amounts to nothing
this feeling of being unsure
of whatever happiness could be anymore
Maybe I want to cry too
Maybe I want to be selfish for once
_________
"One hit for you and one hit for me"
_________
Continue?
>Yes or No
>y
__________

We're hiding our faces and crying
Behind all the debris from the destruction of our actions
that all amounted to empty words
Wanting to continue on
it's just the way it will work for us in the end
Not able to let go of you
and you not being able to let go of me

"Don't leave"
it all looks like a simple, pitiful cry for help
Doesn't it?
Even if it keeps on falling apart
I will, I will
always keep on loving you.

I was only holding onto fragments and shards of glass
Broken things that are beyond repair
Beyond what I am able to fix
You were drowning and gasping for air
You reached out to me
so I held on and got you out of there

I remember when I responded that "I love you"
and I thought I didn't know it
but it all just came out too fast
but I got rid of that thought
because I knew what I was doing

Did you know, my heart hurts so much
every single part of me that wants to love you
but all the pieces they didn't fit together
so I got a lot of self doubt about it
and I only caused you problems

Whatever the case was
whatever the problem was
I know I don't self doubt anymore
I can't get rid of my known feelings
and I know I'm just spilling out a bunch of nonsense
it never stays clear does it?
Saying something like that
and turning it all around
it's making everything
out of focus....
_____________
UNKNOWN ERROR
>A r e y  ou sur  e  you wa n t  to  q u it  ?
>YeS _ nO
> -/ -/ -/ -/ -/ -/
>DELETING PROGRESS / 100%
> Sh u  tt  in g d  ow   n  ERROR 21XXOEF7328H
________________

I've tried to tell myself that I'm a good person
but at the same time I don't feel like it
I've tried to understand these feelings I have
but it's hard
and I'm not sure what to use as an outlet
whether to hurt myself until I can't do it anymore
or constantly abuse substances that aren't good for my body
I want to stay asleep
but I have to keep going
because that's what we're told to do
"Follow the rules"
For some reason
despite wanting to feel normal
I can't be normal
I can't function correctly

I try everyday to be happy
yet I can't be
I can't choose to be happy
because everything says that it's wrong
my head says that I don't deserve it
and nobody understands that

I don't want it to wake up
the evil inside

My eyes start to swell
Tears were the only thing that fell
I always ask myself
What am I doing wrong
Because it seems as though
It's been this long

I've been swimming
Swimming through countless oceans
Trying to find a name
For my condition
I've sunk under waves
Trying to find my place
Trying to assure myself it'll be fine
Only to come across
No, it's not fine
It's not fine anymore and I can say it
I can say it with knowing
That everyday I'm turning
Far away into desolation
My eyes hurt
I want them to close
My heart aches
I want it to be ripped out
Thrown into a lake
But everyone else loves
This ugly mistake
Someone who shouldn't have been
Someone who was carried
Only not to be wanted

Alone I start to break
My memories all clash
The feeling of living slowly faded
From the blood in my veins
I cried out wanting it more and more
Asking God
Why did you save a wretch
Only for this world to break her neck

I think I want to disappear
she said that all I do
is disappear
it couldn't be anymore clear
that I'm not needed here
my fears
were what turned to be truth
all I needed was
to hear it from you
all I seem to do is run
but now I'm permanently faded away

All my life I've been told to do my best
and as the years go by
I  have failed to impress
it seems that I've become the one that they praise
and yet I'm failing algebra
and I am scared that they're going to put me down

I feel like I am falling into another hole
another hole that is empty
and filled with a lot of fears of mine
Maybe I have created this mess
this mess that I've been stuck in
for the longest time

I want everything to go away
I want to feel nothing at all
but I can't do that
I won't do that
because I am scared
I am scared of everything
even life and death

and it's nobody's fault
it's all my fault
it's all my fault
all my fault

i need you here
right beside me
for i cannot be
complete
without you
without you

i can't exist alone
i'm dying here
alone again
knowing inside
to let my walls fall

I love the way you smile
The way you look at me
Even when I don't see with my eyes

You have malice in your eyes
You're upset inside the fire
Or perhaps
You were the spark all along

All that I want to say
it doesn't make sense
does it?
Nothing reflects and it doesn't show correctly
but it doesn't matter I guess
nobody ever makes sense
and nobody ever listens
hardly anyone at all
The yelling and the screaming
it doesn't hurt
I am used to it
I wanted to
I wanted to
I wanted to scream
I wanted to tell you that I was hurting
but I couldn't
I had to fight with everything in me
just to bite my tongue
and to hold back all the tears
I wanted to say goodbye
and do it without saying it
but I couldn't
and I tried running
alas, I couldn't leave you behind
and I wanted to die
on that day
the day that everything had changed
it all became nothing
meaningless words
meaningless memories
of a family that used to be
but now can never be
not how it used to be
and it all never makes sense
it all just dies like yesterday
but it lives on like an insult that never leaves your brain
and that's the saddest part of it
the fact that pain stays
and happiness fades

I feel more aware
I can see it in the night air
They have ignorant thoughts
I am becoming less distraught
Understanding that
It wasn't just my fault

Let me let go of the pain inside
I'm not sure anymore
about anything
I guess I was the dime in the dozen
because you just picked up something else
new and far better

I'm sorry I'm the replaceable one
I didn't realize you were that shallow
and I'm glad I grew up finally

The waves crashing
against the shore
how it shines and sparkles
like small little crystals

When the moonlight falls
she dances in the shallows
where water meets her bare feet
she spins and then stops to curtsy
Getting back up, she walks father out
and she falls back
into the water she goes

down
down
down

The mermaid of the sea is she
a princess in the deep blue
Her pale, white skin
dots on her face and shoulders

Her fins glisten, sea blue
Her scales glow as her eyes look up
from below the water
up to the moon
Her hair flows around her
and she softly whispers
"One day, I'll see the sun"

Broken
a husk of an organism
a shell that is unable to be
but somehow is alive
breathing inside

Hollow eyes
empty streets
flooding into numbers
when the eyes are opened
it comes crashing in


you can't breathe
can you?

No one knows I cry in my sleep
I wake up feeling horrible
it is a normal procedure for me to feel like this
I'm feeling down
I want to stay home and never leave

Avoiding people isn't normal
but that's what I do for those I don't know
or anyone else I just can't be around
I'm scared of making conversation
and if there is a way around the crowd
I go away
even if it means going the long way somewhere

All my friends have somewhere to be
it's good for them
but I have nothing
I feel like I bother those around me
and I can't control how I feel

I sound mad and annoyed
but really that's my cry for help
my internal panicking keeps me from acting better

I stay up all night wondering why
I'm tired and nervous all the time
why I'm not important
I have so much time so I question everything

"It's just a phase in life"
"You can overcome it"
"Normally teens are prone to the emotions you feel"
"Why do you do this to yourself? Why make us worry?"

Oh well
why don't you tell me?

How long
Just how long
Until we can come together
Where there is no violence
No need to hate

How long
Just how long
Until there are no school shootings
No one is left behind
No one is discriminated
For simply being who they are

How long
How long will it be
When we are truly free

If I told you a lie
would you believe me?
Sincerely, I think that I wouldn't lie to hurt you
that was never my intention
and it hurts knowing
that I could hurt someone as you

I wanted to tell you
I did
but I couldn't make up the words to say it
I couldn't express myself truthfully
and you ended up thinking that I hated you
when that wasn't even close to it

I am a fire
a crying, burning liar
there's nothing
nothing else to blame
but myself

Every inch of me is charred
oh what happened to my heart
I'm about to fall apart

I found myself
hitting the ground

Strike a match
and watch it burn
I'll set the world ablaze
since I'm the one that you blame
watch it burn higher
You have scorched me
torn every inch of me apart

My name is not yours
so don't use it in vain
my heart is not yours
so do not bruise it
my life is not yours
so don't tell me how to live it

You never cared about me
so don't pretend like you do

you look me in the eyes
feels like the first time
all over again

inside of my head
I knew
I should have been dead
but then again
I didn't know you

now that I am with you
it feels like I knew you
the entire time

I think it's all too much
lately it's just been a rush
yelling to myself
"shush"
cannot speak about it
but I'm aching already
I don't know
if I'm starting to eternally bleed
these are the things
of which I cannot speak
I'm sorry if I came off strong
honestly I don't know where it comes from

lately I've just been in my feelings
trying not to say them out loud
but lately it just won't come out
bottle it up so they don't investigate
I'm trying fix all this self hate
the things that are around me just aren't great
can someone help with this self hate?
and not leave me there like an ingrate
sorry for all the things I can't complain
it's all in my head, right?
I can't even say it
so I bottle it up like it's nothing

I want to
break your bones
snap - snap - snap
hearing you cry
just like I have

Your guts spilling on the floor
in a pool of blood
my heart doesn't beat
and I don't dare speak
I hate you and I won't say it

You were dead
when you first laid your hands on me
I'm shaking while I break
sinking down in the bed
Awaiting my prolonged death

All that you seem to think is that I am perfect…
When I say that I am not
you try and prove me wrong.
It’s flattering
but if you take the time
and look back on how much I have hurt you
you would most likely say otherwise
I know you mean well
and I know you truly care
but why do you love me?  
What is it about me
that’s good enough for you?

These feelings, they grow strong for you
even though I know
that I don’t deserve you
I always have and always will love you
It’s just my insecurities and my self-hatred
I don’t like myself
and I try to put myself down
I get myself stuck
I don’t want to be like that
I don’t want to cause you problems
or make you leave me
I fear you’ll find someone a lot better than me
someone who you’ll love unconditionally
and looks a lot prettier
a lot better
who actually loves themselves
who will love you as much as I do
Maybe someone who is closer
who you can see everyday
and not have to wonder
‘Will I ever see her again?’
or
‘When is she coming back?’
Someone who is talented
beautiful
someone you can show the world
and she won’t be afraid
and she will be confident
loving
caring
everything you could ever ask for
Everything that I am not
She would be brave
she would stand tall
she would be ready
she wouldn’t be scared to open up

She would tell you everything
and never lie to you

Everything that I could only dream to be

You said it yourself
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Yes, but for how long?
How long until you get tired of me?
How long until you don’t want me?
How long until you notice
every single thing that
is ugly about me?
Until you see that I am not beautiful?
Until you see how much I need you?
How clingy I am?
  How complicated I can get?
It’s exhausting for you isn’t it?

You tell me how you are tired every single day
and yet you still make time for me

I guess it’s because I am not used to love
I am not used to having someone
care for me and actually take the time to listen
and to understand

When I first saw you
I had this feeling
this feeling that I can’t describe
and every time I still see you
or even message you
I still get those feelings
I want to grow with you
and experience new things with you
I don’t want anyone else at all
and I have chosen you to be the one
my only one

Even if you do decide to let me go
I will always love you
I won’t choose anyone else
because I know
that I couldn’t love anyone else
ever again
not the same

If you choose to love another
I will let you
...As long as you’re happy
I’m okay
as long as you live a better life

I’m sorry
  I can’t trust that someone
could actually fall in love with me
and I am sorry
that it had to be you
who is to endure my pain
I never wanted for you to get hurt
I never want you to feel like you’re worthless
or not able to fix it
I don’t want you to think that
I am only with you
to get rid of my problems
that’s not the type of person that I am.

I may not be able to tell you everything
or sometimes
even the truth of it all
everything inside my head
everything I used to be
everything I still am
But I can tell you now

I am not perfect
I don’t intend to be

This relentless world where
I am tormented beyond belief
However
here is an upside down Eden
Saying words that mean nothing
and those that cut in deep

A selfish heroine
with an immense taste
for her own medicine

Looking in the mirror
she said
"do you really represent justice?"

Fine lines
The same old lies
In your eyes

twisters inside my brain
feeling tired from the cold
withering in my bones- old

decaying and dissolving to ash
the colors begin to clash
red, orange and black
blue on my lips
i have lost my tricks

fire- endless as it burns
inside my chest
it engulfs me into flames
knowing there is shame

You whispered something inaudible
as you slipped away from me
The tears were slipping out

Remembering a summer day
where everything was tranquil and pure
Your eyes shone brighter that day
than any other

Mothers are compassionate
mothers are kind
they are the rock of their family
and raise their young

However, some mothers are not compassionate
nor are they kind
they can be selfish
they can be cruel

My mother is one of these
who constantly feeds such addictions
by using plants
and injecting herself with needles
and god knows what else

My mother never raised me
she forced her mother to
because she couldn't pass a drug test
her mother was compassionate
her mother was kind

she still is to this day
and I call her mine

cut me into pieces
rip me apart slowly
never thought it would be this way
where I feel so lonely
without you it feels cold
desolate as I float into space
you're my gravity
that pulls me back
in your arms
where I need to be

The words fall from your lips
My heart felt more broken
So I tore out my heart
And presented it to you
However it wasn't the best gesture
As you screamed and threw back
In my face
So I picked it up
Placed it back in my chest
I wasn't feeling the best
So I acted like I wasn't impressed
Not anymore by your beauty

my words are becoming stale
there isn't exactly a way for me to say it
at least not anymore
I'm taking a breath in
and letting them out slowly
hoping my heart reaches to you
tells you how much I need you

You breathed new life into my veins
the second you lifted me up
in your arms
holding me tightly
just never
please never let me go

The scars written on my skin
they bleed out
and they sink in

My lungs engulfed in flames
and the feeling of being enraged
settles down
resulting in sorrow

Tiredness isn't just physical
it's mentally shattering
my head filled with the wildest things
dreaming of floods and car crashes

Smoke flooding out of my mouth
and liquor coming in
causing me to be given bad coping
just to start it over again

I'm fighting with a mind

that doesn't feel like mine

When I look in the mirror
all I see is a lie...
A lie that has become a void of blackness
corruption..
It's the worst feeling
to hate the someone that is called "you"
It hurts your head
as the static becomes even more clear to you
The worst part is that nobody knows
and nobody seems to care

Could you tell me again what I did wrong?
I know I've done some things
but you should understand

Never hurt you once
at least not intentionally
and for that reason alone
I think you should understand

I tried to be good
and I tried to stay close
but I guess you never knew
who it was that protected you

now you ignore me
and don't answer in the same way
all because of one thing that I didn't mean to say
and I couldn't apologize "in time"

we have been friends for over twelve years
but I guess it doesn't matter to you anymore

you say you don't want
"fake people"
but listen, you're fake yourself
and you can't tell me that I'm wrong for this
because I've known you your whole life
and I know well that you like putting the blame on me
when you're stuck in deep

but this time I'm not going to save you
save yourself this time
and maybe you'll learn from this

that's why I don't care anymore
I'll take a step back
it's okay because I'm used to it
and I don't need anyone

I'll stand by you even after this
but not as close
because true friends stab you in the front
and not the back
I don't want to hurt again after this
and I'll let myself heal from all your inflictions
because the truth is
you never cared either
you just wanted to gain something from me

I am screaming inside
and nobody sees
I lash out
and everyone stares
I look at the floor
all I am is compared

Nobody else understands
and I'm stuck in a fight
that I didn't even start

My head is hurting
from all the negative thoughts
the stab wounds gashing at my cells
so tell me when its over
and I can breathe again

I've always been alone
and no one could understand
the way that I am

You're flawless
I am not
Go to somebody else
I couldn't come close to that
Alone in the dark
as you are no longer there

Motivation isn't as easy to find as it used to be
Smiling becomes broken and fake
It's harder to pay attention
I want the days to end
but at the same time
I want to really live