Restlessness makes my nights sleepless
Overloaded thoughts make my lights stranded

My mirrored reflection affects my emotion
Finding the old me, now lost in the sea, never ending
Waves that never cease my ease, bewildering

Kisses pushes me to the dark,, hugs causes me to bark
Stars from far above filled this emptied love

Voices Rant, faceless haunt, memories taunt
Goodbyes are beginning, the ends are starting


© Pax

so i get this idea sometimes
that you enjoy being coy
when it comes to me
to conjure momentary spectacle
& make me wonder
if you paint catharsis
on the doors of a home
you've never lived in
as a memory of our first night together
because i do, i remember you
beaming white on blue
speaking softer than any storm
i ever knew, i often think that maybe
you live that night in your mind
when your pillow is cold
& you can't sleep, it makes me wonder
if you do as i do, and rewrite three years fictionally beginning with a kiss somewhere
maybe a balcony or a quiet car
on the sand or in a sunlit grove close to your home but always a familiar scar on the maps we know we know by heart
i wonder if sometimes
the idea of me loving you is too real
and if it teems under your tongue
to stay observant but distantly intrigued
if by this distance you think it safe
to get a dog and pass time
on the couch with a journal & some wine
what i really wanna know is if your fingernails ever wish to have my skin under them
or if they would boast
about winning a war with my headboard
i wonder if you can imagine me
meeting your parents in your apartment & shaking your fathers hand
as a first of many calloused palm readings
and if you know that i trembled before them
how insignificant i had felt
to not know their daughter
in the way i had envisioned
how i picture such poignant moments
so tangibly sharp that sometimes
i replace  my memories with little stories
i tell myself that i can't count on two hands
the number of times i've seen you
& that i don't feel like a crater
when i recollect our collisions
i want to know if you still find madness
in the words that have always been about you
i wanna know if your imagination of me
looks more like an anniversary or an obituary

My mom told me
That things don't hurt as bad
When you close your eyes.
So when I'm awake
At 3:28am
I close my eyes,
Listen to that song,
The one that sounds
Like your heart beat,
And try to let
the pain dissolve.
Two Thursdays ago,
When I put that phone
To my ear
And it echoed through
My body
That you were better off
Without me,
I felt my soul
Intertwine with emptiness.
And I have to wonder,
Were your eyes closed when you said it,
So it wouldn't hurt as bad?

If you believe you are worthless,
You are wrong.
Ask your friends and family—
Ask the ones around you.
They’ll be able to tell you
At least a little
Of how you’ve influenced them.
Maybe talking to you
Brightens their day.
Maybe they come to you
For advice.
Maybe you provide
That critical listening ear.
Maybe your smile
Puts them at ease.
Maybe you have brilliant ideas
That remind them to discard The Box.
I speak of all these Maybes,
But I leave it up to you
To find out exactly how
You’re needed
You’re wanted
You’re loved
You have worth.
Write them down.
Look at them again and again
When you’re hovering in the Void.
Maybe it won’t bring you out,
But maybe it’ll keep you
From falling further.

The
Mouth
Does
Say,
What the mind regrets too late..

I do not want my heart any more.
Its a burden, filled with grief.
I'm certain it wasn't like this before.
I want to be heartless; I need to feel relief.

Your memory tortures me everyday.
Your smile holds a tight grip on my eyes.
"Please! I just want you to go away,"
But my heart knows I'm full of lies

Are you entertained, watching me languish from above?
Do not worry for I will be seeing you soon, my love.

You told me you wanted to end it, to end what we had.
I closed my eyes and put on a wide smile; a look (you thought was) of relief.
In actuality,  I closed my eyes to block the tears and tried to breath in air between my teeth.