it's been a while since I spoke here last
I know who I am and who I want to be
And it's all thanks to you

every time I close my eyes I see your face and how crushed you were
every time I close my eyes I remember how shocked I was to see the tears running down your face
every time I close my eyes I replay those moments in my head
every time I close my eyes I feel the pain you felt as it radiated off you

I don't ever think I'll forget the way I felt when I hugged you and the way your voice sounded when you spoke. I'll never forget how, just for a moment, I was held, in your eyes, over your best friend.  I will never forget the way your reached out to me when I left. That kind of pain is crippling and I understand.

seeing you cry shook me and I'm not entirely stable yet

{KAH}

I miss you
i miss the way you'd insist on checking on me twice a day
i miss your kind words and encouragement and your willingness to be there for me no matter what.
i miss the way I felt about you.
i miss the way my heart would stop when i'd talk to you
I miss the way you held me for so long, not wanting to let go
I miss how easy it was between us

I miss you.

{KAH}

i love too much
fall too fast
assure too quickly
that i'm okay
but the truth is
i'm not
i haven't been okay for 5 years
i ask all the time if people are okay
because i don't want them to feel the way i do
but the thing is
people forget to ask me the same thing
and when they do, i lie.

{KAH}

i haven't been clean in 5 years
5 straight years of "you're pathetic" "you're worthless" "you're ugly" have torn me down and made me dead inside.
they say that self harm is asking for attention.
what they forget is that scars aren't always physical.
they're mental too.

{KAH}

I miss you every day.
But I swear I don't love you any more.
I hear you in every note of those songs.
I see you in his eyes.
I still feel your light touch on my arm.
I still remember the way your hands floated across the keys, so silent and sure.
But I swear I don't love you any more.

We never could have worked.
I never would have been good enough for you.
You never would have loved me the way I used to love you... the way I still feel about you.

But I swear I don't love you any more.

{KAH}

I saw the gleam of love and acceptance in your eyes
and in that moment my heart melted and I knew it would be okay
I still remember what it feels like to be pressed against your side

{KAH}

every single time I open myself up I end up ******* things up
I'm too open, too honest, too naïve, too ignorant for things to actually work out
every time I open myself up I'm just taken down from the inside again
but not by him
by me

{KAH}

i see the sadness in your eyes when you think no one is looking
and my insides are screaming because there is n o t h i n g i can do
the way you curl up to protect yourself
i know that feeling
i k n o w
because i feel it every single day of my life
i still the way you felt against me
locked in your arms i've never felt so safe

{KAH}

she wakes in the morning to the glow of the sun, hoping that today will be different.
but she sits up and the exhaustion sets in. her bones ache and her limbs tremble.
i suppose that's a side effect from fighting your demons all night.

{KAH}

every time I'm around you I see your glow.
your smile brightens the world around me and your happiness is infectious.
i've never felt so safe in anyone else's embrace.
i hear your voice in my ear and the way your face looked when you saw me for the first time in a month.
fleeting moments, stolen glances, feeling your breath synchronize with mine when you're next to me-
but you don't feel the same way.
what else is new?

{KAH}

i can't believe that for so long
i actually thought that message meant me
it never could have meant me
she's nicer
prettier
kinder
happier
everything that i am not
and the worst part?
i see why you love her and not me
i am bitter
uglier
sadder
everything that she is not

{KAH}

she's lost count of how many times she's felt shattered and broken
it's to the point where the shards stick to the inside of her ribs and crackle every time she breathes
she supposes that by now she should've learned to mend herself
but she's waiting for the moment where the dust inside her will clump back together, heat up, and become glass again

{KAH}