I thought I wanted
To numb the pain
But I was wrong
I can’t feel anything
No desire to live
No desire to die
No desire at all
I can’t feel
And it’s so much worse
Than feeling pain
Every breath is forced
Every heartbeat plain
This isn’t right
Something’s wrong
With me
And that fear
Is the only thing
That I can feel
So I savor it
So I stimulate it
So I simulate it
Amidst the emptiness
Of existence

i dread the day you learn
for the first time that
you can't just love all
the darkness in me away

and no matter how much
you care i will still toss
and turn at night and scars
might still appear on my skin

i dread the day you realize
that you can't cure me
and sometimes all you can do
is stand next to me and
hold my hand through fog
pouring out of my ears so black
and thick we can't even see
each other's faces

i dread the days i can't
get out of bed
the days you want to
take me out and all
i can manage is a prettified
shell of myself

i dread the day you learn
that sometimes no matter
how hard i try i still can't
pull myself together

the day you learn that
there isn't an answer
you can give that will
save me from my fears

you aren't the first person
who has tried to love the
darkness inside away
my family and friends
have given it their all
but someday you too will learn
that if love could
cure mental illness
the world would be
a much better place

some days
i miss the psych ward
being away
from society
left with only
my demons

not being able
to be hurt by
anyone there

i wish
i could find
that comfortability
out in the real world
instead of hiding away
in these locked away rooms

There were days
I remembered
To put my heart on my sleeve.

The other days
I hid it
So deep inside my body
I couldn’t find it for myself.

The terror of anyone finding
Me judging me
Seemed to linger in the air
I inhaled.