“why dont you ever give us your opinion?”
opinions? MY opinions?
why would I even bother?
when my voice wont even resonate through your ears,
and my words wont even be enough to reach your brain,
including your eyes,
your eyes were looking through mine,
though in fact you’re not digesting my words, but yours.

I cannot die but I'm not living either,
but mom;
tell me,
if I do well today,
am I going to live tomorrow?

if you are to be at my funeral,
don’t forget to throw,
any flowers you know,
so;
at least my mom will realise that i’ve lived a good life with people.

everything starts to have meaning,
when it’s already gone.

He’s calling me,
anywhere at any time,
in the broad daylight,
or in the darkest night,
where i should see the stars,
shining darker than what i've seen,
flowing with elegance,
making sound like no other,
he’s laughing at me,
saying “you’ve lost”.

since the world is trying to keep us apart,
then;
we shall try again in heaven.

i try,i pour,
even though all the words dryer than my tongue,
even when my soul is at the edge of crying,
i try,i pour,
every single of words at the end of my lips,
every single tears from my eyes,
every single soul i wish to cry,
every single message i wish to try,
but,
i am the one,
who loves to try,
even when the message is beyond reach.

i do believe in miracle,
how can i not?
when here i am,
laying on my sofa,
thinking of my existence,
while writing this,
when someone could be at the brink of death;
but i also don’t believe in miracle,
i mean how can i not?
when i was stranded at the side of the road,
waving for someone,
when i all hear is sounds of toad,
thinking “oh there should be at least someone or anyone!”,
well,
i tell you what,
i guess miracle can be achieved if you believe in what you believed,
confusing?
think again,
all these paths to your growth,
how much miracles have passed?
right?

mom,
i wish you knew,
how i cried myself at night,
wanting someone to hug me so dearly,
as i shuddered myself being consumed by the darkness,
the darkness with no ray of hope nor trace of light,
those sacred words that came from an imbecile's mouth,
struck my fragile heart,
those nightmares kept on haunting me,
as if it happened yesterday,
how i wish,
you could wrap me in your arms with warmth,
a warmth that no one could proffer.

-afi-

Every time i walk past a mirror,
i notice something’s following me,
even when the sun is bright,
or even when the moon is dim,
it was my own darkness following me.

loving you,
is like playing with fire,
the closer I am,
the more I burn,
the farther I am,
the colder you act towards me,
but still I love you.

eyes widen,
tears fallen,
smile faded,
hands trembled,
knees weaken
"there's no...no way that's him?
the one that collapsed onto my arm?
from 3 years ago?"


he looked into my eyes with confusion
and said, "are you okay miss?"

am I?
am I supposed to be okay right now?
how can he forget about me,
I get it if it's anyone else,
but me?
who is he?
no.. more like, what is he?

“i miss you”,
how should i say,
that you only miss my company,
darling.
i thought to myself while my mouth,
slipping an “i miss you too” with a smile.

i guess,
this is the end,
might not be the end,
but at least deep down,
we knew,
we outgrown each other,
just like the **** outgrown its plant,
and how parasite outgrown its host,
both are harmful,
but us; outgrowing each other?
i think it’s for the best,
for your sanity and mine,
we both did our best,
but letting go was easier than holding on,
at last, i will abide your final goodbye.

think, think, think, think,
keep thinking,
in this endless tunnel of mind,
of what so called "hope",
but more like hopeless,
to even think about.

parallel line?
no, we were always the perpendicular line,
two line that intercepts each other,
a paradoxical line that makes no sense of both,
but yet still together in all idleness,
just like us;
we intercept with each other’s life,
existing along the interception,
but; at the wrong time,
and at the wrong axis where you and i,
now absolutely detest each other,
but still we’ll be together,
living against the interception,
because we will always be;
a perpendicular line.

only today,
i have come to realise,
that only love;
can heal and break people.

The fire in his eyes;
brought me back to life,
The darkness in his soul,
left me broken despite;
knowing the risk of every single tide.

But answer me ***,
If joy can make me less miserable,
Can you be the guide along with riding this rollercoaster ride?

I'm writing on my notes religiously
waiting someone to forgive all of my sins
that could never be forgiven
waiting someone to notice
how a sinner I am.

I will be the one who lit up our thread
by making a blazing flame
that you could not even
water with tears

"some things are better left unsaid,
like the way you were hurting me,
and the way you look into my eyes everyday,
as if i'm going to disappear."

some things are better left unsaid,
like hurting her was my biggest regret,
and her gleaming eyes that kept me sane everyday,
as if you are going to leave me.

some things are better left unsaid,
like our unsent letters,
and the way your actions affect my daily life,
as if we are not going to last.

some things are better left unsaid,
like our tragic love story,
where you disappear,
without saying goodbye to me nor to the world.

and some things are better left unsaid,
like how you were my only last string.

if only tears can talk,
maybe it can speak for the things
that i shut myself for.

The ties wont be severed,
No matter how miles I run,
The bond wont ever be cut,
No matter how grasp the word freedom,
because;
your blood runs through mine,
and never have I ever had asked for it.

time is indeed cruel,
it passed and it passed,
not a second late,
and not a second early,
time is indeed cruel,
because then i wouldn’t lost you.

i am too full of loves,
even though i give it for free to lavish,
but still;
i am too full of loves.

parallel or lateral,
there was always you,
at one point,
from one axis,
to another axis,
where I am not sure if you even exist.

i always feel the urge for people to understand me,
so, they wont misunderstand me,
in a way i feel like im being eaten up alive and ridiculed,
but also;
it’s not their fault for not understanding,
because i also realize,
i did nothing in my power to understand them.

by the time you feel regret,
your cries has no meaning,
and your victories will gain nothing.

"I like your eyes",
I know in fact he did not,
because deep in my brown iris,
all he could see is himself,
and he likes it,
so much.

all these stars passing by,
when i just need the moon.

for god's know when,
how much i tried,
and how much i loved.

i feel like if i am really vulnerable,
i would actually try doing something that isnt so me,
i would try all the ***** i despised,
drugs, smoke, sell myself, and back to self-harm again even,
i would actually do it,
but in the back of my mind,
i could see a version of me,
being disappointed of myself,
when they found out,
their faces of disgust and disappointment,
i would rather die in a second than seeing that;
or am i the only who are just expecting too much?

i think i’m going to take a break,
from writing,
as if i’ve been writing for too long,

well,
until i fall in love again with writing,
i will keep writing,
as if my pen won't run out of ink,
and my fingers won't stop typing.

welcome aboard,
a tough ride of a slump!