I have never felt home anywhere
Before I met him
Not at my childhood home, not in my parents bedroom
My first home was him
The presence who cures my insomnia was him
Wherever he was, it was the safest place I could be

I think, no matter how long time has passed,
And how much life happened in between,
His arms would always be my lost sanctuary
I think, that even though I know,
How dysfunctional that relationship was in the outside world
I felt the most comfortable in that little 18 sqm room cramped with furnitures
When it was just the two of us
In that tiny little apartment where our love grew and died
I think, that even though I know,
The future is clear and it won’t be us in the end,
It can still be dangerously easy for me
To slip back in to my old comfort zone and heartache

Seeing him a few moons ago reminded me of that
I’m good on my own
But I think,
If he’d pull me into his arms
I honestly would still
Even after all this time
And bad blood
Not be able to push him away

That’s how it always was with us
How every separation made me bitter and detached
But the moment he steps into my house,
I always give in
That’s how it always was with us
And he knows that
He knew me the best for a significant period of time, after all

this was the first time i stayed until the very end
my foot's been halfway out the door for the longest time
but i stayed until the door was shut behind me

i was always the person who leaves first
because i cannot stand being abandoned
but this time, i promised myself to stay
even though i knew there was no use in staying

i keep waiting for the realization to sink in
the fact that i don't have you anymore
i thought i would be sadder than this
but we were the kind of movie that keeps you
on the edge of your seat for hours
and leave you disappointed in the end

everytime i start to think that maybe
i could've done something different
i see that it would be no use
your life is not yours
and even if it was yours
me trying still wouldn't fix us

everytime i see us happy, laughing hopefully,
the facade breaks
and i see each time we hurt each other
i see each time our wants clash

i see me being happy that the sun's out
and wanting to sit outside
and bask in the warm light
then i hear you saying no with that disapproving voice
and see you walk inside immediately
of course i would follow you
i'd follow you everywhere
even when my heart sank

people say you already like somebody else now
and it honestly doesn't hurt me that much
i see very clearly that we are not meant to be
that even if we meet again five years from now
it still would not be us in the end

i don't feel sorry for myself if you have somebody else
because i see the reality of what it was like
being with you for four years
even though some of it was happy and comfortable
it was never the kind of love that i wanted

the lesson i've learned from this is that:
you can't force love
you can't force two incompatible persons to be together
it just
won't work

the place i spend most of my nights in - that's not where my home is.
my home is in the beat of your heart, pounding softly against my ear. my home is in your arms.
and i know. i know people aren't supposed to be homes.
but i can't help it.

sometimes i wonder if we'll make it -
after all the misscomunications that leads to fights
that leads to tears that at the end
always ends up with us tangled
around each other.

i swear sometimes my anxieties, insecurities
and monsters got the best of me
and turned me into a villain
and break his heart over and over again
"there's a thin line between
loyalty and stupidity"
i always tell him
but still he stays
and still he fights for us

"i do this because i love you. that's it.
i love you and your difficulities.
i love you because you're the best
thing that has ever happened to me
and i want to be with you forever,"
he says.

forever.
what a silly word.

at the end i do love him, though,
i love him with all my soul.
i can lie to myself and say that
it's better for him to be apart from me -
but i want him.

at the end of the day,
i'd still kiss his forehead and
hug him in his sleep.

i know i do love him, though,
because even in my madness
and carelessness
i still don't want to leave
and when i've upset him too much,
even with my stubborn pride,
i'd hug him
still mad
but walls crumbling by the seconds.

Love wasn't how I imagined it was.
Love wasn't like those romance books I read.
Love is complicated but trying.
Love wasn't all happiness and butterflies.
Love is sometimes fighting, wanting to run away but knowing everything is still better when standing by their side.
Love didn't mean you won't ever be alone again.
Love is sometimes lonely, lying in your own bed, willing time to go faster.
Love is sometimes being alone because you know you can't ask them to be there with you all the time.
Love didn't cure my sadness.
Love comforted it.
Love is trying to understand and understanding even when it's breaking your heart.
Love wasn't easy.
Love is hard.
Love isn't what I wanted, but love is enough.
Love cares.
Love loves.
Love isn't perfect but it is still beautiful.