I cloud my mind
with thoughts of You
as I drive myself out of
and sometimes into

a crime of one
a conspiracy of two
one was in love
the other was too

this love was arbitrary
t'was asserted by both
this love was ordinary
a relation that quotes

the names of You and I
and of how we're meant to be,
how we were not to try,
and of how we'll always be.

nothing was really asserted
nothing is really true
it was just from me to myself
and how I'll always love You

and so I cloud my mind
with thoughts of You
to remind me of sanity
to deprive Me of truth.

And so I have lost you, and I have lost you fairly
Yet we gained a piece of each other
The end, those honest hours shared
A glimpse, a touch, a taste, of a temporary reality
A beautiful thing, made more precious by impermanence

Yet, something that we felt, since that first time
How can it be explained,
Chemistry paints too primitive a picture
To occupy, so much of the other,
When circumstance and situation should not have allowed

Existing on borrowed time,
As we found new ways to give time contusions
Almost always effortless despite obstacles, and stretched ethics
All or nothing, is everything anyone deserves
In our all, we may have found everything

Nothing is fairer, than something

i loved you quietly for years.
i didn't know i loved you or how much in fact that i was in love with you.
i should have guessed
when i started feeling dizzy when you would walk in a room.
or when my heart would skip a beat or two when you looked my way.
i should have guessed when i thought so hard for so long
about the moments our paths would cross.
and no matter how many times i told myself to look at you, to face you
my head bowed down at the second we would brush by each other
a habitual action of fear
of missing you and refusing to look at the face of lost love

now i see how much energy was put into holding myself back from loving you
and it makes sense as to why it was so difficult
i forced myself to look away from your speckled green eyes
i told myself not to love you, never to allow myself to love you.

Don’t text me when you’re drunk
Don’t even say my name when you’re high
Don’t think about me when you’re with her
Don’t reduce my worth to that

I haven't heard from you in a while
I haven't pulled out your picture and looked at it in ages
I haven't written poetry about you in a long time
I haven't been missing you

You used to be more interested in books than Ecstasy
You used to swear for no reason less
You used to be kinder
You used to be what you aren't anymore

I secretly hope you've looked at my picture once or twice
I secretly hope you'll text me again one day
I secretly hope you miss me just a little bit
I secretly hope that if you ever decide to "miss me" again I have the strength and courage to say "That's nice."

not "I miss you too"

I trusted you,
more than enough.
I had closure,
just not enough.
I was woman,
more than enough.
You had me,
just not enough.
You taught me,
more than enough.
I loved me,
just not enough.
I loved you,
more than enough.
You loved me,
just not enough.