After years of
Constant self-abuse
I've finally reached
My breaking point
And I don't think
Superglue will
Do this time

I can't quite remember
the moment
everything
shifted

when I stopped waking up
feeling anything but tired
or when I stopped going to sleep
praying for anything but the end

maybe it was the day you left
physically, I mean
or perhaps the weeks leading up
the weeks that numbed me to my bones

perhaps it was the months that followed
and the way little parts of me
seemed to just
drift away

I stopped looking both ways
while crossing a busy road
stopped being careful
while walking alone in public

I didn't notice when I stopped running
to the safety of my bed once the lights went out
instead I slowly wandered through the house
no longer afraid of the dark or what it could hide

because what can a car
or a creep
or the dark, where my fears would once reap
do that will ever compare to the way
you broke me

The worlds no longer bright
Our sun has been banished
The moon hidden behind the clouds
World wide power outage
All lights gone out

She stands infront of my path
as it to get my attention.
I pretend to fumble with my planner
and I walk past her.
I hear their laughs over the crowd.
They’re laughing at me, aren’t they?

But I have my planner dog eared.
I was already open on this week.
I was fumbling purposefully with last week.
I knew exactly what she was doing.
And I purposefully ignored her.
Why do I hate her so much?
Why am I so non-verbal when I feel sad?

Fat, fat, fat.
All I see is fat.
I am the "chunkiest", the "chubbiest", the "roundest" and the "ugly pig".
I might as well be a rat, the biggest of the big.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "just right", "average", "normal" or "perfect size."
They lie every single time, and hell, just 'like that'.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "too skinny!", "I wish I looked like you", "wow! Size zero jeans?!" and "underweight".
Yet, I refuse to touch this cold, stocked plate.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "awful", "dying", Miss "eat something" and "throne of bones".
Yet, this body will never be my souls rightful home.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I ever will be is fat.
Even in a long gown and stuck to the end of an I.V pole,
With doctors and psychatrists and loved ones crying and begging me to just "recover, please come home!"

I am still fat.


The hospital bed is empty,
My bed is left untouched,
There is a silence as the wearers in black all sob and stare silently at the body in the ground.
Devasted and hushed...

I see them, but can no longer speak.
No longer able to feel, no longer live,
Forced to watch time pass and hearts mourn...
Their days now heartbroken and bleak.

My  best friend doesn't speak, she now sits alone,
My mother sobs every night, family reminded
so often of my presence,
The one who secrelty loved me has loved no more,
Even my pets still wait outside my door.

Those who knew me, only can remember me in the things left behind,
Even the sun itself rarely shines.


Dead, lost, gone.
I am no longer fat,
But I also no longer- belong.

Skinny feels
Not like people think,
Bony, awkward, too lean
Bones protruding,
No more curves
Thin limbs, skinny hurts
Eat like a bottomless pit
Look in a mirror
Feel like ****
Skinny means no *****
No ****, no hips
Skinny isn't muscular
It's the opposite if ripped
It's slouching in the hall
Pointy elbows and knees
Loose pants, shirts
No matter how much you eat
Skinny means
Feeling like a stick
Skinny can make anyone
Look small and sick
Skinny gives the impression
Of weak, shaky frames
Skinny makes me regret
The middle school nicknames
Skinny shouldn't be a goal
Thank God
If you look full and whole
Making feel as good as dirt
Everyone out there,
I promise. *skinny hurts

So amusing
just abusive
Words are blessings
in disguise

Pierce right
through me
Words of violence
deceitfully

Vows are choking
Only to be broken
Leaving pleasures
to blame


Just like
the viloence
the silence comes
crashing down

So amusing
Just abusive
Words are blessings
in disguise