I like it when you whisper in my ear
"You like that baby?"
Your hands touch me and I can't help but make sounds of pleasure
The way you grab my hip, push me down and press your lips against mine. Glancing at me with passion as you slip your hands down my pants making me want more. Don't think I don't like when you tease the **** out of me. When you take control and rip my pants off. My legs wrapped around your head begging for more. Taking my hands and grabbing that thick black hair of yours pushing you farther in. Getting you on top of me is like a summer night so hot but you can't go inside and cool off cause that summer heat controls you. I think my way of being ***** is when I breath into your ear and bite ever so softly on it. Although I like you ******* the **** out of me all I want is you in my arms falling asleep with me.

I sometimes look back
And reminisce on the days of 'us'
When your eyes weren't as cold
When you still cared

But then I look closely
And realization washes over me--
I was fooling myself all along
Because really, you never cared at all

What's the difference of being in love and wanted to be with him for all of entirety? Is it that I want to be as happy as I was a year ago on the 19th or is it that the only reason I look into your eyes is because I see and smell home. Safe, taking these bloodly arms and making them hole and new again. If you plan to leave then never tell me. Leave in silence never tell me that you want something new or I don't shine in your eyes anymore. Only tell me that you want to lay with me forever and the nightmares are gone as soon as I touched your chest. I think I'm in love. But why I'm I so afraid to Admit that? Is it cause I don't want to wake up and you be gone away with someone else's heart? I don't want my heart to be open and have to cut and tear away at it just to make the pain stop again. No I won't do it. Your different. Your eyes tell me that. Your eyes are everything I've ever wanted. Your so close to me and I just can't help but always touch you in someway. I Don't wanna be scared to open my heart and let someone new crawl in. I'm Not scared anymore. I love you no, I'm in love with you and I'll will tell you when your as close to me as you are right now. There's a difference of being in love and loving someone. The way your eyes look at me when I'm turned away is the reason I know you don't ever wanna leave. I hope mine look the same to you cause darling, if I stay I'm staying forever.

I wish I could clap my hands and close my eyes and wake up seven again.
I want to change it all. I think seven the perfect age to start again. I would not be so shy and quite. I would have gone to the party's I was invited to and be young and make new friends. I wouldn't have been so scared of life. To live. I always thought to much and as a child I should of been carefree. Laughed and ran in the woods at camp with Sam just cause we could of. Worked harder for things and not just do it cause it was the easy way. Softball seasons started and I wanted to be on the team so bad but never tried out. Didn't ride on the Roller coaster with Marshall cause I was shy and scared of both him and the ride. Didn't go to my prom after his asked me and I ignored him every single time or the last dance. Never got high on the trail behide the mall after school. Never did anything to look back and say yes I had the time of my life when I was a child. I had openings and offers be never did. Never did anything. Anything to be proud of. I feel like I'm nothing and the 19 years have been **** and I don't like it. I don't like that I sit in my room as the world is out there and is moving. I don't like that I have no body in my life to call a friend. I don't like that I have done nothing with myself and I'm a waste of a human. I don't want to work for a body I've been dreaming of when I could of had it if I changed or did one little thing in the past. I don't like where I am or where I'm going so why keep on trying to be something when I'm going to be nothing?

Can you give someone your whole body but still be afraid for them to touch you? If loving someone through thick and thin was true then why is that such a big deal? I'm sick and your helping. Your sick and I'm helping. I remember when the sun wasn't so bright when I looked at it. I haven't wrote in a while. Does that mean I'm happy? I only write when I'm unhappy. I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm not happy. What is happiness? Is happiness being with you? Is happiness when I see something or hear something I love? Is happiness just waking up in the morning alive and well? I think happiness is kinda crap. But I would say I'm content. I'm different then 2 years ago and I know that. I'm not better. Not worst. But different. Being happy is what I believe only children can be. Nobody's really happy. But content. Content with life. I'm not so scared anymore about being alone. It's not a fear I have anymore. Was it ever? I never was really alone other then lonely. But aren't we all lonely? Maybe. I don't mind being alone but Id rather be with you. Being with you is better then a lot of things. I don't think I ever wanted to touch someone as much as I love touching you. It's been 4 months since I've touch a blade and your really the only thing to thank for that. I think that's weird that your the only reason I won't touch one. Sure I would love to and honestly some nights I feel like I could and don't know why. Maybe I miss it. But I won't cause you would hate me. And I love you far to much. That's the past and I'm trying to keep it there. I'm trying to keep a lot of things in the past. The past is such a tricky thing. It can creep up on you and make you think of the stupidest smallest things. But they can hurt like hell. I try not to miss things from my past cause I can't go Back. So what's the point of missing things you can't have? And maybe I don't want them back cause they made me the person I am today and I don't like myself. I wish I was different though. Happier, pretty all that good stuff every 19 year old girl wants. I kinda hate getting told I'm pretty. And I kinda hate the fact that I still feel the need to be sad. I guess you can't change everything about yourself. I haven't cried in such a long time. I think it's okay to cry once and a while. Crying always helped. But I can't seem to cry and I'm okay with that. Crying is a sign that your body tried and can't be as strong as it think it is. And that's okay. You can't be strong everyday. Breaking down and crying is fine. I haven't been awake this late in such a long time. It's cause I have you holding me every night now. I really don't think a lot anymore at night and I'm okay with that. Night thoughts are the worst. Your far away from me tonight. But your right next to me. I can see the moon from my window and I love that. But lately I'd rather look at you.

I promise you the fight with yourself does not last forever.