Oh, look I am doomed!
standing in front someone whom I used to call my Moon,
I'm wondering if this is true?
that you used to love me like you never do.

graze my pain like the shard,
because you said it was not that hard,
to die and seek bliss,
in your arms I have found peace.

oh what is it that i love about people?
not people, him to be exact;
a day pass by and another week come closer to my existence,

i keep reminding myself,
that it is a fleeting moment,
i need to find a flaw on you, for me to find closure on myself,
so i, would not fall in another trap and another game of mine,

a week pass by, and a new month greets my eyes,
i am still pondering on how and what did i fall for, in you?
is it by interlocking our eyes while we share our laughter,
or is it the comfort that you gave me while making conversation to me?

oh once more, i have made a fool out of myself,
to fall for someone at a first sight? absurd!
but i know, fate would not let us meet again sooner,
however now, i am missing you still,
and i will bury this feeling inside my grave.

she screamed my name so loud,
never once i felt my world crumbled,
i don’t know whether it’s terror or anger that i felt,
because in that eyes,
i can clearly see,
that her hate is bigger than love,
that her hate is louder than her voice,
just because I simply was late to her calling.

i don’t care if I lost myself,
for you to search yourself;



but i do owe an apology,
do i?

oh please god,
forbid me from feeling dejected,
from the way I see it,
I am slaughtering myself,
skin by skin, layer by layer,
without a call of mercy,
deep inside my chambers of Heart,
so never again;
I would bear
any agonising pain,
that would take the life of me.

As i keep on walking aimlessly,
under the shimmering lights,
with a lot of thoughts on my mind,
i noticed a solitary figure,
under the lamp post,
what a face i saw that day,
gloomy yet soothing expression was looking at me,
a face that put me at ease,
i chuckled while saying "ah,so this is what a warmth without physical touch feels like" to myself,
i wish i can froze and captured those moment,
a warmth that i could ever forget,
i passed by him,
while hoping that we could meet again someday,
in the future.

-afi-

in my next life,
i want to be a man,
not because i have more benefits in patriarchal social,
maybe that’s one thing,
but no;
i simply want to experience being loved by women as a man,
because that is the real privilege.

In the amidst of fears and tears,
im walking solely towards unknown abyss,
sudden,i profound something beautiful,
nothing,but;
a walking beautiful chaos.

im sorry mom,
but;
i would like to see,
the terror in your eyes,
when i break that smile,
just the way you did to mine,
from years ago.

her lips are red;
but overflowing,
barcodes on her wrists;
to scan self worth,
her hair is no longer long
nor smooth,
these purples and blues on her back;
has been a map of memories,
those crimson red nails
suits her the most,
that smile on her red lips,
oh so beautiful,
oh a beautiful wreck.

"I like men",
is what I want my mom to believe,
"I already forget about her",
is what I want to believe,

sincerely,
her.

you used to greet me with “hi”
but now;
you greet me with “goodbye”

in the silence,
i can hear something is shattering,
but it’s not the glass,
from the table,
nor from the kitchen,
what is it?
its turning into dust and debris,
all over the place,
but blinded by eyes,
and silence at mouths.

if life is a canvas,
why'd you paint it black?

painted it black,
with elegance,
resembles as my pain flowing,
through out the whole canvas,
overflowing but still beautiful,
painted it black,
with modesty,
resembles as the trauma speaks,
louder than my mouth,
out of place but still intact.

your soul is like the day clouds
white and pure,
your smile resembles yellow,
so happy and warm,
your hazel eyes stunned me,
and that red lips of yours is irresistible,
but why the colours changing?
it seems hazy and darker than before,
you turned into grey,
and;
left me in pitch black.

graze my pain,
like the ice making you bleed,
and if love was truly sacred,
why’d i always found peace,
in your arms.

“hey i heard about you..th-“
“yeah i also heard that you won’t shut the **** up”

we break like ice,
melts away by greed and anger,
vaporize leaving no trace,
and the only thing that could reach us again,
is rain.

now, i’m one with the wind
because im no longer a person.

i was feeling empty,
not like an empty can,
but something,
more emptier than a can,
like a void,
or an endless tunnel,
where there’s no hope of returning back,
or more like a black hole,
where there’s no end,
and no guarantee of surviving,
i am empty.

honey;
playing in the playground,
falls from the swing,
should she know better,
the swing she rides,
is her last swing,
and her last wing.

your smiles are as sweet as ever,
your laughs are as as beautiful as ever,
but;
I can only smile and laugh,
alongside with you,
from faraway,
what a shame.

oh, my dear child,
do not cry,
do not whimper,
do not even flinch
fret not the fire isn't coming,
fret not,
the earth is still revolving,
fret not,
your father will die one day.

we’re bound to fall,
not to fall apart,
because if we fall apart,
it wouldn’t really hurt like this,
we are to bound to fall,
fall out of this relation,
that hurt us the most, even though
we knew that it was going to fall out someday,
still,
we are so eager to go against fate,
knowing it would still hurt,
aren’t we stubborn creatures?
now, we keep on plastering our unhealed wounds,
even though each day, new unhealed wounds were made.

I was his heaven,
But;
He was my hell,
I tried to escape,
But i wish for everything just to be with him,
I'm confused but also I'm in love,
But;
You are my hell,
I'm too tired to go through heaven,
Because I know I'll end up in hell.

try and try and try!
to help them,
until you yourself fall down,
into the pit of hell.

and if tears is not enough to hide your pain,
maybe the stars that's hiding between your sleeves,
will do.

my very existence excites you the most,
could not be shaken until the time finally arrives,
my very existence kills you the most,
could not be forgiven until the time finally ends,
i am indeed,
hope.

in another life,
i hope to reincarnate,
as my mother’s mother,
so every day i can tell her,
how pretty she is,
how hardworking she is,
pat her back,
wipe her tears when she is sad,
tell her “it’s alright”,
listen to her stories,
and sing her bedtime lullabies,
because i know it is her first time becoming a mother.

I love you so much,
to the point it hurts,
but;
we are the same.