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 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Tom Leveille
whenever i hear a wind chime i think of your voice. i wonder what it's like to be your bedsheets. what it would really be like to understand the jargon in your head. i ******* want to kiss you sometimes and then others i really do want concrete between your hands & my skin. i can't think straight all the time so i wonder if it benefits me at all to explain what it means that i don't want or expect anything from you but if we accidentally liked eachother in that middle school "sort of way" then i wouldn't say no. i want to really understand what you mean when you say "stay" to me in our texts. i wonder if your sleeping pills do to you what they do to me. i'm thinking again about "stay" and maybe i'm choked up on you leaving for school up north but i'll never tell you because get the **** out of here and don't look back especially not for me. stay. your smile, genuine or not tears me in two. i wish every face on the planet had your smile and i am ******* afraid of you wearing lipstick. i'm terrified of your bare skin and goodbyes. i hate farewells and see you laters. i knew the first time i saw you interact on your phone while drinking coffee the way you text people and how i now do the same thing. i get around read receipts. i sometimes want to hear you say you want.. not so much me, maybe me, but my company. theres a park near my house where i've imagined us paddle boating. i got written up at work once for daydreaming about it. what the **** is in a friendship anyway, decency in a human isn't biological. i get hung up on knee jerks and gut reactions. i want to know what the ******* are thinking about when i look up and you are looking right at me. but then again, i don't. as long as i'm wondering. as long as the door might swing open or closed. stay. go. run. **** your collarbones. **** your chest and skin and lips and everything i hate but crave and might like about you without say so. stay. sit down and explain to me why it is that i care anyway. i am afraid that if i say i want to *******, you'll think i mean *******, and not "*******". i wanna know if any of this sounds familiar and i here i am back to wondering what the **** is going on and why you're looking at me. the hair on my neck stands on end when you do and another thing... **** poetry. i cloud my feelings for you & anything else with the abstract so you'll never really know if i ******* hit rock bottom or not over the fact that i know we will never kiss. somebody just said "**** buddy" on tv and i think sometimes symmetry between irony & circumstance. i have harbored some of these thoughts since the night you said hello to me. i'm sorry i had to get over the fact that once upon a time i wanted to save somebody, and you weren't going to let it be you. i do sometimes think my hands might break you, that you spend your day painting a picket fence in your head that you can't get on one side or the other on. i felt like you didn't want to get up from dinner and i rushed it out the door because i am afraid to start a sentence with so. so stay. i am sorry my words often wear brass knuckles. your smile shoots to **** and if i ever die while you still remember my name i want you to read this or read something at my funeral. i don't know if these butterflies are waiting for me to jump or sit down but they speak up when my phone lights up & it's you.
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Tom Leveille
i am seven and in your living room
with antiques & photographs
of family that are more like strangers
and handshakes at christmas
there is a jar of circus peanuts by the armchair
and i remember being told that these are here because they are never out of stock
and that they are the only things
children will not want to take from me

i still do not like the color orange.
i am eight and round the bannister
to an upstairs that reminds me
of heaven in that
place i can't go sort of way & i am
knuckle deep in your pumpkin pie
wiping it on my uncles suede jacket
our hands still shake but the jury is still out
on if he looks at me and napkins the same
i hope you do not sleep
with my apologies under your fingernails
i will not say them out loud
i know i should have mowed your lawn
i should have been a home
for second hand smoke
if i could go back i would be your ashtray
i remember the day you forgot who i was
i bound into the room and throw my arms
around you like an armistice
and you ask who i am
we are not in church
but everyone stops singing
i am passed from child to child
while we all laugh
but my lungs feel like
they've been mugged in an ally
who's son does he look like, mom?
my father says like gospel
you pull on your cigarette
sip from your watered down wine and shrug
and i am neck deep in forgetfulness
i imagine alzheimer's
as being born again every day
so, we will spend ages
looking at captions to photographs
telling your stories to strangers
as my father begins to forget
and when i imagine probate
an unfamiliar hand unfolding a will
to be read to wayward angels
i want to burn down the house
and sleep in the ashes
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Tom Leveille
2002:
today i kicked the door
to history off it's hinges
my jealous frame:
still too proud to say a word
it seems my folks forgot
to pencil in growth marks
cause they thought their boy
would never grow out of small breath
******* dead, years now buried
and i bare his name
too many syllables
for my father to go back
fish & play football
to stand in the yard and play catch

1994:
my mom, the bombshell in retrospect
broke her back in her sleep
a thousand times
since the stairwell in 87'
she still sits for spills
post nuclear about settling
now from the couch
she's a weather report
spouting nonsense
that makes my father
grow grey, crack remotes
& slam doors to dark rooms
abandoning ship
for "cheers" & "scienfeld"
while my mother
sometimes forgets
and sets his place at the table
and my appetite is abducted
by family photos
my mother says things like
"go see your brother today"
-- Johnny's long gone
don't you remember?
we buried him
the day your smile died

2014:
you are inches from me
******* a stray hair
caught in the fabric of your coat
the last remnants of a dog
we laid to rest last week
and here we are
in the hospital again
people don't shake like dogs
finality is found
in the eyes of humans
passing archways
into shallow rooms
where plague and prayer
are the only songs sung
round the stagnant clocks
it makes me wonder
if the clipboards cry
over being the last thing
someone ever writes on
take a number, have a seat
stay a while
i am back, 7 years old
& there are different doors now
they buried the ones
you kicked in that night in '92
when my lungs
were filled with holy water
you never stopped smoking
*i never grew out of asthma
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Louise
~~~

Her heart was broken by others
She caused her own scars along the way
her soul was carelessly destroyed
and she, abandoned, afraid
~
Her heart was broken by many
she felt so very alone
her pores absorbed anxiety
it's all that she has known
~
Her heart was broken too often
How does she continue to survive?
She tried to stand tall once
but had lost the sparkle in her eyes
~
Her heart was broken for the last time
the darkness engulfed her tiny frame
the blackness has all of her consumed
she will never rise again
~~~
This was written a while ago but was unfinished. It's turned out a little dark though lol
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
r
A book,
just pages
on leaves, whitened-
river washed,
dried then wettened again;
tears of words
torn from a heart-
his then mine, and mine again.

A book
of poems, written verse,
la poema-
the saddest lines of all,
but not all, no,
not all; not always.

Pages of Odes;
oh, the odes
to fruit,
to wine
and song
of the sea and mermaids;
the pages sing his songs.

A book
of heights
and stone,
he took us there-
a shovel in the sand;
of monuments
and ships
of drunken men and love
once loved,
and loved again.

Words
on silken thighs,
*******
and a red dress-
on a dark night
the stars and moon did shine.

A garden-
he planted a *****
into our hearts;
his dog,
it died
simply
loved too much-
Ai.

A book,
just a book
of pages,
of poems
by my bed-
dog-eared,
much read and loved;
his words ending
the saddest lines of all.

r ~ 8/15/14
\¥/\
|    Neruda
/ \
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Louise
Pain
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Louise
.....

This pain it has been written
so many times before
The frost now may be over
and I'm being warmed by this thaw

Can I pour my heart out
if everything's okay?
Will I find inspiration
if I've nothing left to say?

Is this beautiful creative past time
that's simply just for me
only permitted
if it's darkness I see?

...
Clearing out my notebook and found an old one. This was after a period when I wrote a lot of anger out. I wondered if I would have anything else to write about!!
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Lamb
Sometimes I look at you
And think What is love?
When you look at me
I feel as though you understand

You don't open the door for me
My eye twitches
And no one notices
What is love?

I wear the loveliest dress I own
Feeling as confident as can be
A glow of radiance upon my face
You tell me I look like a little child
My throat clenches
What is love?

Spent hours upon hours
On a gift for you
Hoping, praying it was enough
You smile
I get nothing in return
I brush it off
What is love?

I look for you in a crowd
Like the naive, foolish toddler
I have come to be
Caught in the waves
Of a sea of misconception
My heart leaps at your sight
My smile, wide as can be
You say I look at you strangely
My brow furrows
What is love?

I expect you to talk to me first
Because I want to feel loved
To believe I am wanted
I am impatient
How long must I linger?
Where I stand
Wallowing in solitude
I talk to you first
My head aches
What is love?

You tell me to wait for you
And I am tense
You ignore my anxiety
I would never ask such a thing of you
I don't want to be waiting
Waiting for someone
And to not live my life
I promise myself to never be so selfish
To ask something
And limit someone I love
A heat rushes across my cheeks
What is love?

I am tired
Drained of something
That I cannot begin to elucidate
Fatigued of justifying my emotions
My heart worn and feeble
Craving somewhat more
I try to describe to you
You make me feel foolish
Your indignant mind stupefies me
My teeth clench
What is love?

It has taken me far too long
To approach full awareness
To open my eyes
And recognize
I have not a clue
On the topic of love
For this is not love
Not even close
I punch a wall
*What is love?
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
Andrew Durst
For a moment,
        I'm right
            where
               I want
          to be.
      And I have everything
           I could ever
                  need.
8/9/14
 Aug 2014 antxthesis
lX0st
Sleep doesn't live here;
Just the monster
Under my bed
And the skeleton
In my closet
And your ghost
In my arms.
What a crowded room.
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