dear feet, I am sorry for dragging you around all this years
I am sorry that you never got the chance to feel the up and down motion known as a happy walk
dear legs, I am sorry for hurting you
I am sorry for leaving scars on your beautiful skin, I am sorry that I look at your marks of growth with disdain
dear hips, I am sorry for always squeezing you
I am sorry that when my pants are too small I still force you in
dear stomach, I am sorry for hating you
I am sorry for pinching and hiding you away
dear lungs, I am sorry for making your job harder
I am sorry to trying to poison you by standing too close to my uncle and his cigarettes
dear fingers, I am sorry for always scrubbing you too hard
I am sorry that I twist you all around when I am scare
dear hands, I am sorry for making you hurt me
I am sorry for making you scar my arms and legs
dear arms, I am sorry for pinching the skin on you
I am sorry for being disappointed in the fact that my bone isn't replacing the skin
dear shoulders, I am sorry for keeping a weight on you
I am sorry that you have never relaxed
dear face, I am sorry for covering you up
I am sorry for not loving the freckles that make me, me
dear lips, I am sorry for making you bleed
I am sorry that I bite you until you bleed
dear hair, I am sorry for chopping you off every time you begin to grow
I am sorry that you can't be long because I am scared of new things
dear body, I am sorry
I am sorry I don't love you but I am trying
I am trying to love you

Dear Little Me
I am the only one allowed to call you little, if anyone else tries to, stand up fill your stomach with air and laugh
Laugh because you can and when they ask you why you are laughing say because I know I'm not
When the boys glare at you for answering every question correctly
glare right back make sure they know what a strong smart girl looks like
they will be scared
they will act out but you will always be smarter as long as you don't engage them
When you go camp that first year, don't be ashamed about crying because you're scared
remember those tears are washing away the dirt you got everywhere dragging your bag to your cabin
when your best friend finds someone new you are allowed to cry you are allowed to scream into your pillow but you are not allowed to yell at them
when you get thrown into lockers you are allowed to poke at your bruises

Dear you
you who never turns down a warm cookie
you who always gets chocolate right...there
you who decided when you were six you were the next president
you who decided others rules were just guidelines
you who decided you wanted to be a ninja turtle when you were 12
you who never seems to be able to pin back that piece of hair that is always in your eyes
you who decided the world was your playground
that is you
not this person who can't find a reason to go on
not this person who looks at your best friend with empty eyes
not this person who has to ask permission to speak their mind
not this person who can't remember the last time they felt warm inside
that isn't you and never will be
so please just remember I know you
the real you
so dear you I love you, the one who loves candy at 2 in the morning and can't decide whether ice cream or cake is better

I can't remember the last time I chose who I was
I am always the girl everyone says I am
They called me sweet so I turned my hair to cotton candy
They told me I was innocent so I hid my body
They said I was understanding so I threw my thoughts in the trash
They whispered I was empathetic so I sent my feelings away
They called me cheery so I pinned the tips of my lips to my ears
They told me I was friendly so I decided to pretend I wasn't scared to say hi
They said I was fair so I made myself blind
They whispered I had changed so I felt myself crumble
They yelled at me what to be and when I wasn't perfect they started over
They ate my cotton candy
They ripped my clothes away
They dug my thoughts out of the trash
They called my feelings and brought them back
They tore my lips from my ears
They scared me into not wanting to say hi anymore
They gave me glasses
They stopped 'fixing' me
Now that they've stopped I don't know who I am
Am I still sweet, innocent, understanding, empathetic, cheery, friendly, and fair?
I don't know who I am now that they've stopped telling me
Maybe I'm nothing
Maybe I'm everything
I don't know what or who I am now
I need someone to tell me
I miss who I was pre-them
I miss who I was post-them
I don't know who I am
Who I'm supposed to be
or
My identity

It's interesting really that everyone says goodbye at the end of a conversation yet when it comes to life no one every says goodbye

When your heart stopped beating I wonder if I flashed through your mind. Did all the times we laughed go through your mind? It's not fair Grandpa you get to hangout in heaven without a hole missing in your heart

I have to walk around each day without you and I don't know how I do it because my whole expands a little bit each year. Every December 17th I feel my eyes start to moisten with tears that I haven't let out since the year before

You may see a vacant lot
Where a building has burned down
But I see a garden spot
With flowers growing all around.
And maybe a bench to sit
A take a while to appreciate
What can be done by people
With loving energy to dedicate.

You may see an empty field
Overrun by neglect and weeds.
But, I see a garden here,
And care is really all it needs.
Maybe some cutting back
And of course, a lot of water.
But time and compassion
Is what will ultimately matter.

Realtors may calculate
The money to make from this land
But, I see a garden
That needs some helping hands.
Maybe some cows can graze
Or a pretty little babbling brook.
A place of nature’s bounty
Like out of a wonderful storybook.

Do we need one more store,
Or one more fast food restaurant?
Maybe some serenity is
What people of the world really want.
Some may see a patch of dirt
And not much more than fallow earth.
As for me, I see a garden.
A bit of paradise right here on earth.

(This was written for and about Bette Midler.)